i need him back....what do i do?

[cthomas]

alright so i've never felt this way about a guy before let me start off by saying that. i have been with adam for almost six months and he just broke it off two days ago. You see, three months back i was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and he has been nothing but there for me. he did evertyhing he could to make me more comfortable and showed he was going to be around through the entire thing.

 

my parents are another story. they hated adam and couldnt stand that we got so close so fast and that i went to him for comfort through it all rather then them. they began to literally disown me because adam lived at my apartment with me and we slept together and they think this is all morally wrong. i began living with him and this really set them off. they began to make me choose between them or adam and when i chose the one whos been there for me,adam, they stopped taking me to my appointments and not even calling to see if i was okay.

 

so i told them i didnt need them in my life and to leave me and adam alone because if they werent going to except it then they would not be in my life.

 

my mother called adams mom and then told her that iwas never sick. adam and his mother believed her and each thing i did to prove it meant nothing.

 

adam left me because of this and doesnt want to hear from me in any way shape or form and i now have no one. i love adam more then anything and refuse to let him go. we were engaged over christmas and now its all over. do i let him go or keep trying? give him space or keep calling him constantly? give me more proof or give up?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. why do your parents hate adam so much?

 

can you take adam to your doctor at the hospital, and have the doctor tell him that you have cancer?

[cthomas]

they hate him because he hurt me once. i gave him another chance and they didnt. i tried to tell him that i called my doctor and told him the whole situation and he said he would call adam and his mom. but adam said that wouldnt help that he wouldnt pick up the phone.

[Northalius]

they hate him because he hurt me once. i gave him another chance and they didnt. i tried to tell him that i called my doctor and told him the whole situation and he said he would call adam and his mom. but adam said that wouldnt help that he wouldnt pick up the phone.

 

The text I put in bold? That's your answer right there! Adam isn't worth pursuing, since he doesn't care about seeing whether the lie was true or not; he's being an immature child in doing so, and not worth trying to get back. Move on with your life.

 

Try to look on the bright side: You learned this before marriage, not after. Trust me, it'd be a lot worse if you found this out 5 years later, with 2-3 children and a house.

 

By the way, never rush into marriage, it's one of the biggest mistakes people make these days. Take it slowly, get to know the person through and through. Speak with a counselor about your problems, it helps a lot.

[cthomas]

hes my soul mate i have never had someone understand me the way he does he says that he has reason to not believe me because i have lied to him in the past but never about anything like this....i dont want to let him go i cant

[cthomas]

i love adam more then u might understand he is my soul mate, he is hurt and acting this way and i feel like maybe he has a right to feel this way because i havnt always been honest in the past but that cant compare to this. i would never do something that sick....i dont know how to leave him i dont want to...please understand i want him back, how?

[blender]

Well for right now you just need to breathe, and remember that you are powerless over Adam and the choices he makes, and the only thing for you to do right now is to take care of you... is there a therapist you can talk to?

 

Go on line and find some support group in your area? You need someone to help you through this rough time.. do you have a friend whom you can confide in?

 

Please know that you will get through this, and Adam does NOT hold the key to your happiness, validation or your future, ONLY YOU hold that key.. so for today, just for today, let him be, let him have time to be angry, hurt, and you're going to have to just "respect his feelings' whether they are "nice" or not... it's how HE feels, and no woman can "change" how he feels.. not you, not anyone..

 

The only thing you can do is to take care of you, get busy with your healing of your physical diagnosis, and find a friend to help you through all this.. confide in your doctor too. Talk to the nurse at the office, reach out to others BUT NOT ADAM.. he's not ready or willing right now, so do NOT contact him. You are going to be okay, even better, you just have a tough emotional bridge to cross here.. and perhaps FATE is protecting you from a marriage that would have NOT worked out in the long run..

 

I know you are hurting, and your heart is broken, but breathe, say a prayer, write out all your feelings on this site, but please try not to contact Adam, it won't do any good for right now.. one day at a time, take care of YOURSELF.

[cthomas]

i completely agreewith u on most all of ur topics u brought up the last thing i need to do is call him, and 2morrow will be the first day without me calling him, and it will hurt and it will pain me to see my phone not ringing with his call, but i kno we will be together someday not right now but someday when hes calm and when i get myself together, but i have a little tiny bit of me saying let him go but i cant, hes my world my rock, everything im not and hes gone...

[Northalius]

hes my world my rock, everything im not and hes gone

 

Then it's time for you to become that which he made up for, and which you lacked.

 

I understand wanting to share your life with someone, but you need to be secure within yourself first, to do this the right way.

 

As I told someone else a while ago in another thread:

 

It's like you've built a house on foreign land, and that landowner can tear that house down any time they want to, and you're left in the gutter with no where to live.

 

This is why you've got to first build a house in your land first (within yourself), to be secure on your own. When you're ready, and someone comes along, you can rent an apartment on their land (ie date); and maybe if things work out in the long run, you can build a house on land elsewhere together (ie get married); but, say they can't take it anymore, and tear your house down you've built together (ie divorce), you'll still have the house you built on your land to fall back on. This is finding yourself!

[Northalius]

Sorry, double post mistake.

[cthomas]

u r right..i kno this but it's too hard.. i just talked to him and he repeated to me that we would never be together again because i hurt him so much he says that he loves me and always wll, that his heart is telling him to come back but his mind knos he cant. WHY CANT HE JUST LISTEN TO HIS HEART...THIS IS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS! he says that he wants me to learn from this and become a better person and he does care that im alright then why doesnt he want to be with me. he said that we cant just take a break becuase if another girl comes along then it wouldnt be fair to me. he said that i need to move on but i cant i suggested councling and he said no...hmmm

[Enitsirk]

hi...

So sorry. Let me pass on something I learned from the books. I hope it doesn't sound too mean. We don't really NEED them, we just DESIRE them. You can do this on your own if you have too, but you do have the DESIRE for them to be there, it's not a need. It takes some time to overcome the mindset of NEED, but you can do it. Hang in there

[cthomas]

i understand but what i dont get is why the heart is what u listen to...isnt that what matters? why does he say he cares but he doesnt want to be with me?

[blender]

Of course he "cares about you" but with "maturity" comes the responsiblity to ones own heart FIRST, and to make sure you share your precious heart with someone whom you not only 'care for and love" but who also shares the same values in life, so you can build on those share values a solid future or honesty, communication, loyalty, and respect.

 

Love does NOT solve all the underlying differences between two people, authentic love requires effort, commitment, honesty, two individuals who are already happy, and emotionally healthy on thier OWN FIRST, before choosing to "share' their happiness with each other..

 

and NOT to ATTAIN it from one another..

 

so until you can be happy on your own, feel secure within your own healthy emotions, and choices..well then you are not ready to build a strong long lasting relationship with anyone.. it's starts with YOU, getting to love yourself, respect yourself, be happy within yourself FIRST. And perhaps that is what HE is taking the time to do as well..

 

For right now, there is no healthy solid honest foundation to build on here... so for today, get back to taking care of you, finding out 'why' you feel you can not "choose to be happy" inside yourself.. he can NOT provide your happiness, or your validation.. that can ONLY come from you..for you..first.

 

And you can do this, one day at a time, letting go, taking care of yourself, and in time if he "discovers" that he wants to try again with you, then at that point you have spent this time getting yourself together, healing your heart, finding your inner peace and happiness.. and certainly take the time to heal yourself physically too.. you are vulnerable right now, give yourself a break, cry to a friend, vent here, but let go of him for today.. you'll be okay on your own for a bit.. you will... breathe, let go, and take care of you.