What the heck happened?

[janeok]

Please give me some advice!!!!

 

Ugh...this type of stuff is so hard. I hate going through it...

 

In a nutshell: I started dating this wonderful guy 5 months ago. It was the healthiest relationship I have had since my last long-term relationship 2 1/2 years ago. We were great together.

 

He is 5 years younger then me. In the beginning I kept reiterating to him how I was kind of uncomfortable with the age difference. However, he kept reassuring me that he often dates older women and that he is more mature than most guys his age. It was true; he was more mature.

 

I never pressured him about marriage or children. He was the first to tell me that he loved me and he was the one who said "I wonder if our kids will be as goofy as we are?" I did tell him that I loved him back over New Year's Eve, and I honestly thought things were great.

 

Well...I guess I was wrong. He called me on Friday to tell me that he didn't want to have kids or get married anytime soon. He then asked me how I felt. I told him that I just wanted to consentrate on finishing my graduate degree this year, and then on starting my new career in the Fall. I told him I was unsure of how I would feel in a few years, but for now, I was just happy being with him.

 

Again in short, he basically told me that he didn't want my "window of opportunity to pass me by. And that he still wanted to see me, but he wanted to make sure for both of us. I asked him "what he meant by "making sure for both of us." and he said that he wanted to make sure that we were "the one" for eachother."

 

I was so confused and shocked. I asked him how it was so easy for him to tell someone that you love them and then be ready to let them go. He told me that it would be hard, but that he saw where the relationship was going and that he just wasn't sure if he was ready for it." Still in shock I told him that "I guess I had nothing more to say and goodbye." He replied, I hope this is not goodbye forever." And I just reapeated, "Well I don't know what else to say, so Goodbye I guess."

 

Again, I never pressured him and he agreed that I never pressured him. So what happened? Did he just get spooked? Did the disparity in our ages come to freak him out?

 

I wrote him an email to tell him that I see that he needs his space and that if he wants to date other people, it's fine. However, I am uncomfortable dating him at the same time. I told him not to take it personally that I took him off my myspace, but I just needed to do it to get through...

 

Our last point of contact was when he texted me yesterday telling me that a package for me had arrived at his house from my mother. (My apt. building often loses packages so I asked if I could use his address before the breakup.) I texted back, telling him "Thank you" and if he could just put it outside his door for me to pick up in the morning. He texted back "sure no problem." I then texted "Thank you." and that was it. It was soooo cold. So weird.... I am soooo sad...

 

I want to tell him I miss him and that this has been hard. Does he know this already? I don't know. What to do?

[Tag]

Wow... your post really struck me. I felt as if I were reading an account of the end of the relationship I've been struggling with for the last year.

 

I was with a guy who was younger than me. He was all into me, then he turned around at about the magic 6 month mark and wasn't sure about the relationship anymore. He thought he knew where the relationship was going and didn't want to go there, yet. (the "yet", I think, is the poison dart that still stings me -- but this thread isn't about me so I'll shut it now)

 

Well...I guess I was wrong. He called me on Friday to tell me that he didn't want to have kids or get married anytime soon. He then asked me how I felt. I told him that I just wanted to consentrate on finishing my graduate degree this year, and then on starting my new career in the Fall. I told him I was unsure of how I would feel in a few years, but for now, I was just happy being with him.

Is that really how you feel? You mention age, kids, marriage, not pressuring, and possibly scaring him off. I might be completely off here, but...

 

Did you purposely not express your desires because that's really what you want? Were you were worried if you talked about these kinds of things to a younger guy you would scare him off?

 

That's the impression I got in my mind, sorry if it's completely off.

I know even if I were working on a degree or something else important... my relationships would still be on my mind.

 

So I'm not sure that he bought it... I think maybe, just maybe, he could see that you would want all those things, maybe not immediately, but soon, and he wasn't ready for it or just didn't want it. Maybe he just didnt' want it with you, as much as I hate to say that. Maybe he was feeling overwhelmed, who knows...

 

All I know is analyzing him and what drove him to do what he did will drive you insane.

 

Again in short, he basically told me that he didn't want my "window of opportunity to pass me by. And that he still wanted to see me, but he wanted to make sure for both of us. I asked him "what he meant by "making sure for both of us." and he said that he wanted to make sure that we were "the one" for eachother."

So he wants you to hang around, but not really have a relationship with you. I've heard guys spew that nonsense to me before. It's a cop-out. It's just something to delay what's to come. I've been in that exact situation and it's hell. I'll never do it again.

 

 

 

I did what you did too, I told him there was nothing left to say and I didn't want to speak anymore. It was terrible, horrible, awful... because I missed him so badly. ...but it worked. I regained a lot of my strength back and can now look back and see the relationship for what it was a little more clearly.

 

 

Personally I don't think you should contact him anymore; emails and text and such saying how much you miss him. In my experience that has a way of driving a person away further and loosing their respect. If he changes his mind, he will most likely contact you -- but don't count on that if it hasn't happened already. I did and it made me very depressed over something that was over a long time ago.

 

I hope I've said something useful... I'm no expert at this...

[janeok]

Tag,

 

Thanks so much for your response to my post. I mean one day...I do want to be married and have a family. Of course being 31, I would want it sooner, rather then later. But I understand that sometimes you are dealt with a deck of cards that may not necessarily be what you have dreamed for. I came to the conclusion of "why sabatoge a good relationship with societal worries about marriage and children." It may not be meant to be for me. I accepted that.

