Do You Regret Cheating?

[macgyver4ever]

My ex had a pattern of cheating, but denied it after she cheated on me the first time. She cheated on every real boyfriend she ever had, me being the third. She would always deny it was cheating by some loophole, like "well he wouldn't call me his boyfriend so it wasn't cheating," or "we were only dating and messing around, so it wasn't cheating," and with me it was "well I didn't think you were ever going to propose, and you were sick and not paying attention to me." The final time she cheated on me her excuse was, "you hung up on me so I just assumed that I had messed up for the last time and it was over."

 

If someone really wants to cheat, they can find a reason to cheat. My ex was raised a good Catholic girl, and is from a good family, but for some reason feels inclined to live life by her own set of rules at times.

 

 

Cheating is selfish.

[EvaGina]

I cheated on a few "boyfriends" when I was younger...

 

when I got older tho, I cheated on one abusive guy with my abusive ex... in the midst of my problems I just didnt care, they didnt care either.

 

and I "cheated" on my ex, the night before we broke up, he wasnt fussed, we were in an "open" relationship and it was just the final straw we needed to realise that we were at the end of the road.

 

I dont really feel guilty about cheating, to be honest.

[pacopaco]

[quote=macgyver4ever;1468415

 

 

Cheating is selfish.it all boils down to this. "once a cheater always a cheater?" I don't believe it. I was cheated on. I just think people that do this are in a whole different mind frame than those that don't. Insecure, selfishness, maybe even self hate, where they don't believe they deserve something good. it's sad. more for them than for those of us that were hurt because all we have to do is get over the pain. Like a bruise or cut, once the pain is gone, and the scab clears, we're free and clear. people who cheat, I don't believe are evil, but there sure is a deficiency in their character.

[Cyprian]

I second that post. The only question is this, Paco: Why don't they deserve our help? Sure, they did this to us. They caused us pain...and they don't even want our help. But the way I see it, they are in need of help more than we are...

[mrmaximum]

Cheating is selfish.

 

Damn Skippy, Amen to that!!

[yeawutever]

Right and maybe I should add something to it: Cheating is also childdish.

[EvaGina]

it all boils down to this. "once a cheater always a cheater?" I don't believe it. I was cheated on. I just think people that do this are in a whole different mind frame than those that don't. Insecure, selfishness, maybe even self hate, where they don't believe they deserve something good. it's sad. more for them than for those of us that were hurt because all we have to do is get over the pain. Like a bruise or cut, once the pain is gone, and the scab clears, we're free and clear. people who cheat, I don't believe are evil, but there sure is a deficiency in their character.

 

I dont think you can say that

People cheat for different reasons, no one ever cheats if they are HAPPY in their relationship.

Sure, there are healthy, constructive ways to deal with it, but sometimes people are trapped.

 

The most common one I see is women cheating on their neglectfull partners. They love them, but they are unappreciated.

[Duchess1]

you MUST rent the movie LAST KISS .... in video stores now.

It's your story ... and It is amazzzzzzzzing.

[Cyprian]

whose story?

[cantexplain]

Im still with the guy i cheated on my ex-boyfriend with... and we're still very happy. I know dr phils line "past behavior is a sure sign of future behavior" ... but i dont always believe it. I do believe that if someone cheats on YOU it is OVER. Ive never gotten back with a guy i've cheated on... Its a sure sign that its over.

 

(I've done a little research in this regard and here's my opinions.)

 

Its hard data to gather because of having to deal with deception even in gathering the data ... but the basic conclusions of a number social-psych studies to date, so far, appear to be that if someone cheats once, they are likely to do it again. So Dr. Phil is right.

 

But likely does not mean certain!!

 

More to your point, and according my reading of primary academic articles and books referring to such research, if they have done affairs more than once (to same committed partner or to more than one committed partner) they definitely are exhibiting serious character deficits which render them highly unlikely of being able to fix the pattern of behavior without significant work - uncovering the deep affects on character which makes such deception, betrayal, humiliation, and abuse possible.

