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6years "The breakup" love-hate relationship

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I had been with my partner for almost 6 years and we broke up on Dec 2 2006. We own a house together and since the breakup it has been an absolute nightmare because neither one of us will leave the house. He is coming home everynight ranging from 4am-12pm the next day. He is being so rude to me saying comments like "why don't you get the out of my life", "


I am so confused... he was so in love with me and now he is so distant and has found a new social circle at his work, he got a new hot car imported from Japan in November and has been saying he has lots of girls as friends but i have recently found messages from girls saying "Thanks babe for last night, miss you xxx" i also caught a girl from his work in my apartment which he claims they are just friends but there are office rumors going around about them.


He is always on the phone and going out and he is craving external attention except mine. We were sharing the same bedroom and bed until last night where there is no intimacy. He said he has been with people but he hasn't and says his personal life is none of my business...and that i will never hear if he has or hasn't been with people.


He has a lot of resentment that he holds against me. We were always fighting with each other and he said it was an unhealthy relationship and that i abandoned the relationship because i met my birthmum in the past year and i would spend almost every weekend getting to know them and he hated them. He said it was too late to get councelling? I think he has fallen out of love with me... he said i would make a great friend but a bad girlfriend because i can't hurt him. He has actually changed beyond the point of all recognition, becoming so much meaner.


He is very manipulative and lies to me constantly and says i don't listen to him because i am not doing what he says. He said our communication has broken down and he can only offer me friendship because now he doesn't want a relationship.


We are trying to sort out the property together and he is on a power trip with his ego trying to say that he deserves more because he brings in more money... can someone help me in handling this situation? I tell him off when he is disrespecting me... and also he has taken up bad habits again like smoking and blames that on me too. He can't look at me... doesn't smile at me... can't stand being around me. WHY?

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I can't move out because we have to legally write a letter otherwise there will be different entitlements.


I think he is angry at me for not being there for him for the past year and he had tried and tried and tried but my focus was on meeting my unknown brothers and mum and getting to know them and because he didn't want anything to do with them i would go on my own and he would make me feel bad for going down there.


I threatened to leave home all the time but never would i just wanted him to see that he couldn't control my life. Then he said enough "finished" so he blames me and i blame him. I don't know... everyone on his family and my family are so hurt and devastated as we were going to get married this year.

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I am turning 25 years old in March and he is turning 31 next Tuesday.


He loves the attention hes getting out there... he bags me and all my friends for going out and how they are skanks but its ok for him to act like this?


He said the whole relationship has been ... he has always been there for me blah blah blah and that he finally grew balls to get out of the relationship. I mean has this guy got any respect for me? He calls me a room mate he won't tell any of his mates that he is sharing the same bed as me because they find that strange that he can stay with me without sleeping with me...


He has been speaking to strangers about our relationship and girls are calling me a ... because i call him names when i am angry such as " idiot", "are u gay" etc... this was wrong of me but he is calling me names too.

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i don't know maybe because i was the centre of attention all the time and my birthmum would call all the time and we got along and he felt that i replaced him with her which was totally wrong... He often refers to me as the "Superstar" of the house "Rockstar".


Maybe also because he didn't like them for their "background" like their class in society as being "rough" and i was apartently starting to sound like them.


But really is this a good enough reason to treat someone you loved? or that you should have some level of respect for?


He said we can not be together because he would not allow any feelings for me. He wants me to change for me and if we cross paths in the future we do if we don't we don't. He doesn't want me to hold onto "Hope". Then one day he says we will never be together because you just don't listen and can't communicate.


We live together:

- He doesn't call anymore unless he needs something

- He doesn't send me any emails

- He doesn't enjoy being at home with me


On the other hand, he doesn't show much respect:


When i am getting ready to go out he is like jelous of me:

- Where are you going

- Did u have a good time

- What time did u get home

- Who did you go with

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He doesn't believe i deserve a 2nd chance... because i have hurt him enough.


i said u lied saying we could start over, he said no... not anymore... I have been throught too much . Then i got angry and i said why don't u continue to throw away the 6 years and start something fresh and lead another person on for another 6 years. i mean u r 30 and u rn't into having a relationship... he said nope I don’t want one.


then he said, u will never find someone like me. i have raised ur standards too high for u to met another guy that will put up with your . i said.... actually, you dropped them so low anybody with an ounce of respect will get my attention.


