Relationship Issues. Urgent help needed.

[Kevin-84]

(Sorry for the long post. I'd appreciate if you could take a minute to read it anyway.)(

 

First of all, I love my girlfriend, so breaking up is not an option. She's an amazing & beautiful person, and I'd never want to lose her. I'm 21 and she's 17, we both live in different countries. We've been together for 1 year & 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend.

 

But as every other relationship, we have our issues. One of them is that my girlfriend doesn't seem to trust me to 100%. She thinks I look at girls when I'm out and sometimes she doubts I tell her the truth.

 

I can't be outside of my house without her being worried, I can't watch TV without her being worried, I can't be up after she goes to sleep without her being worried... And just because she thinks I check out other girls, am attracted to them or find them attractive/sexy and whatnot.

 

I love her more than my own life, she's my everything and I'd never look at other girls. I'm happy with her, and other girls got nothing I want, so there is no reason for me to even look at them.

I've never been the guy that checks out all girls... In fact I've kinda rarely looked at girls before I met her.

 

I'm not talking to any girls, I don't have (and never had) female friends, I'm not watching any kind of porn (and I rarely did that in the past, even before I met her).. she got nothing to be jealous of. I send her SMS'es all the time when I'm not with her, I call her just to tell her she got nothing to worry about, I try to show my love for her in every way.

 

How can I make her stop worrying? I don't want to lose her just because she has a problem with fully trusting me. I've never given her ANY reason to doubt me, but yet she thinks I look at other girls. It's getting me frustrated.

 

I'd love to know how to help her, so I'd appreciate any kind of ideas/advices/help/experiences!

 

Kevin

[Batya33]

You cannot help her. She has to help herself. My sister went through this in her marriage - nothing whatsoever to be concerned about and she knew her fears were irrational (and this is 10 years ago, and I still know and she does that there was nothing to be worried about - he was completely faithful - no questions) - she had to come to a point where she had to work on it herself - and she did, and she was able to.

 

Also realize that long distance relationships are largely fantasy unless you see each other several times a month at least - how much time have you actually spent with her?

[Momene]

Her fears aere natural and at 17 she probably has little experience of relationships. I felt exactly the same insecurities as she did and long distance doesn't help either. Someone near and accessible is always tempting.

[Day_Walker]

I cannot say that immaturity is the sole cause of this issue you are having. She is one of those girls that is insecure, if you cannot live with it then it is going to cause more problems. My suggestion would be to break up but you arent going to listen to that.

[rosie76]

Jealousy is rubbish and it's very hard to build a strong relationship with it in the way, particularly a long distance one. Had just this problem with an ex who was jealous to begin with and got even worse when he moved away. I tried explaining to him how I understood the insecurity but infidelity didn't just happen it was chosen and that I'd NEVER choose to hurt him. I explained how much I cared and that it made me feel penned in and unfairly accused when he was always jealous. He couldn't change, though, and after a year of this the relationship was so far gone because of it that I had to split up with him.

 

In your situation I'd tell her exactly what you told us, if you haven't already. Explain how you feel and that it's a real concern for you and then show her this thread. Ask why she feels you're going to hurt her, and what you could do to reassure her that you won't.

 

Good luck.

[Kevin-84]

First of all, thanks for the responses. I hope more are coming.

 

She's been in one relationship before, and she is more mature than most others in her age. She does have some problems with insecurities, self-confidence etc.

I'd like to know what I can do to make her believe me, or at least how I can help her with her problems.

 

Batya33 - Any ideas in what way she can help herself? To your question about how much time we spend together - well, it depends on when her and me have holidays. Sometimes we don't meet for 2 months, sometimes it's just 3-4 weeks between our meetings. Every meeting lasts about 2-3 weeks.

 

Day_Walker - Well, it is not like I don't accept her or like I can't deal with her jealousy. I know how to handle such people and I know how to handle problems and difficulties.

 

For the breaking-up thing - You're right, I won't listen to that. I'm not one of those who give up easily and throw away a special relationship without trying to solve the problem. There are problems, issues, conflicts & difficulties in every relationship, you can't just break it all off as soon as one of these is coming up - maybe you're like that, but I'm not. I'm willing to work on this with her and make our in all other aspects totally wonderful relationship work.

[heloladies21]

This is such a common problem and the only way to handle it is firm and with force.

 

Think about it, when she basically accuses you of desiring other women she basically tells you flat out "I don't trust you." And how have you been responding? With empathy or reassurance? This is the wrong way to respond when someone challanges your integrity. My gf has done this to me and I very flatly ask her "Do you trust me?" She always answers "yes" and at that point there is no more to discuss. If she were to answer no, I would dump her because what would be the point of staying together with someone who doesn't trust me?

 

I know you might not have the strength to see things from this point of view, but just so you know what's going on here so you can learn from it for future. One thing is for sure, if you handle it the way you have been and let it slide and not get defensive to such action, she's gonna conclude that you have no confidence and this will eventually drive her to dump you.

[Momene]

I'm not being critical here to annoy you but please listen to someone who has been round the block a few times. However "special" this relationship appears to you and her, the basic lack of trust tells me that it isn't special at all. As she's your first girlfriend, you've no idea whether she's special or not. I thought that my ex wife was special and when we split, I'd never live without her until I met someone better. Partners can be replaced if they have to and I don't believe that there is one and only one out there for us.