 

The reading I've done is that their recidivism is very high - like that of child abusers.

 

So "more than once" is a very bad sign for those of us who seek to avoid being cheated on.

 

Trick is these people aren't likely to confess these things in an early stage of courtship - thereforeeee we all must look for other clues, I say!!

 

So Fallen Angel looks like you and your partner may be good to go - judging by your success so far!! My thinking is those of us who have cheated only once learn that we are really cheating ourselves and this pain to ourselves is enough to prevent it from happening again. The others get stuck in some other pattern of moralizing (or lack thereof), or acting-out, which furthers, if not deepens, the pattern.

 

Those of us who aren't cheating types and have been cheated on probably become very unlikely of ever cheating, I'm guessing. We truly understand the damage caused by such foppery. We already had sufficient self-respect but now have real-life insight to insure we never engage in such behavior, ever.

 

And following 2600degrees threads I sense he has had only one affair, as well.

[pacopaco]

It's never that easy, no. people do what people do. I was also devoted and caring, and all that, but was still cheated on. The problem was not me. It hasn't been. After the cheating occurred, boy was I surprised at how stunted this woman was emotionally, and not at all mature. I just think that nothing is worth cheating or being cheated on, or cheating. There is always a choice to make, and always a way out. I don't see the justification. Even if the other partner is abusive, when a person cheats, in my opinion, they're hurting themselves, too. Selling themselves to the lowest bidder. If you feel your partner neglects you, and is not giving you attention, or the right kind of attention just get out, or talk about it. They're probably feeling neglected too. It is all a two way street. When one person cheats, they have neglected the two ways for a one way (their way) boulevard.

[mrmaximum]

I dont think you can say that

People cheat for different reasons, no one ever cheats if they are HAPPY in their relationship.

 

I once read a story in an advice column about a woman who cheated on her hubby and her reason was 'just for excitement'. She even said she was happy in the relatioship and felt bad for her hubby after about a year. I've also read about people who just like the thrill of it or even the 'younger men/women'. I understand that all relatioships will have an ebb or flow to them, but to expect constant excitement, or constand happiness is just being unrealistic. Sometimes people can be selfish and whatnot. People cheat for different reasons but the lack of happiness isn't the only one!!

[forbluelove]

I stopped by this forum today intending to lurk and then decided to sign up and speak up because your post really hit home with me, 2600 degrees.

I have found myself in a situation similar to what you experienced. I am in a bad marriage and am cheating.

 

To keep on-topic, do I regret it? Yes. I have not been found out and do not plan on telling (don't dare to) but am still sick with guilt and self-hatred. The problem creates a vicious circle though - the more I think about the other man, the more I don't like myself, the more I don't believe I deserve a good relationship, the more I allow my marriage to go bad and see the other man. This has gone on for a few months now. He is a coworker and I am not sleeping with him and have only kissed him on one or two occasions, but it is cheating. I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I don't know the future of it. I don't see how it can last much longer.

 

 

To explain - and perhaps receive some advice - my husband is not a bad man but there have been a few issues of minor violence that have made me slightly afraid of him. There have also been issues of dishonesty about financial affairs that have dissolved some of the trust I once had for him. And to top it off, there is major sexual dysfunction. Our bi-monthly sex lasts for about two minutes tops. He is 'done' before I can even get started. I used to beg him to see a doctor and/or talk to me more about it to see what could be done to fix it but he is extremely private/embarrassed so the whole issue has been swept under the rug. I want so badly to make love to a man again but I can not leave the marriage because I can't bear hurting my daughter.

 

You're probably laughing at that - "Hurting your daughter? What do you think you're doing now?" And I know that. Yes, I know I'm a horrible person.

 

I do not believe once a cheater always a cheater though. I do not think every situation or every person is that black and white. I do think there is ALWAYS regret. I can't see how there isn't.

