I Really Need Some Advice---please!!!!

[PraPaDiT]

Ok guys im new to this...sorry if my sorty is a little long, but if you can please help me

 

i was dating this girl for 7months...i dated a lot & never felt for a girl what i felt for her. other than a few minor fights, things were heaven. we spent a lot of time together alone & with friends. her friends loved me (i still hang out with them from time to time).

well, one day about a month & a half ago she IM's me while im at work and was being very cold. when i asked her what was wrong she said "i dont know if im in love with you anymore." my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. she said "ive felt this way for 2months now & didnt know how to tell u". i went from cloud 9 to rock bottom.

i thought & thought about what she has said. i started thinking maybe she was jst confused & was going through a lot. but at the same time i thought, if she's telling the truth, everytime in the past 2months she told me she loved me was a lie. & that hurt like none other....i talked to some of her friends to see if anything had happened, or if they knew what was going on with her...they told me nothing.

 

i asked her if she wanted to see other ppl, she said "No". i gave it a day & thought about things & talked to some friends. i called her up & started talking to her, telling her that i loved her but i couldnt be with someone that doesnt love me. if there's no love, what is there to fight for...? was i wrong for doing this?

she started crying but didnt put up much of a fight & said "well i guess this is it" which made me feel like she was looking for a way out. she asked me if i wanted back the $2,000 puppy i bought her jst 2 weeks before. i told her that was a present from me to her & wanted her to have the puppy.

 

well she was very upset & cried a lot...she told me none of this was my fault & how sorry she was for losing such a great guy & she would never find someone like me & didnt wanna lose me from her life....i was very upset & didnt even bother going to work, but i said i would give it a couple days....i called her back up & told her i wanted to meet with her & talk but she refused. i told her i think we're making a mistake & i let her know if we could work this out in anyway i was willing to try to make things work....well by this time she was no longer hurt & crying, now she was mad saying how much of a jerk i was to break up with her because of this & to do it over the phone(which i really regret doing). (but she did tell me she doesnt love over an instant message...while i was at work)

 

well, she kinda stopped talking to me. we'd text back & forth but she was very cold & short....i was going through a lot...so i took off for a day without saying a word to anybody. jst needed some time alone....my family freaked when they couldnt find me & my sister called my ex to see if she knew where i was. my ex got very worried & called the police & hospitals looking for me...i came home the next morning & txted her letting her know i was ok. she wanted me to give her an explination of where i was & what i did. i didnt feel like i owed her an explination & that she shouldnt worry about me anymore. she never gave me one for what she did....she wrote me a message saying "you take off for the whole day & expect no one to worry? i cant stand you right now. Good bye."

 

and that was the last i heard from her, 2weeks ago....she & a couple of her friends hat tried getting a hold of me that nite stopped atlking to me all together....nobody knows what happened to her. some of her friends were as shocked as i was to the way she's been acting lately. she used to tell them how much she loved me & wanted be with me. they couldnt believe she told me she didnt love me anymore.

its been a month since our breakup & 2weeks since ive heard from her & with each passing day, instead of getting easier & easier it gets harder & harder.

 

i love this girl with all my heart & would move mountains jst to be with her...i was planning on marrying this girl. she doesnt know it, but before we broke up i put a down payment on an engagement ring (a VERY expensive ring for that matter) & planned to propose.

 

Sorry again for being so long....Thank you so much for reading.

 

i would give anything & everything to have her back....any advice??

[redding500]

Hey, I hear your pain through your writing. The girl sounds very unstable to me. I would let some more time pass and stay in NC, both for your own healing and also so that the situation cools down. Sorry that you're going through such a rough time.

[isidore]

She told you she didn't love you on an instant message? Holy christ! My ex informed me she wanted to break up over the phone. And she didn't even have the courtesy to call me, I had to call her to find out. You dated her for 7 months, I was with mine for about 9.

 

You say you were buying a ring, had you two ever discussed marriage? I know we never did, and truth be told if I had only admitted the it to myself I'd have seen we had no future.

 

It's been almost 2 months since my ex dumped me, and recently I had a little setback (tonight in fact!) but I'm feeling better now, and I can tell you it does and will get better. Just try and promise yourself that you'll give it at least a couple more weeks to be alone and try to clear your mind.

 

This girl in no way deserves a ring from you! I don't know you, but I know THAT for a fact.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA PraPaDiT, good to have you here. I'm sorry your first post is about this situation though...

