Advice wanted about meeting up with an ex.

[rosie76]

I was wondering if anyone has ever met up with their ex years on and whether than was helpful or hurtful. I am trying to work out if I should see mine now and am interested in anyone else's experiences of this. Details of my situation are below - sorry it's a bit long.

 

My ex was a friend before we started going out and one of my favourite people. We went out for almost two years (a year and 9 months separated by a year) and it was always tumultuous - lots of personal problems on his side leading to repeated break ups and increasing lack of confidence and self-respect on mine. He was never a bad guy, and he cared deeply for me, but he never loved me enough to be sure he wanted to be with me and neither of us admitted that early enough to stop all the pain. It's taken the better part of two years for me to get back to a place where I'm feeling ok about myself again, but I still feel shaky when it comes to thinking about men and sex and relationships in healthy ways.

 

This ex is the one I have loved - as a person in addition to as a partner - more than anyone else in the world and I always wanted to stay friends with him, but I realized I couldn't until my feelings for him were actually only friendly so I stopped trying to work that out a few years ago. At the time we couldn't just have a laugh, we couldn't help each other, and I couldn't face hearing about his getting on with a new life and a new woman. We've exchanged a few emails over the years, most recently a month or so ago when I mentioned I'd not been in touch only because I'd not been happy enough in myself to be friends with him and he said he hoped I would be sometime.

 

So now I'll be down within five minutes of his place (we live in different cities now) next week for work and I'm thinking about asking if he'd like to meet up for a few pints. I do feel I'm coming out of the depressive fog the last several months and I've not been focused on him specifically for well over a year. I'd like to have him, if not in my life, at least on friendly terms. I've lost contact with a whole group of close friends by not going to places he'll be at the last few years and I'd like to know if I'm over it enough to start seeing these people again. I also think, if I _am_ over it, that it would be a good way of reinforcing to myself that I'm stronger now to see him. I have been wavering a bit in feeling well the past month while getting back into boy/girl relations and feel banishing the boogeyman of my emotional past by having a confident and reasonable meeting with this guy might help.

 

But, on the downside, what if I see him and all the truly horrible feelings of the past come rushing back to me? Ideally, I'd like to be happy with someone else and I'm not sure how I'll handle seeing the person who was all I wanted and possibly learning he's engaged or married while I'm still not sure I'll ever meet someone to love again. (Know statistically there should be another one, but sometimes it's hard to believe, especially as I get older and still have residual confidence issues plaguing me when I'm around the few guys I find appealing.)

 

Am undecided whether the benefits here outweigh the risks - if you've read this far, thanks, and what do you reckon?

[Dako]

If you want to meet him, do it.

Only meeting him will answer this, and you're armed with experience about him. You appear mature enough to handle whatever happens.

He's on your mind, and as you age you'll regret what you didn't do more than what you did.

 

I wish you luck.

[hjc]

I'd agree with Dako. Not doing it will leave you with all kinds of regrets and you won't be able to stop wondering "what if"...

 

so I'd give it a go and see what happens.

 

But you need to prepare yourself mentally for all kinds of potential outcomes.

 

Good luck!