 

What a way to introduce myself, huh? My apologies if this wasn't the proper place or if I'm not showing the proper courtesies of this particular board. I've lurked here for a few days but am not completely familiar with this forum yet. I've seen enough to realize that most of you are thoughtful and intelligent people though so that's why I feel able to post and vent. Thank you. So far, you are the only people I've spoken about this to and to my surprise, it has helped already.

[mrmaximum]

forbluelove;

 

Well normally I don't hold cheaters in very high regard, the selfishness they display and the damage they cause is legendary, however, there is something much more at stake here. Minor violence, financial dishonesty? These things aren't kosher in the slightest. Why are you staying with this man? No man has the right to hit his spouse, not in the slightest!! You said that you stay because you are don't want to hurt your daughter, by staying you are doing far more damage. You are showing her that the disrespect that you receive is acceptable. Quick question, do you want your daughter to be in the same circumstances as you? I highly doubt it. I have no children yet so I can't tell you what to do, but my fiancee has always told me that children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. Cheating is bad, make no mistake, but staying in a bad marriage is worse.

[forbluelove]

I do not disagree. I am selfish, no doubt. And lately, am pretty much despicable.

 

I should've stated - I was never hit. He put a chair through the window in an argument and once threw an axe at me. No physical contact with my person. It was just enough to make me kinda afraid of him though.

 

And no, I don't want my daughter in any circumstance anywhere close to this. I love her more than anything in this world. I grew up without a father and have always thought that it was one of the reasons I've allowed myself to be treated poorly throughout my life so in my own twisted way, I feel I'm doing her a favor. I know it's stupid.

 

Thank you for your input. I appreciate your time very much.

[lostinwilderness]

Forbluelove,

 

Don't spend so much energy hating and dumping on yourself! The negative view points do not help anyone and likely actually fuel your needs that you are currently trying to meet outside your marriage. You have obviously made some choices that you are not happy with, and I can sympathize with that. The question is not how horrible are you for the choices you have made in the past, but how can the choices you make in the future make things better.

 

Everyone needs to find their own truths, but if the relationship is bad enough that you feel it justifies cheating, then it may be bad enough to end. I think that you owe it to yourself and your daughter to either work to fix your marriage or to get out so you can honestly and healthily meet your needs.

 

Certainly it is bad enough to justify drastic action. Maybe that is leaving outright. Maybe that is an ultimatum for counciling or maybe it is just telling him that you are so unsatisfied that you have considered going outside the marriage to meet your needs.

 

Whatever you do, make sure you and your daughter are safe. You know the situation and your husband better than anyone here, but when I hear "he threw an axe at me." It scares the **** out of me. I am very worried about you and I hope that whatever the direction you take that you find your own self value along the way.

[mrmaximum]

 

I feel I'm doing her a favor. I know it's stupid.

 

Time for logic and not emotion. In this case, something better than nothing does not apply!! Staying because a bad father is better than no father is bad for business, yeah? Counseling is a neccesity!! If that doesn't work, you need to leave, not just for you but for your daughter!! THREW AN AX AT YOU!! That is NOWHERE NEAR COOL!! I'd leave the premises and talk to him later!! He has some anger issues that is a fact and he hasn't hit you yet.....yet. Leave just for now and then work on you later. If he has an issue, your right being a man I can sympathize, however, when you are in a relationship it isn't just about you. He should fix the situation, bottom line, he can't ignore the problem and hope that it goes away, and you can't either. You have a young one that depends on you and you need to think about that!!

[forbluelove]

I want to thank each of you, 2600degrees, lostinwilderness and mrmaximum for your thoughtful replies and concern. Talking here has been a bit of a relief since I speak to no one about this situation - not even the man I have been 'seeing'. To no surprise, he's not exactly the sensitive type - which is what I usually attract.

 

Firstly, 2600 - no, we've gotten no counseling. I've spoken to my doctor about depression and other marital problems and since I don't want to try any drugs, she suggested I go talk to someone and then bring my husband in. I haven't made any calls yet though since I haven't had good luck with counselors in the past. The one I went to years ago wanted to rehash my childhood over and over again and while, yes, I believe the past does influence the present, I see no sense to pay money to continually go over things that happened a long time ago.

