We are very very close to breaking up, right before one year mark

[Cassie]

Hi guys,

 

I care about my guy very much. We've been together almost a year now (anniversary would be right around V day, actually). However, it's been a constant struggle for this guy to show emotion or put more than minimum effort into things.

 

I know the answer of what I need to do. I guess at this point I'm looking for emotional support as I go through this painful process. I believe the last straw for me was a horrible situation I've gone through this week. He's called every day to check in and 'catch up' on how things are, but makes no effort to physically be there with me during this trying time.

 

It sucks being in a relationship where i have to keep putting my heart on the shelf. I know this is silly to ask, but there is better out there, right?

 

This should not be how a relationship should feel?

[kcil]

Well, how long do you talk for on the phone? What do you talk about?

 

It's possible he just cant get to see you alot this week, and he's trying to make up for it by calling you alot.

 

Do you get the impression that he doesnt care by talking to him? Tone of voice can be a huge giveaway

[Cassie]

We'll talk for maybe about 10 or 15 minutes. He's very quiet on the phone and doesn't say much. So if I won't carry the bulk of the conversation, there ends up being a lot of dead air.

 

He will call faithfully. But it's kind of the same when we see each other. He's generally very silent and sometimes seems really zoned out. We don't see each other a lot in general, so it's sometimes disquieting and disturbing. Out of a week, we'll maybe spend two evenings together, if that.

 

He's a musician and sometimes I get the feeling he'd rather be in his studio than out with me.

 

He's 31 and will get extremely defensive if I try to bring up the future or where the relationship is heading.

 

I'm beginning to realize I'm sitting at a big dead end. None of these feel like particularly good signs.

[kadvati79]

I'm going to say what I think is happening here, but appreciate that I'm basing most of this on assumptions and I may have it wrong.

 

I think this is a classic case of the girl who sees a guy, sees how wonderful he could be, and falls for that idea. But the guy doesn't change... she figures, "we'll he's 30 - surely he must be wanting to grow up, be a man, and show some emotion". Well... no sorry. I suspect he has been this way all the time. Its quite possible he is very introverted and personal and not used to sharing his feelings.

 

With anyone I date, spending more than two or three evenings a week is a bit much for me. I like my space to do my own thing. When I'm working on a stressful contract it can be WEEKS before I even TEXT my other half. My mind is just elsewhere.

 

At the end of the day, it sounds like you're not getting what you want. But I think you need to decide... did I ever get what I want? Or did I just think he would change? One of the biggest mistakes we can make in relationships is expect our partners to change into who we think they ought to be.

[Cassie]

Hi Icemotoboy, thank you. I appreciate hearing your perspective.

 

These issues have plagued us from the start. I've told my guy how I've felt numerous times because I don't feel I'm necessarily receiving the emotional support I need with this relationship. But each time, it causes him to pursue me viciously. Then my heart gets all tangled up in him again. Eventually things settle back to ... this. It's a cycle.

 

I understand people need space. I'm actually quite a loner as well. But if I don't feel emotionally connected with the person I love, the space further deteriorates the relationship. There is no strong foundation there to withstand the pressure.

 

I don't know what to do, sigh.

 

He's a very rare breed. But while I value and love his differences, some of them are wearing on my self-esteem. This is never good, especially in a relationship with a supposed 'best friend' and a 'lover'.

 

All of these are indicators to me that it might be time to pack my emotional bags and not look back.

[TheRedQueen]

I know this is silly to ask, but there is better out there, right?[/left]

 

This should not be how a relationship should feel?

Well sweetheart, I think you answered your own questions.

 

Be strong, and swiftly exit stage left. You don't need his drama (or lack there of).

[friscodj]

Holy this situation sounds like several relationships I've had. The cycle, the distance, the one-year mark...

 

From the analysis of my own situations like this, it sounds like you guys quite simply aren't a good fit for each romantically. This isn't to say either of you are "wrong", but together you are I think. Closely related to this, it is quite possible he is not at a stage in his life where a relationship on the level you desire is a high priority to him, where his work and freedom are more important, as evidenced by his behavior. He might not even realize this now, as has happened to me before, but that is the underlying truth here I am pretty sure.

 

When I look back to my own situations like this, I've realized my lack of effort was the manifestation of the deeper truth that something didn't feel "right" to me with the relationship, something I wasn't sure about, something I overlooked on the basis I didn't want to break up, face the grief, and view myself as a failure for doing so. We had different levels and types of need in the relationship and different priorities. We were best friends and shared great times together but inevitably the relationship had reached its expiration date.

 

The vicious cycle you described is familiar and just no good, which will make getting out of this more difficult. Expect a desperate chase from him I'd say. You've talked about these feelings right? I think it is time to act sooner than later and expect the same exact chasing pattern to repeat. Expect it and realize it is unhealthy and should be avoided.

[TheRedQueen]

I don't know what to do, sigh.

Yeah you do, please look below...

 

But while I value and love his differences, some of them are wearing on my self-esteem. This is never good, especially in a relationship with a supposed 'best friend' and a 'lover'.

 

All of these are indicators to me that it might be time to pack my emotional bags and not look back.

B-I-N-G-O!!!

[Enitsirk]

Being with somebody who is emotionally shut down is like pulling teeth. Since they can't deal with their own emotions, they will never be able to deal with yours. You deserve better. You know what you need to do, but will you do it? I know it's painful.