 

Well, believe me, I understand all too well your situation from personal experience. I've heard those words too and have fought like hell to win such love back. I've learned once that switch is flipped from "I love you" to "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I don't know if I love you", even the most masterful of emotional electricians can't get that switch working again.

 

Especially what you say about how she has been feeling this for a few months. I believe this comes from partially her not knowing what to do about the new feelings, perhaps denying them a bit, as well as some fear and a little security having you there while she grieves and distances herself from you and the situation.

 

No worries, that's all done. It's history, it happened and there is no changing it. What you can do is what you can do now and your best bet given your emotional state is to consider this case closed and distance yourself from her immediately.

 

Everything you've written leads me to believe this is a lost cause. Her change of behavior is probably coming from the fact she doesn't want a relationship yet the grief she is feeling also is pulling her back to familiar territory. So she fights this conflict within herself hence the potpourri of emotions and the shocking change in behavior.

 

Remember too she has a head start on you when it comes to going through the grieving process. She's had to months to process all this and you had it fall right on top of you in an instant. That right there creates an imbalance that needs to be rectified before there is any talk of friendship at this point. Let those deep feeling equalize with time and distance before pursuing further communication.

 

In the meantime, dis-a-freaking-pear from her life. Tell her what you're doing and why you're doing it for her sake as well as yours. The relationship may be done but your healing process won't start until you take control of your life for yourself. Do what you gotta do to get through your grief but do it away from her.

 

You say you would do anything to have her back well its time to do that to get yourself back. Take the rest of the payment for the ring and go take a trip somewhere, or buy yourself something and enjoy it. What else do you enjoy? What are your passions in life for you? Sports, travel, art, etc.? Now's the perfect opportunity to immerse yourself in them, or discover something new, perhaps something you've always wanted to do but never thought you could or had motivation to do so. As well, focus on the relationships with your friends and family.

 

You'll be fine bro, hang in there...

[PraPaDiT]

I want to thank you all for the reads & relpies!

 

we did discuss marriage before & although we both decided now is not the time, it was something we both looked forward to.

 

she asked me when we broke up if this was a "trial/temp break". i told her i didnt know & would have to see how things went & that decision would have to be for the both of us to make. i asked her when we split if she could ever see us together again. she said if she could ever see herself with someone, it would be me. i dont believe that now, but i did at the time.

 

i know she will never find someone to treat her like i did. I KNOW this.

as much as she tries to hide it & show she doesnt care i know she still does. or maybe she's still angry.

 

she wrote this on a mutual friend's (who is also no longer talking to me since i sent missing for the day) page jst 2days ago..."i got a riddle for you, "i went missing for a whole day and you tried calling me every fifteen minutes till 6am, and i didn't even bother calling you back till 2 days later without any explanation" what am i???"" with a comment like that, i dont know if she's still hurt/angry/both...?

 

not only have i lost my girl, ive also lost some close friends. ive tried calling them several times, but they all seem to ignoring me. kind of childish i think, but i thought id be the bigger person & apologize for making them worry about me for disappearing for so long. i really would like to keep the friendships with those people.

 

I know in the end i will be ok. im going out, having fun, working out, working more & making really good money. but she is in ALWAYS on my mind....i have my good days & i have my bad.

 

but the truth of the matter is, i still love her & am still very much IN love with her. i can only hope for the best & expect the worst.

[friscodj]

Hey P-

 

Yeah, this is going to be tough no matter what anyone says or does. I'm sorry...this is going to hurt...a lot...

 

A mistake I have made before was mistaking the immense pain, grief, and suffering with, "Well, if I hurt this much, we must be meant for each other." That is simply not true. I've also visited the depths of emotional hell due to endings of relationships with women I look back on now and know we were not right for each other.

 

The other feeling I get from reading your latest post is that perhaps you are better off without these people in your life. This distance they have made from you might very well turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. "Childish" is right...

 

But if you really do want to be friends with them, give this time and distance and things will shake out. Right now, focus on what sounds to be a pretty sweet life of your own outside of all of this and let time do its thing. Keep the suffering and love to yourself. You'll have some ups and downs with this, but the trend will be that this gets easier. Also realize you are fine now and you will be fine later as well.

[redding500]

It's great to hear you have so much going on in your own life to act as a salve for your heartache, keep your focus on that, as it will help you stay "grounded." As for these "friends", well let's just say that water seeks it's own level. They might be part of the negative energy you're leaving behind; sure sounds like it.