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I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 8 months with a girl, and things just went sour... suddenly.


We began dating when she took a trip out here (SLC) to visit her parents, she was supposed to be here for 5 days and ended up staying for a month (She lives in San Francisco). Everyday she would hang out with me while she was here, and we had a very romantic and passionate beginning. I decided that I would come visit her on my birthday a few weeks after she left. Everything was great with our relationship, we loved each other very much and began seeing each other more and more often.


In July we started talking about living in the same city, and I was convinced that she was coming back home to live in SLC. Suddenly she had a change of heart and didn't really give me much detail as to why she couldn't come here, but basically said she just couldn't. I later found out that if she came here her parents were going to make her live with them etc etc.


In August my brother died, which was very difficult for me to deal with as I had never dealt with the death of a relative before. She was always very supportive. On my next trip, I gave her herpes from a cold sore that I had and she ended up getting really sick. I went to see her and support her and we made it through it. Infact our relationship felt really strong and like nothing could break it.


Around this time I decided I was going to move to San Francisco, and we both decided it would be best to live together. Originally we decided on the following August, but as things got harder and harder for me and I entered a deeper depression I began asking if I could move the date up.


We agreed on February of 2007. She told her parents (They pay all of her rent and stuff) about our plans, and while they weren't thrilled about the idea she told me that everything was ok and that we could go ahead with everything. I just found out that her parents told her that she would be cut off and they would no longer pay for anything for her.


That leads up to the holidays, which seemed to be fine except that we didn't get to see each other on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years, and we also happened to go the longest between visits we had ever done (1 full month).


The day before New Year's eve I had a big fight with my boss at work, so I called her. I explained what was going on and that I had a really hard day and would like to talk. She said she was at a restaurant with a few friends and wanted to know whether I wanted her to go home and talk. I explained to her that it was ok, and that she could just get home in a reasonable amount of time, because I didn't want to keep her from hanging out with her friends (which sometimes I tended to get a little worried when she would go out).


She told me she would go home in 45 minutes to an hour and we'd talk. She didn't call me, so I called her back. She told me that she was hanging out with her friend Sarah and that she would call me after she left. It got to be 11 PM, so I called her again and she called me back a little drunk and basically too tired to talk to me.


This upset me a little bit so I began to really have doubts about our relationship. The next day I started asking a lot of questions about why she did that, and she basically said that I just need to be straight up and tell her if I want to talk.


She went out New Years, and I had to work but I let everything be. I called to check in with her and tell her happy New Year at midnight, but not much more. She called me back a few minutes later and told me that the party she was at was pretty lame and that she would probably be home soon. She didn't call me back til 5 AM. Once again I got a little upset, but I bit my tongue for the most part.


The final day of the relationship was strange also. She was going to call me after work, but didn't so I called her at 8:00 and she called back and just said that she was out at a restaurant and would once again call me back when she got home. I didn't want to get in the way so I didn't ask her a time or anything. She didn't go home, and I called her a bunch, texted, IMed, and e-mailed because something didn't feel right.


She turned her phone off that night and turned it back on in the morning, but didn't call me back. Finally after i contacted her friend basically hysterically worried she called me from work. I guess she had gotten really messed up the night before and didn't want to deal with me. She started telling me things like she felt like I was her keeper and her dad. She said that she didn't feel like she could do anything she wanted.


She didn't give me a straight up answer about whether we were broken up, just saying that she needed space and was tired of feeling so smothered.


Her and I were very very in love, to the point where we called each other family and said that we would always be there for each other. Sometimes I did get overbearing, but it was mainly dealing with my brother's death and all the other negative things that seemed to be going on in my life. I started using her as a crutch and I could understand how difficult it would be to deal with a person like that. Though she said she would never leave me, no matter what. We really were each other's everything. Best friend, lover, everything.


We did have a talk in which she told me that she felt like everything was at a plateau. She was starting to feel like we weren't best friends anymore etc. I just attributed most of everything to the stress we were both going through during the holidays (which actually put me in a worse depression), coupled with the fact that I was moving there in February.


