asked for a separation last night

[marriednlost]

i told my husband last night that i want to separate for a little while. or a long while, depending on how it goes, i guess. basically, i have been unhappy for a long time, the better part of 2 years. i have zero sexual attraction to my husband, and no matter how hard i try i can't sleep with him. we haven't had sex in over 2 months, the longest we've gone (except for the time right after i had our son). about 9 months ago i almost had an affair, but didn't. my husband found out about it, and that has put a huge strain on things, even though he tells me he forgives me.

 

we get along in all other areas of our marriage. it's just that we're more like roommates rather than husband and wife. we have 2 kids (one that i brought to the marriage and one together.) i hate thinking what a separation will do to the kids, but i grew up with unhappy parents and it made me miserable. i think my kids will be better in the long run if we part.

 

i was in therapy by myself for about 6 months, but i don't think it helped a great deal. my therapist was very wishy washy about his thoughts on my relationship. one minute he would tell me he thought it was probably going to end, and the next he would be commending my husband's commitment to our marriage and say that we could work it out. i haven't been to the therapist in a few months, and lack of money is part of the reason.

 

i can't help but feel as if this life is not supposed to be all there is for me. like there is something else out there for me, somewhere else i will end up.

 

depression has really been setting in lately. the holidays were a disaster. i didn't want anything to do with them. i didn't want to decorate the tree or the house, didn't want to go shopping, wrap presents, go visit family. i just wanted it to be over. i really have no emotion about anything. the only thing i seem to get any joy out of is my son, who's 2 years old.

 

i don't know how to do this whole separation thing, and i guess that's what i'm seeking advice on. i need people who have been there to tell me how to go about it. i work, but i don't make nearly enough to support this house and our monthly expenses. i bring in about a 1/3 of what my husband earns every month. he doesn't make enough to pay for an apartment and help with the bills here as well. i know sacrifices would have to be made, but i don't want to uproot my kids from their house and add more complication to an already difficult situation.

 

i have rambled on long enough. i hope someone has some advice for me.

[Vynde]

Hello Marriednlost,

 

Im so sorry your having such a hard time.

 

Maybe a little time apart is a good idea. It may help clear your head and allow you to take a step back and look at things.

 

It sounds like the therapist you are seeing isnt to good, maybe you should look into getting another one? It might be worth it.

 

I wish I had more advice to gie you. I would contiue to post here as Im sure some people wil have some great inight into this.

 

Hang on.

 

John

[chai714]

My guess is that you being depressed is greatly responsible for your lack of desire for sex. It seems as if the problems you're experiencing are more internal rather than caused by your husband. Remember, each person is responsible for his/her own happiness - this is something that your husband can't provide entirely, nor is it his duty.

 

Also, know that a therapist does not solve problems. They give their opinions and in your case, your therapist gave contradictive opinions. Save your money and work on getting out of the depression slump rather than seeing someone who will feed you confusing lines for money.

 

Finally, if you're going to leave then have a long term plan how you're going to achieve independence. Obviously, you need to be able to survive for you and your child but this takes planning. If getting a different/another job is required then figure out how you will manage that.

 

Good luck.

[drum4god]

Marriednlost,

 

You say you lost sexual attraction. Is there a reason why? Does he take care of himself physically? Did he let himself go? Is he not treating you well? I don't know the whole story, but the truth is all marriages go through dry spells. If he truly loves you and is treating you well, then you can work through this. But I don't know the details.

[Jeff777]

Hey - you can't expect someone to make you happy if you're depressed!

After a while even your kids will not give you the "emotional fix" that you need. Somehow or other (search your heart within) you'll need to find this within.

 

Try working on your situation as you find it. Take the next "best step" in a postive manner (yourself individually - not thinking of the relationship as it is)

[foobar]

This is exactly how my wife felt 6 mos ago. She was unhappy in our marriage for a 2 yr period-- Our problems started when I lost my job (first time ever) and she could not deal with my depression and anxiety for the future. She turned to the internet and had an emotional affair with a guy from CA. The guy even flew into to town to meet with her and I called her on it. Things were never the same again.

 

On our anniversary, she announced that she was looking for apts for me so we could have a separation. I told her that I was staying in the house so we could work on our issues (communication-- I don't "get" her, according to her), she then chose to move out. Our councilor says that she divorced me in her mind on that day.

 

About a month into the separation she said that she could no longer go in our house-- I assume she made the emotionial break by then. 2 Days after Christmas, she said that she was filing for divorce. The papers were signed on the 2nd. Now we are just going throught the motions to get it done.

 

I do not want the divorce. We have two beautiful kids and a wonderful , safe home for them to grow up in. We still do have feelings for each other-- she wants me in her life as a friend and as the father of her children, but not as a husband. I can't help but think what she is doing is wrong, but in FL, you do not need permission, agreement or a reason for divorce. This is going to happen because she says so.

 

I don't know what to say to you, because I do not understand how my wife could deem a communication issue unresolvable-- to me divorce is wrong and all problems can be solved with work. But she says she is tired and does not want to try anymore.

 

I would ask you to examine yourself and be sure of what you are doing for the children's sake.

[marriednlost]

Marriednlost,

 

You say you lost sexual attraction. Is there a reason why? Does he take care of himself physically? Did he let himself go? Is he not treating you well? I don't know the whole story, but the truth is all marriages go through dry spells. If he truly loves you and is treating you well, then you can work through this. But I don't know the details.

 

no, he takes care of himself just fine. he treats me well, for the most part. we have our spats, which is normal. granted things have gotten worse lately because of these issues. but no, he does not mistreat me, he's not abusive or anything of the sort. i'm just not attracted to him. he feels more like a friend to me. i compare the feelings to feelings i have for a guy friend that i love dearly, but couldn't dream of having sex with.

 

as far as depression being the reason for my lack of desire, the depression hasn't always been here. i think the depression is a result of these problems i've been having. even when i'm not depressed i still don't want to have sex with him. i'm depressed because i'm unhappy in my current situation. thereforeeee, i'm wondering if a separation is what i should try.

 

i know he truly loves me, but i think this is more than just a dry spell. when we do have sex, i absolutely do not enjoy it and don't want to be doing it. i've tried the "do it more and you'll want it more" approach, and that doesn't work either. we have plenty of alone time. the kids go stay with grandparents for a night about twice a month. i just don't think this is who i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i'm not saying there's someone else. maybe i'm not supposed to be married to anyone. i just know i don't want to let my whole life pass me by while i'm always wondering. does that make sense?

[Jeff777]

Yes, it sounds like what my wife was going through. However, she was feeling depression for years. Seems every time I would just want to hug her or be affectionate, she thought I just wanted sex ...... well, she WAS partially right. But I think that if I got just a little more affection - maybe I wouldn't have been looking for sex/affection all the time. If I did not initiate sex, usually I would end up getting it once a month. That was hard for me.

 

She also swore that I never loved her. And she had very low self-esteem issues due to her abusive childhood - mostly at the hands of her father.

(He never told her he loved her).

[radioheader]

my husband moved out for a separation after an affair 1 1/2 years ago for 6 months...he got an inexpensive apartment close by...it will be tough if the finances are tight...we were fortunate enough not to have to worry with that but it is something you must think about if you are looking long term with this...

 

it is such a hard decision...i feel for you...i have 2 kids also...the main thing i can say is that they will pick up on how you and yoru husband handle all of this...if you stay civil and friendly with each other and have their best interest in mind, they will do okay...when they see that you two are both okay they will probably accept it as best they can...good luck!