I said to him, what i am only good as a friend not a girlfriend? He said, someone else can have those problems good luck to them.


Why is he trying to hurt me... when he knows i love him?


Why say to everyone that he could stay in this relationship for another 5 years but will be unhappy because he may be happy for the three weeks of great times, passionate love before our next fight comes and he is not interested in that.


He said the reason he fell in love with me is the reason why he can't be there with me.

"I'm always out saving the world and other people's problems - and he said that they consumed me when i was on holidays with him or at home with him that i was never there for him and i should have been focusing on my own relationship"

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I wish I had some clever response to tell you. These times are tough. You are hurting, and you are being abused, quite blatantly. Asking things like "are you gay" implies that you are rarely ahem "serviced." It seems like you fight similarly and quite intense with all the name calling, but you are blaming him and he is blaming you and you two are going in circles. I don't know Austrailan law, but American law would concider the two of you a "common law" marriage. Yes you had a wedding planned, but you still played the roles of husband and wife. You have the house together. I'm hoping you can somehow split the finances. If he is leveraging himself with a new car and all these extra-curricular activities, then he is probably putting a drain on your joint assets more than he thinks. I would discuss with an attourney or legal advisor. I have know idea how your laws work. But if the two of you own the house jointly if you were to sell in the US you would have to pay taxes on 50% of the proceeds of the sell individually since you are not married you would file taxes individually. This would be one way to argue the house. Have you lived in the house all 6 years? Use time as your guide, how did you sacrifice to accumulate the funds for the down payment. I can understand your anger, You two are locked in a sort of emotional gridlock. He is abusing you and you play catch and release. His hounding you and wondering where you are and his blaming you "that I was never there for him and i should have been focusing on my own relationship." WEll you know what you were focusing on your own relationship. That is your first one, the first human that you had contact with that nourished you with everything that you needed to survive was your mum. This may be difficult to see, but you don't NEED him. I would work with an attourney as soon as possible. Are you sleeping in the same bed because that is the only one in the house?


This could be vindictive, but it would get the point accross. When he is out on one of those all nighters with God knows who. This is where you make your move. Take ALL of his things from the bedroom and put them by the front door. You can even pack them up in boxes. Put a keyed lock on the bedroom door. Lock it when you are inside and Lock it when you come out.


Sleeping in the same bed with him I think is a really bad idea. It is as if you are taunting him to reconnect with that passion that the two of you have had in the past. I imagine it was great, it had to be to make up for all this. He may have gotten cold feet with the wedding coming up.


I don't think he is that into you. You need to come up with a legal agreement for the house. Mediation might be a way for him to buy you out of your share which is 50% of the current value minus 50% of the current outstanding loan principle.


I feel you should walk away, if he cheats on you now this blatantly he will do it again, but after he has a ring on his and your fingers. You deserve so much better, and only when you can get out will you see what you put yourself through by not getting out earlier.


i don't know where you are at. I don't know if you want to stay with him or if you want the relationship to work out. He has betrayed your trust with infidelity. He insults you over and over again, to the extent that you have the themes memorized and have your own self doubts because of them. This is part of his manipulative control.


Another way to push his buttons is to walk around the house completely naked all the time. If he has another girl over just take your clothes off, I guarantee she will leave. He has seen you naked before. In the sort of naked comfortableness of it all you are free to do what you want in your house. If he wants to walk around naked you aren't stopping him. What is he going to do, call the police with you in your house. You have a right to it. This is totally passive aggressive, I think the lock idea is much better. But man oh man. Can you imagine that kind of torture to him. Flaunting your goodies 24/7. This would take massive amounts of courage and I would definitely not go this route if he were physically abusive.


You could get boxes and pack up his stuff when he is away from the house. He will probably unpack them in a state of rage. But what do you care you are locked inside your room. (Hopefully it has a master bedroom). I think you need to look at the house as a business agreement. If he flys off the handle, call the police and get a record of his abuse. If you are in fear then it is better to leave than be physically hurt.


Embrace your newfoud family. This guy and turmoil isn't worth it.


