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alive jp - i think i may have posted that my husband started out with an emotional affair and it lead to more too. i had feelings of wanting to contact the other woman just to say hey "i know what is going on and your not sneaking behind my back anymore" i actually talked to her once when she drove by my husband's appt one night and we were walking out. (about a year ago) it did help to talk to her but my husabnd and i were going thru reconciliation at the time. we talked like adults (no screaming) and she apologized for the hurt they caused. but if they are continuing the affair, i'm not sure how communication wouldn't become hurtful on both ends...i just wonder if it would do more damage to you since she really doesn't care and is continuing with the affair. just think on it....and talk it over with your support network and then make a decision.


alivejg and steelergal - if you want a good book on emotional affairs it is not just friends by shirley glass...i read it cover to cover and it is very informative about how these things work and snowball....good luck

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Thanks for your support ladies.

Okay so I took a few deep breaths last night and did not leave her a message. I'd like to but I know it won't do any good at this point. I am lost though. I just don't know what to do next. YEs, I know everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself, nuture myself, stick close to my support network...and I am actually continuing to do those things. I got a pedicure yesterday and am going to the movies this afternoon...dinner tonight with mom. BUT all of that still leaves me not knowing what the heck to do. I was thinking of just "vowing" a no contact with him for a month. Just so I can clear my head...What do you think?

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Sometimes a little distance can be a good thing- as you said, to help you clear your head. I think it would be a good idea for you to give yourself that space.


And remember, even if you did call this woman.. what would you say? What about the next woman? And the next? The point is, if your husband's behaviour is out of control and unfaithful, talking to/threatening the other women isn't going to solve the problem. Either he is sorry and makes the effort to earn your trust back and be with you, or he doesn't. But it has to come from him, and from you, if you ever thought you could trust him again and respect him. The problem is with him, not her.


Give yourself some time and space to think about that, without his influence, and see what you come up with.

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it is very common for men involved in affairs to try to pacify their wives and *pretend* they intend to reconcile when they are in fact making plans with the new woman and thinking of way to get the advantage and transfer the assets to higher ground.


so he could be putting money into your joint account now, but one day you bounce a check and discover he has emptied the entire account out. because it is a joint account, that is legal for him to do that... you might get your half of the money back evenutally when the divorce is finalized and the judge orders restitution, but until then, you are out of luck...


it is well established that he is a liar, an addict, AND is disappearing and obviously having an affair with someone else, no matter what he is tellingyou... this may be a planned move on his part, to move to an apt. so he can spend more time with her without having to report to you. she may have given him an ultimatum to move out too...


the reality is that the only person he should be making hundreds of calls to is you or his AA counselor, so no excuse for that, a lie. i think regardless of what he is telling you, he may never be back, just string you along while trying to get the advantage.


so it is really in your best interests to hire a private detective, get proof of the adultery, go to court and get a temporary support order from the judge so that it is established that you can live in the house and he must help you with payments until the divorce is settled. he could decide tomorrow on his own that his is not giving you any more money, and then how do you keep a roof over your head?


please try not to fire off any more 'how dare you' emails because that is just venting your rage and may only entice him to empty your bank account and refuse to give you money unless you have a court order to make him do so... focus on yourself and your financial survival first, and deal with the emotions in therapy etc.


it really sounds like this guy is a loser, a liar, AND an adulterer, so please consider going straight for a separation/divorce, and don't waste more of your life on him...

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  • 1 month later...

I have not given an update on my situation in a while but today was emotional mayhem and I could really use some extra support.



Two and one half months has passed in my informal separation from my husband. The whole story is at the beginning of this post. I tried NC but my husband keeps coming to our house to retrieve items, then starting arguments with me over nothing...continuing his usual verbal abuse.


I have in the process been doing ALOT to work on myself, I go to therapy, a 12 step program, and I began Yoga. Plus I have seen a lawyer and am almost ready to file for divorce. He is continuing his drinking and excessive conversation with another woman. Recently his phone bill showed that he called a florist and a french restaraunt on Valentine's Day! Today he told me that he was calling places because he goes out to eat by himself and was also considering buying me flowers. Someone please remind me that to believe him would be naive. In my gut I know he is lying, but there is this little piece of me that wants to believe him.


He also asked me to not state his past drug abuse in my complaint b/c he is worried about the effect it will have on his carreer plans. So I figure he is manipulating me and lying about his affair b/c he wants me to change the wording in my complaint for divorce. Should I agree to leave it out? Does it even matter in the big scheme of things?


I have sooooo much running through my head. He just seemed so lonely. And I don't know how we got to this place in our marriage. He hasn;t even said he wants the divorce and yet he doesn't want to work on our marriage. So I am taking the first step to end it....I don;t know this is just so hard and painful.

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i wish i could believe him about the florist and the dinner..but no way...he has shown no remorse or wanting to reconcile with you...there is someone else as you know and i would continue your plans to divorce him...you sound like you are working on yourself and doing pretty well...


divorce, i bet, is such a scary thing but i do think that after it is all over, you will be able to start anew and find a spouse you deserve...


ask your attorney about the drug use issue...i would think that if he would not agree to your terms(as long as they are reasonable) and he gets ugly in the divorce (which i hear happens a lot) you could use that info to your benefit...you don't need to worry about his future "career" plans unless he is going to be paying your substantial alimony in the future...you need to worry about your future and what is best for you...


i hear that when the love is gone, it all comes down to the money with men and divorce...sure that is true with some women too...good luck and keep on course!

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