Is he too sensitive, or am I mistreating him?

[IThinkImStable]

HI - new here. I have been with my fiance for 2.5 yrs now and got engaged last summer. In general, we're very happy. However, the arguments seem endless sometimes and I don't know how to prevent or relieve them. They predominently start with him being upset at me for various reasons. I think the trigger is generally because I am very easy-going and he is very emotional and sensitive.

 

If he proposes a plan/idea that he feels strongly about, and I have a question about it (because I don't understand), he gets upset and feels that I am not supportive. If I'm even slightly late , he feels I am inconsiderate of him. If I plan a trip and things don't go exactly as follows, he's gets upset and feels like it's not important to me to plan better. If I disagree with him, it's really bad news for me. I'm often absent-minded and loose things. He feels that I loose things because I don't care enough about it, or care that it matters to him.

 

I try to be reasonable. I respect his feelings and stay far away from saying "you're overeacting!". But when I try to give explainations for my behavior, he doesn't accept it. I often feel like I can't have an opinion that conflicts with his without him getting upset. I try to be more punctual, and to recognize what will set him off. It's better at times, but I still often find myself shocked at him being upset at me, yet AGAIN. On top of it all, he has a bad temper (yelling, no other violence), and often blames it on me. He claims that he would not yell, if I didn't make him mad. I recognize that it's not healthy, but am not sure how to manage these arguments. Please help.

[Lady Bugg]

So..simply put, you're dating a man who has you walking on pins and needles

99.9% of the time. Sounds like the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy". So.....exactly what GOOD things come from this relationship?

[Roasted Carrots]

I agree with Lady Bugg. Relationships are all about give-and-take, compromises, etc etc. But it sounds to me that he's taking more than he's giving. It's perfectly natural for someone to have "ticks", or things that simply drive them crazy - and it's natural for those who love them to try to avoid those ticks. But, in my humble opinion, this guy's ticks are too numerous, too focused on you, and he's over-reacting to most of his ticks....ESPECIALLY since he should be realizing that you are sacrificing and tip-toeing on eggshells to avoid setting him off.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life living AROUND what sets this guy off? Wouldn't your rather live WITH him? Please work this out before you marry this person...

[now_better]

he sounds like a control freak

[shikashika]

sounds very insecure... what is it about him that you like?

[IThinkImStable]

It's difficult for me to present this without it looking like I'm a victim, and he's a complete crazy. It is give and take, and we do compromise. I do see him trying (and succeeding) a lot, which is important to me. He gives me the same credit. And above all, we both want it to work and are willing to try what it takes. I'm just trying to get some insight on perhaps another approach to deal with his sensitivities in general, or how to improve the communication. Nothing really bothers me, so it's hard for me to gauge why anyone would be upset at anything...especially 'lil ol me.

[Batya33]

I think you two are perfect candidates for couples counseling - and I am not saying either of you is right or wrong - or that either of you should "admit" to being wrong - but it is a communication issue that an objective and skilled outsider might be able to help you work through.

 

One question though - who is dragging his/her feet about setting a wedding date? Is it possible you are and instead of bringing up that issue he brings up these countless "non-issues" which all call into question whether you care enough about him?

 

Hope it was ok to speculate.

 

Good luck.

[caro33]

As usual, Batya makes a good point. This kind of sensitivity can be a person's way of dealing with a larger issue, and until they have some resolution of the underlying issue there's not a lot you can do. It is like treating the symptoms, not the disease.

 

Have there been wedding stressors, or even discussions about the planning?

 

Has he always been like this?