confused (PLEASE ADVICE!ADVICE!)

[JessicaLOVE]

k so i dated this guy for a year, and we were really close. such a sweetheart, and just every girl's dream. Around july, he got into drinking and other stuff like that. he'd stay out late and not tell me where he was. he kept telling me it was none of my business. so i dumped him. it was hard, and i was just as hurt as he was. he didn't talk to me for 2 months. when he did, it was just to tell me how great his new girlfriend was at sex. wowie. i really needed to know that buddy.. anyways, he didn't talk to me for a while, and then called me up late november just to talk. {Mod Edit}??? i was so angry. and he had changed alot. he spoke to me as if i was a complete idiot, and that he couldn't care less if i was drowned in the ocean or shot in the head. I hung up and screamed and did everything i cud to try and get out my anger. i cryed about him a lot after that. because i knew that things had changed for him, and it seemed like he was having a lot of problems in his life. He sounded like he did before us. before we started dating, he had lots of issues. family life, suicide issues, etc. we were friends, and he asked me out. i couldnt say no! cute guy- some issues, but i thought i'd take him under my wing. anyways, yeah through our relationship he seemed better. he came to church with me etcetc.. then january 2nd, he calls me and yells at me blaming me for making his life worse again. he said i was the one good thing that happened to him. and now i'm gone. and he was so pissed at me. Then he called on the 5th, apologized, and asked for me back because he couldn't live without me. i mean he's a sweet guy and all, but should i really get back togehter with him??

[i2oadi2unnei2]

Before I go to bed, here's my take on this... Strike 3, you're out! I strongly suggest you think about this real hard before you decide to take him back. You are right about him having personal issues. The way you describe him, he seems to have some serious emotional baggage and I am not sure if you want to carry that w/ you in the long run unless he does something about it. He may or may not have seen this other girl and had sex and all that. He may be playing reverse psychology and/or games with you...

 

If you do want to give him a chance, you'll need to be open and honest with him. Don't be nice, that's the last thing you want to do. Being honest with him and letting him know how much you love and care for him, means that he needs to know that he needs to take care of himself and resolve his issue before you can accept him again. If he can't help himself, how is he going to help the relationship? You'll want to help him cope with this issue on his own and you'll need to step back and let him handle it himself. He can only change, you can't change him. When he does get better and needs a little support, then by all means be there, but don't carry him too far...

 

Good luck and best wishes to you...

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello JessicaLOVE,

 

Somehow I get the impression that this guy is trying to get even with you.

 

That, or he might have some manic/depression issues.

 

I would NC him for good. You don't really need head games, right.

 

What a dope, (he is) you could do a whole lot better for yourself.

 

Good luck

[LLammas]

Hi JessicaLOVE,

 

My take on this is a little more forgiving. If you really want to work on a relationship with this guy, I'd suggest talking to him about personal counseling. It sounds as though he's going through quite a lot right now (suicide issues! that's a big red flag) and needs help that those around him just can't provide. He may be a great guy, but he also may not be emotionally stable enough for a relationship at the moment: emotional issues can make people act like total jerks, even when they realize what they're doing and desperately want to stop.

 

If you care about him, I'd advise staying out of romantic relationsip territory until he's worked on himself enough to be stable and happy. This doesn't mean I think there's not hope, I just think that you can't have a happy relationship until he's happy with himself. Maybe try being a friend to him (for now) while he's going through this difficult time.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

[samross]

Hi JessicaLOVE,

 

I don't know your age group but my suggestion is do yourself a major favor and go NC for good with this guy. No one deserves to be treated this way. It sounds like he is trying to control you with his anger, which at present is just words but later could be and usually will be worse. Whatever problems he has - you can't fix them. Only he can. If you had a very long relationship with him and then the drinking started, it would be understandable to try to help him and stay with him. But what you are describing are major warning signs. One of the primary reasons a woman stays with someone like this is either her own self esteem is rock bottom or she has her self convinced 'she can change him'. It won't happen and I hope you will understand that. If he is telling you things like 'he doesn't care if you get shot in the head' then listen up - - that is a major warning sign. When someone expresses something like that verbally to you it means he has been thinking of it. You might think I'm crying wolf but it sounds like he has some deep-rooted problems that your love won't ever fix. In this type of relationship, he will always have you believing that you are the reasons for his problems. After a while you will begin believing this. Please don't fall into this type of trap because no one deserves this.