Probably being stupid

[diverp]

Hello,

I am 35 years old and turning 36 on this coming Saturday. Typically, I don't really make a big deal out of my birthday, unlike my wife who seems to need a birthday week Anyways, my wife's mom is coming to visit starting on Thursday and staying the weekend. This is always kind of a mess because then my wife's sister and the mother do not really get along greatly. The sister, in the past, complains that the mom doesn't come around to visit enough, but when she is here all she can do is complain about how her mom disrupts her family (she has 3 boys and her husband).

 

Over the last 4 or 5 months, my wife's sister and family have become overnight religious nuts. THey never showed interest in religion before, but all of a sudden, they are going like 4 days a week, twice on Sunday's. My wife and I are not religious at all. On Christmas, everyone had to schedule around their church schedule, which was annoying.

 

So, originally, my wife had planned to have her mom babysit our 4 month old baby for Saturday afternoon while we go and get some dinner out and possibly a movie...something fun. What ended up happening is that the sister decides that they are not going to have time on Sunday to visit with her mom, so they would need to do something on Saturday. So, my wife kind of caves in and agrees. So, on Saturday, my wife and her mom are doing something in the morning and then the mom is going to head to my wife's sister's house for the afternoon. THEN, on Sunday, my wife's mom is wanting to go do something with my wife. So, as it turns out, I am going to be babysitting for Saturday and Sunday.

 

But wait, there is more. THEN, my wife's mom decides that they should have a girl's night at teh movies on Friday night. So, my wife asks me if I could get off work early on Friday so taht I could babysit our daughter then too.

 

ALSO, her sister mentioned that since her husband has Friday off, why not have everyone come over to our house on THursday for dinner and to chat. My response to that with my wife was.."now, do you not realize that I do work on Friday and that I won't be home until about 6 and that with people over later in the evening, we won't get our daughter to bed until at least 9:30 or 10 (which will make her cranky and not sleep so well anyways)? I just asked why this couldn't be done on the weekend? Her sister said taht since her husband had the next day off, it was all good. WHat am I? Chopped liver?

 

Anyways, the thing that is odd to me is that since birthdays for myself really aren't a big deal, why am I so peeved about this chain of things happening this weekend so that I am essentially following my wife's sister and mom's poor planning and am essentially becoming a babysitter for the entire weekend? My wife was sick this weekend, so I was taking care of both this past weekend. I had a discussion with my wife yesterday about it bugging me and she agrees that it is not very fair. She said that her sister's actions bug her too, but she didn't want to "make waves" with her mom and sister since they do enough of that by themselves. So, my wife would essentially like to not make waves and instead allow her sister and mom to schedule things this weekend. Heck, I'll be lucky if I can get out of the house to at least have lunch or something with my dad (the only family I have outside my wife and daughter).

 

I know, I am probaly being very stupid about this...but it still is annoying.

[RayKay]

Even if you are not huge into celebrating birthdays, it does not mean you don't like to feel recognized, and respected. THat is probably what is bothering you here.

 

I think the bigger deal here is that she seems to take it for granted you don't have other plans, and that you will take care of the baby (um...I don't consider watching your own child "babysitting" - that is "parenting" but still these are things you need to discuss with one another)

 

It is good you told your wife why it bothered you, but it does seem she does put her "other" family first in this case, but I am not sure if that is frequent, or if it is just for this weekend. If for this weekend, it is understandable since mom is coming to visit that more family things are involved. It is frequent, well it is something you need to figure out together.

 

Has she suggested rescheduling something for your birthday at least when mom is out of town at all?

[diverp]

Don't get me wrong. I love taking care of my daughter. Its just that since she is only 4 1/2 months old, we haven't exactly had a chance to do anythign with just the two of us for quite some time. It woudl be a nice thing to do (I was kind of looking forward to it actually).

 

Here mom comes to town about once every 3 months or so. I have no problem with her mom. I have a problem with how her and her other daughter butt heads and then mess around with everyone else's schedules. I did however let my wife know that if it helps, I will try to move my birthday off to another non church day next year

[RayKay]

I did however let my wife know that if it helps, I will try to move my birthday off to another non church day next year

 

Ha!