 

As for the abuse part - I really don't think I'm abused. There were two physical instances in almost 10 years of marriage and he doesn't call me names or anything like that. He does criticize me quite a bit, but I think he's trying to be helpful in his way - it's never in a nasty tone - just enough to make me feel very tired. Not threatened or hurt - just very, very tired.

 

And do I love him? I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I can't say I love him - not the way I should. I did. I'm just tired now. I suppose with help, that could change. My thanks to you, 2600, for your kindness. I am sorry for what you went through in your own marriage. It shouldn't happen to anyone.

 

lostinwilderness, I find a lot of strength and truth in your words - I'm not going to make anything better by hating myself. I like your suggestions. I think I'm going to get out of the affair and say 'this is it' - we either fix it or it ends. I have to at this point. I am not going to spend the rest of my life like this.

 

And mrmaximum, your words really got me thinking, too. It's nice that you can rise above your distate of cheaters to offer me advice without knocking me down. It shows a lot about your character.

 

I appreciate the three different though totally valid replies to my dilemma. Thank each of you so much. You've made me glad I found this forum.

[mrmaximum]

I'm just here to help, yes I don't like cheating and have been on the other end of it from two different standpoints (being the hurt bf AND from a child's point of view) yes I have never been in this position but I will tell you one thing. Escalating the situation with the OM will not make it better. I saw what happened to my mother and while she never treated my father the way your husband treats you, the damage is undeniable. That isn't the answer, trust me on that one, the pain can last a lifetime and the baggage that can result can fester for years. There are better ways of dealing with this problem, yeah? There is criticism and then there is belittling. It sounds like you are being belittled and that doesn't help anyone. Your daugher thinks it's normal, your hubby thinks its acceptable so his behavior escalates and you feel worse about yourself so you require an outlet. This cycle is destructive and cannot be allowed to go on, it must be stopped and unfortunately this lies on your shoulders. YOu came here, you are seeking help, you are remorseful for what you have done or almost done, in my book you are a good person and really have nothing to hang your head over. Please do what needs to be done for your sake and that of your daughter, this will have an ugly outcome if it isn't stopped.

 

Good Luck and God Bless!!

[forbluelove]

You both are dolls - if you don't mind me saying that. I hope that you always remember to make sure you are treated well by your mates.

 

Thank you.

[cantexplain]

Forbluelove I am glad you came here and shared your experiences.

 

Something is going on with the way your husband is talking to you, I feel, which is not right. You may not think it is abusive, but I bet it is.

 

I grew up in a verbally abusive household and it has taken me years to recognize these patterns in others. I was the youngest in a family of loners and takers so I am mostly a giver and will give much of myself as it is still being taken away.

 

I know that as I started to learn more about verbal abuse it is more about control than it is about bad behavior and unfriendly words. The bad verbal behavior is really the lesser of two evils. These controlling types want to keep us in their realm of control and use the words to keep us in that place. When the words don't work or we unmask and reveal their patterns they may break down into physical violence. So the primary evil is the need to possess and control. The words and chains we let them hold and tug on our sense of self is what allows this control to play out. We return later over and over to that which has hurt us to receive reassurance that we are okay. We are okay forbluelove. It is they who are not!!

 

Throwing anything is a very bad sign. link removed Now that you are beginning to become aware of these things you may start to act differently and he could respond negatively again. I want you to be very careful and you should not tell him about this little emotional affair you've had. I think you should uncomplicate your life by backing off from your coworker and work on your marriage. If it doesn't work out please plan to get out. In fact, you may want to start saving money NOW and making contigency plans now just in case.

 

I don't blame you for seeking friendship and affection elsewhere. But doing this within a marriage is just going to hurt you more.