You can get better than him. You can if you discover who you are without any ties and emotional fusion with other people. You have to discover yourself before you can share it with anyone else. You feel resentful about the way he controls you. He does it by blaming. He knows how to push your buttons and I'm sure you know how to push his as well. Push him, but in a different kind of way. You both fight viciously with words. I would be crushed if a loved one said something half as intense as your themes seem to be. I say try a different method. Look in to seeing a counselor for yourself to help you get through and make healthy decisions for yourself. He is endangering your life if he is sleeping around. He sounds very cocky and arrogant. Flashy car, sex starved fiance/girlfriend/roomate/cohomeowner fancy friends, and very condecending treatment of others. You deserve to be happy. These kinds of fights add up, what is he contributing to the relationship that is honest truthful and a true expression of himself. Can he actually appologize and become aware of how badly he is hurting you. Can you do the same for him. That is the spark or "connection" that you are looking for. You want to share yourself, if he were to share himself by saying you know what I'm an arrogant * * * * *, I'm meaner than mean to you, Your actions make me feel vulnerable, because I don't want to treat you the way I treat the rest of the world. If you can't imagine him saying that, then you can decide what the next step should be.


Like I said, I wish I could say something clever, but this is very difficult as your lives are so intertwined, but yet so distant. I'd chalk this relationship up to "growing into different directions." You deserve time to reflect on who you are and discover what will make you a happy, honest, and loved person in the end.


My heart goes out to you.



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We do go round and round in circles... some would say that you fight for the love of each other.


We had been sharing the same bed until two nights ago... he sees it like nothing is wrong with sharing the same bed and he stopped telling people we were because they would say how could you not end up sleeping with her... that offended him and me so i slept on the couch two nights ago and he slept on the couch last night.


I don't want to touch any of his things as i want him to buy me out because we can't sell the property because we will lose... He said he can't see himself spending the rest of his life with who i am today!


We went out for dinner last night and he said that he promises me that these girls are just friends and that he has done nothing with them he is only saying it to people so they think he has moved on so they stop feeling sorry for him... he said he has met plenty of girls but they are after relationships with him but he doesn't want that he wants "party girls".


He says he says things out of retaliation... it has all been with retailiation. He has assured me that no girl would come over in the house... so i trust that now i think he learnt that.


I do love him and know i need to move on... but i want to know that its 100% what he wants... is he trying to hold me back from moving on?

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I think he is, if he want's "party girls" he wants a quick fix that somehow he believes you cannot provide for him. If he has brought just one girl over to the place, I'd say he is lying about having sex with them. I mean... why bring them over to the house with just you and her. You might hire a PI to find out what is really going on. I really believe he is trailing you along and keeping you from moving on.




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He said she was just a friend and that she needed to borrow his car and i happened to walk in the door to see her on the couch and he just finished having a shower and was waking around without a top on.


He said at the beginning of our breakup i could always be with him if i wanted casually... but i don't want to be his 1 in a million "party girls" i'm not degrading myself and he knows what i think of it and then he said because it will also be too hard on me to move on. I think a PI is a good idea but its over now so why do i need one... what would it accomplish now if we are over?


last night i had the house to myself... he called me for the 1st time to let me know he was going to his parents place for dinner. Then he asked me how i was and my day was... blah blah i asked the same thing then i ended the conversation by saying i had to go and say hi to the family for me.


He comes home and i was a bit grumpy because i was hot and bothered and it was midnight. He said to me his family said to say hi. Then we were generally talking about how his mate at work doesn't want to marry his fiance because he will always think about what is out there. Then he asked about whether i had any thoughts on his offer and then tried to say this is why we can't be together because you don't listen... i wasn't very happy and i snapped back saying "i said i don't want to talk about what was" i get we have broken up and i tell u time and time again not to bring it up because i get it and i am trying to move on in my life.


He found out i threw up because i have had a chest infection and i can't breathe and what i ate wasn't sitting and he said that is because u don't love yourself... you don't respect yourself... then he said its not going to be easy for you to change overnight it takes time... i was getting angry in my head and i ended up coughing and sleeping on the couch and then he yelled out if i wanted cough mixture and wanted to go to bed... i said no i am fine i am meditating myself to sleep.

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He really does know how to push your buttons. What kind of split agreement is he offering on the house or is he taking more just because he makes more. How much more does he make like is your income 45% and his 55% or some other combination. It would seem healthy just to get out. But you have to do what is best for you.