 

I don't know...maybe he did get some type of vibe from me that made him feel pressure. The first thing he said to me was that he wasn't ready for kids and marriage anytime soon, so something got planted in his head that told him I felt this way.

 

I just miss him so much. It sucks and it hurts. It ended so abruptly...

I want to just tell him that I'm hurting.

[Tag]

...but you're the one that decides whether you want marriage and kids or not. Not society, most certainly not him. That's a personal choice only you can make. Giving up your dreams for someone doesn't make a healthy relationship.

 

If it is indeed the lifestyle you want someday, I think you need to look at it as: he was an odd card out that was delt into the deck of your lifestyle. Better to replace one mismatched card then try to replace a whole deck for that one card. If you replace your dream deck, you may regret it for a long time, and that's a whole lot more hurt coming your way.

 

 

If you ever feel like telling him how much you hurt, I would recommend coming here and telling all of us instead. Telling him things like that will just drive him further from you, and his response (if any) probably won't help you heal much. ...but it's no good to bottle it up either, get it all out, maybe keep a journal here like I see a lot of people do.

[janeok]

How is it possible for someone to tell you that they love you (first), tell you that you are the best girlfriend they ever had, tell you that (after you have traveled all the way back home from Europe to California after visiting family) that they want you to come celebrate New Year's in Mexico with two other couples, no ifs and or buts, hug you, kiss you, etc. and then Out of the blue three days later break up with you!????

 

This was the healthiest relationship I have been in. WE were great together.

 

What the heck happened?

[janeok]

thank you. I won't contact him. I have been strong. I am just so confused.

 

Tag-you've been so helpful

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it could be that he realizes he doesn't want to get married for another 10 years, you would be 41 and he would be 35... he may feel if he wants to 'wait' that long, and make you do the same, it could mean no kids for you...

 

he also may just have decided he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship at all, or leading to marriage, and senses that you do want a more serious relationship than he does...

 

or it could be as simple as he's met someone else he's attracted to and wants to play the field rather than be in a committed relationship...

 

but you need to seriously evaluate what you want... it seems that he told you he was not sure he wanted to continue to kids and marriage, and your response was, 'well goodbye then...' so to me, it sounds like you told him that if he isn't interested in that you are not interested in him... is that what you meant to communicate to him?

 

it really sounds to me like you might have ended the relationship without much closure or discussion, just a phone call and goodbye, which neither of you might have wanted at that moment...

 

so if you want more info or closure, i suggest you meet him face to face to talk it it, and clearly evaluate what you want based on what he says...

 

but if your goal is marriage and you have told him many times that you are concerned about the age difference and his maturity, then he may be reacting to that, thinking yes, she is right, we are at different points in our lives and i don't want a serious relationship...

 

so talk it out some more for the sake of closure, then don't kid yourself about your own feelings or goals, and make a decision then.

[onelittleladybug]

I think two things are possible:

 

He either just went along and told you everything he thought you wanted to hear and did all these things for the same reason. Or he got scared. If I'm right on the first one, he's not worth your efforts and energy because he doesn't know who he is yet. If I'm right on the second one you're doing the right thing and just stay on this track and keep your dignity and grace. If he got scared I wouldn't be surprised if he came back. You can use the time to re-evaluate what you want.

 

I don't date younger guys for this exact reason. I know it sounds really cynical and I'm not saying that its ALWAYS the case (my very young just about 20 something year old cousin has a much older girlfriend, they had a baby and are a really happy couple. It happens.) But in my experience, many young guys will say and do anything to pursue that older woman they are infatuated with. They mean it in the moment that they say it but they dont have what it takes to keep their words. They WANT to be that guy that they are projecting but they cant fast forward. They have to go through whatever it is that a person has to go through to come to that place of wanting to settle down. This has been my experience so far, but I don't want to be jaded and I definitely don't want my jadedness to transfer on you.

[janeok]

Thanks you guys for your sound counsels. To be honest, I don't want to contact him and talk face to face because I am so scared of being hurt again.

 

After he flipped out on me the first time, I told him that "I am happy with him and that I just wanted to conscentrate on finishing school and starting my career in the fall." I also told him that "I was unsure of how I would feel in a couple of years about kids and marriage." He replied, "Yeah...I don't know how I am going to feel in a couple of years either." So then I said, "ok, then ...?"

 

When he called me again later that night we didn't talk a whole lot. I just wanted to finish the conversation quickly because I was in shock and I didn't have anything more to say. He said his peace. He knows how I feel.

 

The last contact we had was Monday. He had texted me that a package had arrived for me. I asked him (via text) to "please leave it outside his door and that I would pick it up." and "thank you." He texted "no problem." I replied "thank you" again. And then he didn't say anyting back. It was so cold. Almost like he was angry at me, or that I was the one who had dumped him.

 

Later on that day I sent an email telling him "thank you. and that I had picked up the package." I also said (in reference to the breakup) "this sucks... this is hard... but I'm trying to get through..." He wrote back "no problem about the package." and "I know this is hard. It is hard for me also."

 

It's the response i expected.

 

I don't want to prolong the pain by talking to him again. I'm expecting the worst. I'm expecting that there is someone else. But I want to walk away with dignity and not bombard him with emails. I want to get through this...