My mom wants a divorce...

[sarapara]

Hi everyone, I'm a senior in college and leaving town in a few months to start a new job and life. I'm writing this hoping there'll be someone who will give me some good advice.

 

My dad has cheated on my mom twice (he first cheated on her more than 10 years ago, then again cheated on her about 5 years ago). My mom tried to divorce both times but decided to stay in marriage because my brother and I were still kids and dad asked her to stay. But the problem is, she could never forgive or forget what he did to her. As she decided to stay in marriage, she's been acting normal and pretending like nothing ever happened. Because of that, we became happy family.

 

But a few years ago, though I don't know what happened, she suddenly started acting mean toward my dad. It seems like she's trying to make dad feel uncomfortable at home. She says mean things, yells at him, acts , etc. My dad simply ignores her and does what she tells him to do and says that's OK, she's just stressed out from work. Whatever he does is another mistake for her.

 

I know what my dad did is very wrong and hurt my mom more than I could ever know, but I don't want to see her yelling or being mean. I mean, although my dad did the most stupid thing he could've done, but still he's a great parent and best dad. My mom is also a wonderful woman and bestest mom. I kinda like make sure if my dad is OK when he's yelled at and if my mom is OK when she's very upset.

 

But I can't do that anymore because I took a job in NY (I live in NC) and will have to leave in a couple of months. My mom confessed last night that she doesn't know what to do after I'm gone and has been thinking about divorce (but she wonders if she should wait until my brother gets older). She says she feels as if she lives in hell. I told her that i could give up the job and work part-time or something if that's what she wants, but she says she doesn't want me to sacrifice my job. She feels worried if I'm gone, there'll be nobody around who listens to her. And she can't stand the fact that she has to live with my dad. She doesn't want to be in the same room with my dad. She doesn't even do the grocery shopping with my dad because she doesn't want want to be in the same car.

 

I once told her to forget all the things and forgive dad, but she said she couldn't. She said she tried so many times to forgive him, but she just couldn't seem to. If she hates him so much, nothing will be better, I know. And I think living with my dad makes my mom unhappy, I honestly think she should get a divorce, but I'm very worried because If I'm gone, there'll be no one who's gonna check up on my parents. This situation is literally tearing my heart out. I can't leave town leaving this mess behind, but I need to make money and live my life too.

 

As my brother is in a boarding school in Switzerland, I am the only person who can look after my parents. My mom also worried that if she left, there'd be no person who is capable of taking care of all the pets we have. (My dad works like maniac.) I know pet's problem isn't so important, and we can figure something out, I'm sure. The question is this:

 

Should I give up the job and be around my parents?

 

Sorry for the long whining, I'm just not sure what to do. What would you do if you were in my position?

[DN]

Hi, welcome to eNotAlone.

 

No - you most certainly should not give up your job. It is not your task to fix their problems they must do that on their own.

You could suggest counselling or be there for them by phone, e-mail etc but that is enough. Giving up your job is too much for you - and for them.

[Kalika]

I agree with DN. You cannot "take care" of things for them. Your parents need to either figure out a way to work things out as adults, or divorce as adults. Have they considered counseling, either as a couple or individually? Before even thinking about divorce, they should consider doing that..

[agent1607307371]

No. If you did give up your job to look after them, how do you think you would do it? Your parents are adults.

 

Live your life, be there for both your parents, but don't sacrifice your plans.

[Beec]

I agree with the others. You cannot live your life to keep peace between them.

 

I would also tell your parents that unless something changes, they should divorce. If something could change, in a positve manner, then I think it would begin with your father. If you want to suggest to him things to do to get back your mother's love, then that mgiht be doable, but it is also a very long shot, and it is also something I don't think I'd want to talk to my fahter about, under any circumstances.

[radioheader]

follow your dreams while you are young...don't stay back for your parents...i have experience what your mother has but chose to forgive to more forward in the healthy manner...all that anger/hatred has got to be eating away at her...she needs seroius counseling...and only she can decide what is best for her...you have a cell phone, i'm sure so she can call you to talk whenever she needs to...take care of yourself and good luck in new york...they should be so proud and not even let you think about giving it up!

[confusedmama]

I am in total agreement with all others, you need to move on with your life!! You cannot parent your parents, that is not your job. Actually, they have been unfair to you to get you sooo mixed up in their problems that you would even consider staying in NC and not moving forward. I can also feel where you ar coming from, my parents divorced when I was a junior in college after my mother stayed with my dad "for the sake of the kids" after he had affairs on her. She also could never forgive or forget and in some repects she still hasn't and it has been 17 years since they divorced. While I know it is difficult to you, being the peacemaker was always my job too, if you don't distance yourself I am afraid you will be damaging the way you deal in relationships. I am just now discovering how my past with my parents have influenced how I deal in relationships now. I am having to relearn many aspects of this.

[sarapara]

Thank you so much for advice, everyone!! As I talked about the problem I have out loud, I feel much better now. I haven't thought about the counceling, and I'm sure my mom/dad hasn't either. That idea gave me hope that my parents could be OK to one another without me, and I'm beginnning to see things in a different light, a positive light now. I'll talk about counceling with my parents (or at least with my mom) and see how things go from here. It's not really easy to leave town like this, but like y'all encouraged, I decided to leave to persue the job.

 

Thank you so much!!

[radioheader]

good luck and rememeber nothing is permanent...if things don't go the way you plan in new york you can always make a change...you are not locked into anything...your future is wide open...