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Of course he knows what buttons to push of mine... u would hope after 6 years of knowing each other and 5 and 1/2 years of living together that we would know each other?


Nah we were speaking amicable figures but it needs to be in writting from him.


I personally believe it has gone this far now that he can't look back... because of his ego... everyone knows he is single, loves attention, sexc car, etc... now how would he look if he came back to me?


I know i need to get out and it will be getting sorted next mon

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His abuse of you is unacceptable. I will say however, that he is clearly hurting and despite the bravado, is gutted that the relationship has ended. That is why he is acting like a crazed and reckless person. You spent a lot of time with your birth family and that is understandable. But please think back in the last year and think about if you did put your relationship a bit too much on the back burner. Is there some truth to this or is he being overly possessive of your time? You need to do some self-reflection and figure out your role in this. His anger and resentment is very very intense so take a moment to think about his view of the reality of what happened in the relationship. The fact that you two were still sleeping in the same bed shows that you both are still very connected, even if there was nothing going on. You both need to get time away from each other and let tempers cool. Maybe over time, as cooler heads prevail, you can cease the hostilities and either reconcile or at least not have such bitterness towards each other.

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Abuse from both parties is unacceptable yes. he is hurt but is there the need to act like this and disrespect another because i am hurting too?


I didn't think i was putting the relationship on the backburner but looking at it now maybe i did i wasn't there on the weekends for around 6months straight so i don't know... my heart says yes but my head says no because i needed to do this for me...


I thought it was a good thing to spend time apart because it allowed us to appreciate each other and miss each other because i missed him like crazy and couldn't wait to see him but had my distractions that when i came home he would fight with me which made me feel that he never missed me and i avoided coming home because of the fighting... but I was resentful but i thought if i tell him this stage will pass, wrong... it got worse because he pretended he was ok and happy.


He doesn't believe i am sorry... he doesn't believe i wanted him or to be in the relationship with him. I saw him grow his independence and i was so proud of him because he was going out with new friends from his work, cleaning the house, washing etc... it made me feel special but also to see that in our future he would be such a supportive husband and father and now to only find out he was doing it so i could spend more time with him at home. This hurts because i never looked at it like that i was so oblivious to everything i feel like an idiot for not seeing the signals and warnings i was so infactuated in what i was doing instead of who i was being.


I did put him last... yes. I am responsible for that!


If we love each other can't we grow that together again and just do it with no expectations and just be with each other and give it that one more chance? I would... even if i was angry


he flew to sydney to get his car with these mates and came back and we went to the u2 concert together and my car window got smashed that day so i was a bit anxious and avoided leaving my car there but he looked at it like i was staying there because that was where i wanted to be.


I am so disappointed that he misunderstood me... but angry at myself that i misunderstood him.


So do i share the same bed or not to avoid losing that connection or do i just pull away 100% and sleep on the couch?


He does not want to reconcile because that would give me hope to hold onto he see's it like i am not the one. That hurts... i was the one up until today and now what am i?

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I would say that you remain in the bed. If you go and sleep on the couch, that will just add fuel to the fire. If he really doesn't want you anymore, let him decide to sleep on the couch. There is not much you can do about the situation now if he refuses to listen. He is too wrapped up in his own pain to listen to reason. Only time and distance will heal the wounds.

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Last night the weather was beautiful... I got home around 7.30pm and finished reading my book and then listened to some music to relax and unwind because the thoughts that were crossing my mind was where is my x and why isn't he home yet? he hasn't called?


He usually is here by 8pm... so i had to drop these expectations... at 9.15pm as i started praying for myself to get through this and give me some hope to move on i received a call from the x..


He said "have u eaten?" I said not really a few snacks here and there and he could hear this relaxing music in the background and he asked "what are u listening too"... i said i am very relaxed... he said i just finished at the gym with my mates... i was like "thats great"... then he came past and we went to the same restaurant as we did the other night and he bought up the property again...


I was thinking... oh my god... enough already wait til Monday... i said "its ok i will be moving out or whatever... it will need to run its course and i need to get out of here too as i really need to be away from you" ... that surprised him and i told him that i passed my exam... i had a great day at work... trying to work out whether to go overseas or finish my studies here because they both fall during the same time... then i was speaking about how im almost over him as its been a month and a half and i need to move on... he was a bit shocked i said that... and then he said i just find myself demotivated in everything especially work i asked why? he said because my whole world has fallen down on me?


