advice for a friend

[catgirl82]

so, the following is not my problem but a problem of my best friend. i think it would help to get some more feedback before i say anything i might regret, so i am posting the situation (of course respecting her anonymity) on this site because you all have such good advice to give

 

so my friend has been seeing this man for about 2 months. from day 1, she fell very hard and fast for him (she usually does for every guy). he is about 10 years older, a jewish doctor (her dream man, on paper at least. its very important to her to date within the religion). so, it seems that after about 2 months, they have gotten very close. they see eachother a lot and talk on the phone a decent amount. my friend is a virgin and they have not had sex yet.

 

so here is the major problem- he got out of a serious relationship about 5 months ago. he keeps telling my friend that at this point, they cannot be "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that he needs to have the option to date around. he is older and he thinks the next girl he dates will be the one he marries, and he is afraid to commit to her without dating around. this is something they fight about all of the time, because she wants nothing more than a committed boyfriend and he wont give that to her.

 

here is where i get so frustrated:

she is so in love with him that she says leaving him is not an option. she thinks he is 100% perfect and 100% perfect for her. she says he treats her so well and keeps emphasizing how many nice things he says to her about her, etc. at the same time, she's constantly talking to me about these "commitment issues" that he has, and how unhappy she is. i think she is really putting up with alot for this guy and she doesnt deserve this. whats more, she has told me that she wants me to "root for their relationship" and that shes so afraid that i think he's a bad guy. i feel like shes CONSTANTLY defending him, before i even say anything (and i have never said anything negative, at least not yet)

 

how do i reason with her? she likes him SOOOO much and will be devasted if/when they end things. she is completely irrational and doesnt understand that this is not going to change. i dont have the heart to tell her how i really feel because she's so fragile and has created this fantasy for herself just to keep herself afloat. i feel like shes constantly lying to herself, denying the truth, rationalizing, just so she can believe that this will work out.

 

 

i would like to know

1. from a guys perspective, what do you think of this situation

2. any girls been through this? any positive outcomes?

3. what is a tactful way for me to deal with my delicate and somewhat clueless friend?

 

thanks for reading, everyone!

[Timebandit]

If I may be completely honest with you.....

 

Firstly, I dont think it is any of your business to conclude, that she should not be in that relationship. She has the responsibility for her own choices. Perhaps you´re right about the relationship being doomed already (you most probably are), but if you start teaching her, you deny her the right to learn from her own mistakes. Yes, she will land very hard when the relationship is over, but she will eventually get over it.

 

Secondly, I hardly ever hear about people changing their behaviour, just because well-meaning people drop clues or give unsolicited advice. I think it is futile, and will most likely just make her mad at you. Even if you could help her this time, it seems like she is stuck in a pattern, that she needs to unlearn.

 

Your friend must have some deeper issues, since she is falling so hard and fast for the men she meet. Perhaps she is desperate to feel loved by a man, or whatever it might be.

 

But I think that the most important things that you can do, is to accept her, and let her know that you stand by her right to make her own decisions, rather than to teach her how to live her life. She is already insecure enough as is. In time she will hopefully learn to make more healthy choices.

 

If I am being too blunt, just ignore me.