 

link removed

 

If you are like me a few bells will go off and you will realize that you are being abused when you just didn't recognize it. And as you unmask this in the other, WATCH OUT!!

 

Sorry to be so forceful and graphic here, but I want you to see seriously that you are in possible danger as you work on this relationship. This husband of yours could break down again. Professional help is vital! Please!!

[cantexplain]

And no, I don't want my daughter in any circumstance anywhere close to this. I love her more than anything in this world. I grew up without a father and have always thought that it was one of the reasons I've allowed myself to be treated poorly throughout my life so in my own twisted way, I feel I'm doing her a favor.

 

Oh, there's a child in this picture, 'eh? Uh oh.

 

A man who is like an uncle to me and who was also an orphan himself told me that after knowing my dad that he felt he might have been lucky not having a father. And my dad never threw any axes at anyone!

 

Your thinking about yourself as being despicable can be healed - you've been beaten down over the years in your current relationship and now that you are no longer coming back to your husband for reassurance - breaking the pattern I describe above - you are blaming yourself.

 

Don't!! I know where you are coming from and please do not blame yourself for finally seeking help and affirmation outside of this house.

 

As far as the child is concerned if I were a social worker in your county or city, and was aware that axes were being thrown in a house with a child in it and at people I would whip that kid into the temporary custody of the state through an emergency hearing so fast neither of you would know what happened! And it would be a lot of work before the child would be returnable to the family. Probably at least a year of counseling and supervised visitations and surprise visits to the home. It is ugly and many sets of parents can't keep up with the court's requirements. It is very ugly. This would be my professional responsibility and I could not live with myself knowing a child is vulnerable in this way, especially later if something else happened.

 

You can't see the forest through the trees and this is very understandable. And I feel like what you are saying speaks for itself. All we are doing here is reflecting your experiences back on you.

 

Again, I am sorry to be so forceful but before working on this marriage and possibly unleasing the thing I described above, please get some professional counseling - counseling where the interests of your child are clearly your priority - ahead of the priority of getting along with your husband. If you can't afford the help, contact your city or county social services and see what kind of counseling services they have available.

 

I suggest you go on record of putting your child's interests first. If you break up you want to be perceived as one who has not left the child vulnerable to abuse.

 

And the good news forbluelove, as you take these steps on behalf of your child, you will be able to more easily reach down and protect the child in you. God Bless You.

[forbluelove]

Thank you for your advice, cantexplain. I hope you realize how much I appreciate it.

 

I have finally made an appointment to see a counselor. I'm not sure where that will lead me, but it is a first step. I have also ended the relationship with the OM and have decided not even to seek friendship with him. It is time for me to straighten out my life - not escape from it, which is what I've been doing.

 

As for my daughter, I am certain she is physically safe. My husband is far more concerned with her than he is with anything else - that is one thing I can say for him. I know he would never harm her or harm me if she were around. There are a few things he does that I don't like - to me, not her - that I feel may affect her, but she is in no physical danger. For example, he will sometimes say she likes him better than me or that he doesn't give a care about me, only her - in front of her. These are only occasional, but yeah - they're not right.

 

I don't know. I feel very trapped and quite stupid, to be honest. As you said, I can't see the forest for the trees right now. I'm just going for one step at a time.

 

But thank you again. Your kindness has not been wasted on me.

[lostinwilderness]

Forbluelove,

 

Any update? I have been away a little, but I am thinking about you. It sounds like you have taken many of the right first steps (counciling, ending relationship with OM), but I am sure it will be a tough road to walk. Feel free to lean on us as much as you need.

 

Cantexplain brings up some very valid sounding concerns. Hopfully your councilor will help you work through them safely.

 

For what it is worth, I do not think you are stupid at all. You are making some very hard choices to try and make things better for you and your family. That sounds very smart to me!

[Not just any guy]

Um wow reading this thread 90% of the accounts are women cheating on the men... does anyone know if women statistically do cheat on men more than visa versa? just curious I guess... I'd die if my girl cheated on me.