 

Yeah, well sometimes family is not very understanding....do they know it is your birthday this weekend? I would think that they should at least respect giving you two some time alone to celebrate it!

[Beec]

She said that her sister's actions bug her too, but she didn't want to "make waves" with her mom and sister since they do enough of that by themselves. So, my wife would essentially like to not make waves and instead allow her sister and mom to schedule things this weekend.

 

Your wife is letting her family run roughshod over your birthday and it is getting no recognition. When it comes to your own family running roughshod over you, oh weel, that's you choice. When it comes to them doing so over your spouse or children, you need to put your foot down. She has let her sister not respect your borthday, which is not unlike doing it herself. Sometimes it is right to raise a stink, and in this case, your wife should on your behalf. Instead, she chose not to stick her neck out, and it did not hurt her so much as it hurt you.

 

I might be able to get over this one, but I would also have a discussion with my wife and let her know that she needs to learn to stick her neck out on your behalf. Or, she's just not up to snuff as a wife.

[RayKay]

Agree with Beec, she really should of said "that sounds great mum & sister, but I have plans with diverp for his birthday. If you guys want to go out, I will find another sitter, but we are going out as we made plans...and it is his birthday!"

[diverp]

Yeah. They know. My wife's sister has her three kids and is very condescending about some things we do with our daughter compared to what she has done with her kids (her kids never had a bed time, they homeschool, etc.). We have already started a bedtime for our daughter and it is working out very well. I wouldn't home school our daughter. I also don't like how pushy she is with my wife as she knows she most likely won't back down.

 

I think the thing that bugs me is that before we had our daughter, the world seemed to revolve around her and her three kids. Now that our daughter is getting a little older, she is getting a little more attention from her mom and dad, etc. Instead of being nice about it, she pouts and makes it a contest of sorts. For crying out loud, she has only come over like 2 times to see our daughter since she was born. We have friends who have come over more. Heck, our neighbor has seen our daughter more times. My wife's sister is very petty, in my opinion, and I don't think my wife sees that or how she manipulates her. I won't say much about it, but it is not a healthy thing in my opinion. Her sister at one point was trying to pawn off a bunch of old boy's toys and clothes and the like on us at one point because they were cleaning out our garage and didn't want to toss it. It wasn't about being nice at all, just convenience. I said no. We don't want boy's stuff for our daughter, thank you very much. She also tried to push some religious stuff on us and our daughter. Neither my wife nor myself are religious. I respect her sister and family doing what they want, but after we kind of put our foot down on not wanting religious stuff pushed on us, she tries to get her 5 year old son to give our daughter a bible. I just saw that as a manipulative thing to do and I didn't appreciate that one bit.

 

Ahhh, in-laws.

[Beec]

Once again, your wife needs to go to bat over these issues.

 

I have fought with my family, small arguments, over things dealing with my wife and myself. It's our decision and when we make it, we make it, and if my family does not like it, Tough S___. Your wife needs to stand her ground and let her sister know that her sister, and mother for that matter, cannot interfere with your family.

 

And there would come a point at which I would tell her that she ahd better do it, or you will.

 

As a spouse, you are just not always allowed to go along. Sometimes you simply must fight for the family you created when you married, even if that means you fight against the family that you have had your whole life. As far as the bedtime and homeschooling comments, she would be told to mind her own business if that were my sister.

[caro33]

Yes, agree with RayKay and Beec, and particularly Beec's last post above.

 

Your wife sounds like she's a bit between a rock and a hard place, but she's also making the 'wrong' choice. Perhaps because she knows you are a good person and will cut her some slack, whereas the family are demanding and difficult. But the minute you start feeling bad about things she needs to put you and her 'new' family first: that's the deal you made when you got married and had your daughter I would think.

 

Even if the mother comes only occasionally, a few hours alone with you should be possible in this whole visit, and even facilitated by the mother, as she can babysit now.

[annie24]

On an unrelated note, I don't see why she would be bragging about not having a bedtime for her kids. That just sound ludicrous to me - to have small kids running around the house at 1 AM.

 

I guess, like the others said, maybe let it go this time, but make sure you and your wife celebrate your birthday sometime this week or next week. and in the future, do what raykay suggested, insist your wife not accommodate the "birthday weekend crashers."