I even asked her a couple days before the breakup if she was going to get cold feet and decide against it a couple weeks before I went. She always assured me that no she wouldn't do anything like that and would stay committed to this. (She is a very private person, and has never lived with a person before, while I have.)


All in all I feel like she was scared of everything and I symboled a lot of responsibility for her. I'm just trying to figure out why she went away like that and just basically decided to end the relationship. I haven't talked to her in a week, but I have sent an e-mail and a couple IMs which were basically just friendly e-mails saying that I would just like to hear from her and work on becoming friends again.


I guess I'm just hoping somebody can give me some insight into maybe what she's thinking, what's going on and why she might behaving this way. Is there another guy? Am I missing something? We both really believed (and not long ago either) that we would be together forever.


Does she just need space? We did talk on the phone several times a day ever since my brother died, and a lot of the conversation was becoming negative because I was constantly dealing with negative stuff.


I've missed a lot of information, but if anybody has any questions, I'll fill in more spots and things that I've missed. There is a ton of information here, and I would appreciate if there is anybody that could give me some advice.


I did send her a card from my last trip out there (December 7th), in which we were standing in Union Square and took a poloraid picture. She snuck the picture in my bag before I left her house and wrote ILYPJ on it, which stands for I Love You Panda Jones (pet names... don't ask). I sent it back to her today in a blank card and just wrote, "no matter what happens I will never let you disappear from my life."


Also, she is a very different girl, she will disappear from people for long stretches of time and still be ok with it and still keep her feelings. She will avoid friends for long stretches and has even done stuff like this to her mom. It's not an excuse, but I want people to judge her behavior based on the knowledge of how she's been in the past.


Should I give up and move on?

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Honestly, it sounds like the reason she went was because u were very overbearing. Now, she probably feeling choked by u telling her little detail in ure life (im not being insensitive i understand what ure going through im putting it in her point of view). If u keep contacting her even if it is friendly then she is still going to feel choked by u. My suggestion is try NC for a while and once the dust settles try again.

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Well reading all of what you have written, I think there is someone else in the picture or she is not being honest with you. She's not keeping her word at all when it comes to going home or calling you. I don't think you are overbearing.


You should really talk to her and ask her what is going on. It doesn't seem like she is telling you either and her turning off her phone, not doing what she says is questionable.


That's just my opinion. Best thing to do would be to talk to her and ask her to be honest with you. It's the only way your problems will get solved.

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"no matter what happens I will never let you disappear from my life." To me this is a pretty scary thing to hear.


I think this is a very strong thing to say to someone whom is trying to cool things off. She seems happy where she is at and with the way things are. You pushed her too much too soon for her, you invaded her (boundaries). She probably felt pressured. I am sorry for your loss, and I too lost a family member recently. I understand too that that can be traumatic and lead you to feelings of wishing to live life to the fullest if you weren't already. Maybe you should try & get a counselor and try your best to give this girl some space or you will loose the friendship too. She mentioned feeling that the friendship was ending and it seemed that was what she valued the most.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Your story sounds so strikingly similar to mine (expect I did not have to deal with family demise). Sorry to hear about your brother and about your relationship.


My relationship with my ex lasted about 4 years. It was a LDR and I tried my best to be there with her when she needed me the most. She broke off with me over the same reason couple of months ago.


I went ballistics. When I asked her a reason, she skirted the issue like a pro. Later I found out she was cheating on me. I was heartbroken. Hell, I wanted to marry her this April.


About a year ago, our relationship started turning sour. We used to fight and there was a lot of negativity. I guess she wanted it out. We finally called it quits after 9 months of suffering and fighting.


I cried for her, pleaded to her...did everything to win her back but she simply wasn't interested. Earlier, whenever she used to come online, I used to beg...then I cried...then I abused...then I met someone else and then I stopped responding or bothering.


NC helps you to move on. LDR rarely work and they require an iron heart and rock solid commitment from both the parties. My LDR did not work although I would have loved it to work.


Get over your insecurities and move on. Talk with her. If things go your way, its good. If not, there is someone wonderful waiting for you.

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