 

You've already been together a long time and you've still got trust issues. This is a red flag.

 

At your age and stage of life, long distance is no good for you (or her). You need someone you can take to the movies, have walks in the park and kiss, not exchange sweet nothings over the internet. You need to deal with a normal relationship before you can deal with long distance issues.

 

Quite honestly, I couldn't deal with a long distance relationship at my age (51). I find it hard to be a long distance husband and father when I travel on business.

 

I don't want to discourage you, as I know your intentions are honourable but I don't think this is doing either of you a lot og good.

 

Take care.

[Kevin-84]

"You need someone you can take to the movies, have walks in the park and kiss, not exchange sweet nothings over the internet. You need to deal with a normal relationship before you can deal with long distance issues."

 

Sorry, I can't help being extremely offended by this. You have no idea what our relationship is like, saying "exchange sweet nothings over the internet" is a very disparaging remark about my relationship with her. I actually do take her to movies, we have walks every day when I'm with her, and guess what - are you ready? - WE KISS, TOO!

I really can't see why you are claiming my relationship isn't normal - If longdistance relationships aren't considered normal in your eyes - well okay.

 

As I've already said before - I won't throw this relationship away just because of one little issue. Anything worth having is worth doing the work.

 

I also suggest you to accurately read my post - I said she doesn't fully trust me - yet. She knows I'd never cheat on her. She'd never even have the thought I'd be cheating and she never accuses me of that. However she believes that I'd be looking at girls when I'm outside - Which I don't. This is the only thing she doesn't trust me with. All I'm asking for is advice on how I can make her not worry - Not for wrong judgements about the relationship I have.

 

Thanks for your post though, same goes to the other posters...

 

Kevin

[heloladies21]

Long distance relationships are fine. The fact that it's long distance doesn't impact the situation.

 

But hold on my man, not being judgemental or anything like that. I'm not trying to prove that I'm right or anything like that either, I just wanna help you out. But I can't just give you an answer that doesn't exist. I wish there was a not so harsh way of doing this, but everytime I've tried it, someone I know has tried it, and I see someone tries it on here, it always ends up the same-in getting cheated on and/or a break up.

 

Any chincks in the armor of trust are terrible things. It's like a virus that spreads until it infects the whole person until they feel that the only way is to get out altogether. I don't know everything about girls, but this is something I know about. From here the choice is yours on what to do.

[confused_84]

i am happy to see that there are people outside like you who really work on their relationships instead of just move on. I wish, i could find someone like you.

 

In relationships, trust is a major issue! It takes time to trust someone. It is not like "trust me" so ur patner has to do that. Actions speaks louder than words.

 

I know ur gf is having difficult time trusting you, which is natural. Your responsibility is to show by your actions that you are never going to cheat her, whereas looking at girls is very natural and it does not include cheating.

 

If you really love her, you have to respect her by not looking at girls in her presense or you have to refrain from all thoughts which made her feel bad.

 

Try to be as close as you can with her, try to tell everything to her u did in the whole day, make her feel that you share everything with her.

 

I wish, in my relationship, my ex had done all that. We were in long distance relation, I'd love if he shared each and everything with me! and showed me that i m more important to him that his friends. Told all of his friends about our being engaged esp. girls. Not hiding that someone of his girls buddy visited him at his place and not telling that he is with a girl buddy. Always telliing me that he has more guys friends. Always wanted me to share everything but leaving me the feeling that he didnt want to share everything with me! Always stopped me from askin much questions whereas i really wanted to know what he had been upto! I really didnt want someone he is too independent and doesnt want to share anything with me!

[Momene]

I'm sorry if you feel offended by what I've said. I have absolutely no doubt that your intentions towards your girlfriend are very good. I honestly believe that long distance issues do make relationships more difficult and that it is very hard to deal with long distance issues in your first relationship. Yes, there is some cultural bias here in that I live in England where "long distance" means you only see each other at weekends, so yes I've never been keen to get involved in long distance issues.

 

If your girlfriend has got trust issues when you've been dating more than a year, I do see it as a red flag.

 

I REALLY wish I could re-assure you that everything is alright and you'll eventually marry and live happily ever after but I would be dishonest if I did and you posted on here asking for opinions. I'm sorry that you felt offended by mine but I try to give an honest perspective as I can and sometimes it means telling people things they don't want to hear. For your sake, I would be very happy if you could prove me wrong.

 

Good luck.

[Caer]

Just a comment - something that others have implied but I'd like to make explicit...

You know, looking at other girls isn't that bad IMO. I know you say you don't, and I believe you, and yes she should trust you, but even if you did check out other girls... so what?

That suggests to me that it's not your word she distrusts, it's your feelings. In other words, it doesn't actually matter whether or not you check out other girls, that's incidental. She believes they're a threat to your relationship. That seems like a deeper problem than looking - or not - at girls, and that's what I'd try working on.

Maybe I've got it wrong. It's just that I see so much concern about looking at girls - which you say is the only thing she doesn't trust you on - when that seems like such a trivial thing to me.