Anyway he showed me signs he had fatigue so i said lets go home... but 1st i would like to get some smokes from the shops. We walked about 400m and people were being friendly to me like i was attractive and my x saw a guy driving past staring at me and he made the comment "could you put your head any further out of the window?" "he was looking at you" i was like "mmmm?" "so what?"


Then as we were driving home he said do u want to go for a walk along the path where the beach is.... i said "why not" i feel like an ice cream... plus its a nice night... then i made him stop past home so i could put some runners on because i was in my heels and i had a few guys screaming into my x's car for my attention and i was embarrassed and he drove that car of his so quick that he had person that wanted to race him... and ego... "yeah" he said... then he was nervous and i think he lost...


Then we walked on the path he was letting me go ahead of him so he could see the guys how they would respond to me... and then i got my ice creme we sat down on the bench and then he said he needed to go to the bathroom and wanted to go home... then we went for a scenic drive home...


As we got home we played some music in the house i was lying down on the deck outside looking at the stars and he came out and we didn't say much really then he had a shower... i went through his phone and the numbers and messages in his phone weren't there anymore??? The only thing i forgot is the video and images... damn.


Then it was 2am and i had to work the next day so i said i am turning the music off because i need to get some sleep... he said "ok" then i ended up laying down on the couch to rest and he comes out again saying...


"why don't u sleep on the bed? You will get a sore neck sleeping there... i said "i need to get used to you not being next to me"... he said "its upto you".... i stuck to my guns and i could hear him tossing and turning for a good 15mins and then he fell asleep in the middle of the bed.


I am feeling mixed signals? Time and distance... is that to get over me or heal and reconcile?

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i said "its ok i will be moving out or whatever... it will need to run its course and i need to get out of here too as i really need to be away from you" ... that surprised him and i told him that i passed my exam... i had a great day at work... trying to work out whether to go overseas or finish my studies here because they both fall during the same time... then i was speaking about how im almost over him as its been a month and a half and i need to move on... he was a bit shocked i said that... and then he said i just find myself demotivated in everything especially work i asked why? he said because my whole world has fallen down on me?


I guess I am not sure why you would make it a point of telling him this since clearly that is not the case. Also, you made a point of sleeping on the couch. If you are so over him, why are you concerned about his mixed messages? To me it looks like you are playing games to get him to think you are over him so that he can get insecure and come back to you. Those games rarely work out in the long run. You guys had a wonderful night out in each other's company, a perfect opportunity to just enjoy togetherness, yet by saying all of these things, you are helping in putting the final nails into the coffin of this relationship.

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You are right... i'm trying to be strong and i feel if i can say this it makes me stronger. I feel like it is so easy for him... and i want it to be easy for me.


We did enjoy togetherness... it was fun i haven't had a night like this in over 5 years that is what hurts me so much to experience this just as friends when there is so much love inside of me to give to him. What am i supposed to do steal all of his time... i can't do that or force that on him it needs to be from him... i am leaving this in his hands to call me... it kills me because everyone at his work knows its over and its like he has convinced himself of this thought as well but how come he can't function. How can i be near someone that says he doesn't want me near him..I can't touch him NOTHING! I can only talk and listen and neither one of these are my strengths.... he has made it clear he wants to see other people... i must admit the last two nights i have not heard his phone go off once though... and neither has my phone.


I'm trying to just "be"... and be calm and relaxed but at the same time i am trying to protect myself from anymore hurt.


There will be a point where i need to move out because clearly he brings this up everyday and reitterates that our relationship is over but we can just be friends.


I can't hold onto hope... what if i get hurt more long-term. If i tell him i miss him and just want to be with him i will push him further away that what he already is. He has already said that i shouldn't even be thinking about reconsiliation but why this is the way it is now.


I'm concerned about the mixed messages because I want him to reconnect with me but then not say "we make such good mates" instead of "partners"...


I don't know what to believe... he rejected going out to dinner with his gym mates to ask me out for dinner... i should be honoured that he decided this on his own.


What can i do? I don't know what to do? Am i just supposed to be there at his beck and call as a mate... so he is exposed to the best of both worlds... he wants "party girls" but sees me as a friend now?

