Just curious

[samross]

I'm still doing fine with my current situation but I have a question that kinda bugging me. Between the time period when I had to let go last year and when I told my ex I still loved her she was fine. Never a hint that she was upset with me. Everything seemed normal. It was only when I told her I still loved her that she became distant to the point of either doing things that I'm still convinced were attempts to make me jealous (payback?) or acting very cold towards me. She says she is in another relationship (she told me she didn't know where it was going) but she never talks to anyone in the band about him. It's almost like she wants me to believe it's more than what it really is.

 

At practice the other night she was friendly but she didn't want to hug me or have any direct conversation with me. I'm giving all the space she needs - - I'm just curious why it now seems so painful for her when she says she's moved on?

[LLammas]

Is there a chance that she just had a rebound? It could be that she's finally coming to terms with what she lost. Her new relationship may be over. She may have realized she's not over you once she started seeing you at practice again. Maybe she's even starting to long for a connection with you now that you're NCing her.

 

I'd say keep it up and let her come to you. If she interested, she'll make the first move.

[samross]

I don't know. Last week I sent a couple of emails and she won't respond. It's like she's either still angry with me or upset.

[LLammas]

That's rough...I'd just continue with NC (or LC) and let her figure it out. There's no use in guessing her feelings until she tells you what they are.

[littlemsred]

Never a hint that she was upset with me. Everything seemed normal.

I guess that's often a sad thing about the end of a relationship, people decide to have a relationship together and the person who decides to end a relationship makes their decision alone. Obviously, things weren't what they seemed as far as she was concerned.

 

I'm not sure how to interpret her behaviour because it could mean that she's regretting having ended your relationship, but it could equally mean that she still feels uncomfortable that you might still have feelings for her. I think non-contact is a good idea in either case.

[samross]

littlemsred:

 

We play in a band together so NC is hard to do. Why would she feel uncomfortable that I still have feelings? The starnge thing is we never fought about anything. We wrote some beautiful music together. She is saying that she loves me 'but isn't in love with me'.

[samross]

One other thing that doesn't make sense is she said when I ended things before she decided to let go completely and go on and not ever go back. If that's the case why still be upset with me?

[samross]

Is anyone listening?

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

I can only speculate and perhaps this is way off but maybe she got angry when you told her you loved her bc she does not believe you and thinks you may be trying to mess with her head?

What do you think?

[Ellie2006]

Also, just bc people SAY they're letting go, moving on, and not looking back, it does NOT mean that these things can be so easily accomplished, wouldn't you say?

 

Perhaps she said these things to convince herself as well as you.

[samross]

Thank you for responding. I don't think she has any doubt that I still love her. We've never had harsh words, or fights. I talked with her mom about a week ago and she took some shots at me (which I deserve for hurting her daughter) which hurt but her mom was defending her daughter. They live together. Her mom told me 'she could have been mrs. XXX but it wasn't what you wanted' and several other things like that so I could sense that there was some hurt and anger at me but it's like there is no way she will ever give me a second chance. People do make mistakes and I have apologized but it's not like I'm something terrible or horrible but it is sure making me feel that way. Thanks again for responding. I guess my situation is very common and it's not that interesting so I understand when I haven't gotten very many responses. Again thank you.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there again,

Hmm ... sorry if my earlier responses were not helpful. I apologize but I was not well acquainted w. your situation. But again with her anger over your "I love you" remark -- I can totally see how she WOULD get angry bc words that do not accompany action is rather meaningless, wouldn't you say? I think she might be exasperated that you tell her you love her but then nothing really comes of it (i.e. commitment).

 

Plus, since it's only been two months removed from your two year break-up, I am sure she is going through similar break-up pains as you are.

 

It must be hard to be in the same band with her under these circumstances.

But hang in there. I am sure I am stating the obvious here but time does heal all wounds and it will heal yours as well as hers.

 

Take care of yourself.

[samross]

Thank you. I am hanging in there. It is extremely hard being in the same band. I do love her and I'm ready to make the commitment. My heart breaks all over again inside when I see her but I won't let her know. My focus is to prove to her I'm the one she's been looking for even though I broke her heart. Today is one of those days when the tears just won't stop. Thank you again.