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Remember that you told him you are over him, you slept on the couch, you said you want to move out....of course, you didn't really mean any of it and are still in love with him....SO, if you are behaving the opposite of how you really feel, it isn't much of a stretch to figure out that he too is acting the opposite of how he really feels....in other words, in both your cases, pride is getting in the way of sound judgement....game playing is getting in the way of productive reconciliation. Somebody has to end these games because it is destroying both of you. You both really need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk...no egos, no misplaced pride, no hostility, no lies...just two people who really don't want the relationship to end. I can't stress enough how one of you needs to be the bigger person and get this ball rolling or else it will totally destroy both of you.

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Thank you... pride is getting in the way... and games are wrong. He is so hurt that i can't have the heart to heart talk with him... i think he wants it over in his head but his heart is stopping him. I am scared that his head will overtake his heart.


How can i get the ball rolling... on getting out of the property and making him pay me out. I said last night the money is nothing the love was worth more than any of this.


He said we can't move on whilst we are both living together.

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He is trying to CONTROL you. Your relationship all along was about HIM and YOU NEEDING him. Now that you found your birthmum you don't NEED him anymore, or so he thinks. He can't share the spotlight or your attention and affection. He NEEDS to control you and now that he can't, he hates you for that. Please know that he has been this person all along, you are only just now seeing it because finding your birthmum was a triger to his demise.

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Our relationship was formed on control. He needed me and i needed him. Finding my birthmum was something i needed to do in my life for me so i was complete... it was not to sacrifice my relationship with my family and my partner. He knows i need him... he knows im hurting and i love him and i know he is hurting...


He is resentful because he believes he couldn't take it anymore and couldn't see how i could continue a life helping everyone else around me and not be present to the relationship.


I don't want to lose him out of my life... he is so special to me and i love him so much or i wouldn't have been with him this long... i have grown to love this person more and more everyday... now how can i throw this away seriously... i don't care about the years i care about the person i have grown to love day by day. I have grown with him since i was 19 years old and he has grown with me.


I love him so much and i wish i showed him how much i loved him but i failed because he felt neglected. I wish he could see with me that we can build all our dream and make them come true but he doesn't see that and doesn't want to. I wish he could just forgive me for my failing but he can't, not now anyway.


I miss him in so many ways that i forgot the reason why i loved him when i was with him... i miss his smile so much and the love he showed for me. His touch was so gentle and warm and the energy between us was unbelievable from the moment i laid my eyes on him. He gave me his heart and look what i did to it he opened up to me with kindness. I can't be who i want to be without him in my life. I miss spending every single second of breath without him and my dreams coming true can't without him being in my life.


I don't understand God's ways... this has been the biggest lesson in my life and i pray for that one more chance everynight and if i don't get that chance i can do this for the next person to enter in my life.

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Why should he question what he means to me when the question in doubt to him is what i mean to him?


I had a really crap night last night... he came home around 10pm said again he was at the gym with the people he works with...and he was hungry and sore... i made some dinner then the phone started from 11.30-1am... no joke... and who were they:

1) His cousin who is a DJ

2) His work friends whom he just saw at the gym


The people do not annoy me it is the principle... after Rob was speaking with his cousin he asked me if i wanted to go with him to a club called "chaisers" where his cousin was working and when speaking to people i am now known as "his X"... (god that word killed me last night!)


Then not even 1/2 an hour later he gets on the phone to his work friends and invites them to go with him and cancels me out of the equation and said he is going to the gym with them after work, then he is going to go to another guys house and get changed to go out... so home alone again...


Then i tried something different... 1am - after his work mates got off the phone i was just cleaning and he was lying stretching on the floor... and i was laughing at him because he was doing exercises on tiles... ouch!


Anyway i went outside and showed him how to stretch his muscles because he was tense and then i offered him a massage after to relax his muscles...


well from the stretching somehow it lead to him teaching me his karate stuff on attack and defence...it was fun he said "Stop looking at me with those Dreamy eyes and focus on hitting me"... he was calling me lazy and would sweep me because of my legs not being in position and then he smacked my * * * and said i still need to lose a bit more weight... then after all of that i was getting really tired as it was 3am and i was still giving him a massage...


Does anyone have any feedback on if i did the right thing or am i leading myself to disappointment? Then i ended sleeping in the same bed as him again with no contact... i just passed out!

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