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im relatively new to the forum, but i think i've paid my dues in spending two solid nights reading every thread i could under the "getting back together" heading.


the pertinent facts: had a girlfriend of 4 years, she was perfect for me in that she was down to earth, beautiful, shared my morals and values, shared my dreams of the future, and was completely fallen for me. i was perfect for her for all the same reasons, but timing was a big problem for us. i was hesitant at first to be so comitted, and when i took that step it was only days after she became fearful that i would never go that far. years later we both made mistakes, broke up and got back together a half dozen times, and this time it's for real.


she initiated it, saying things like "i need time and space" and "im not telling you that we can't be together again, just not right now" and my personal favorite "i need this time alone right now, and then i will come back, and i don't think it will be that long"


nothing really new to the forum, i know. i did the usual flailing at first, and wore my heart on my sleeve for two weeks while i took a beating to the chest. i moved out and am doing my own thing now, focusing on work, hobbies, fitness. all the things i've let slide in the last few months. looking back i still love her, the person she was anyway. she sort of turned herself into something else, i don't know if it was to turn me away or if this is the person shes really growing into... that would be pretty derpessing in itself.


im still holding out hope for a happy ending, but every day i get a little more comfortable with the idea of a happy ending with or without her. i feel thats definitely the place i need to be, and the whole NC deal has helped me get to that point. here's the unique part of the situation: we have a dog together. on paper it's her dog, but up until the split and my move several weeks ago we've shared all obligations including care and pay for the pet, and i am just as emotionally invested in the pup as i was in my ex.


NC is wreaking havoc on my relationship with the dog. im really not sure about a good way to handle it... the best i can come up with is give NC another few weeks and then contact in order to get some time to spend with my little buddy. i've only been doing NC for 1 week now, so its definitely not long enough for me and my ex to have made the progess we would have needed to to see eachother and be on "good" terms just yet. any ideas?

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I'm sorry to hear about this situation, you said that you read most of the posts in this forum, but I'm not sure how far you got in mine as it is quite lengthy. Aside from the dog, I'm in the same situation that you were likely in the first time that you broke up. 4 years, and "I need time and space", although I also got the "I'm confused" and "I've had thoughts about another guy".


I know the way you're feeling with NC, because I was in it for about a week and a half. I would try to hold out as long as you can, and make sure that the dog is the real reason you want to see the dog. I'm not doubting your connection with the pet, I have a dog myself and I understand how close you can feel, but make sure that is the only reason you want to break NC. It isn't worth going in secret hopes that a miracle will happen, because unfortunately, in all likelyhood it won't.


I've been two months since the breakup and I know how hard it is to give up hope, I'm still unable to do that, so I'm not going to tell you to do that. Just don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. I ended up breaking NC because I coincidentally saw her at the mall and we got talking. After two weeks of me getting my hopes up and overanalyzing all of her words and actions, the only thing I got out of it was knowing that she has no feelings for me anymore, and I'm in the same position that I was when she first left me.


It's difficult to explain how I'm trying to think of things now, because I'm still hopeful, but I'm trying not to be. I'm repeatedly telling myself that if things are ever going to work out that I have to be completely over the old relationship, I have to be able to talk to her again without feeling the urge to hold her, I have to be able to have a normal conversation without having things she says slap me in the face and remind me of how much pain I'm in.


You have to think of getting back together as starting a new relationship, not continuing the old one again because otherwise I don't think its possible for it to really work out in the long run. I guess what I'm trying to say is just make sure that whatever you end up doing, that you're really careful about it. It's easy to end up hurt more when you're the dumpee. Good luck, and keep us posted on how things are going!


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Hey there,


Considering your history together and the fact that you two have joint custody of your dog, how about going the LC route -- limiting your conversations to matters relating to your dog??


In any event, it sounds like you're doing everything right for now -- esp. your comment about "getting more comfortable w/ the idea of a happy ending w/ or w/o her" is a very significant realization, wouldn't you say?!


Good luck and I hope you get things soon resolved re: your pet!


Hang in there~

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sounds like a lot like my situation. problem is, i couldn't do the NC thing. not yet anyways/not even sure it would work for me in my situation.

Sounds like you're doing a lot better than I am though, just keep doing what you're doing and things will work out in the end. Whether she's a part of your life or not, only time will tell.

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Sunshine3: No, it doesn't count as NC because you guys contacted each other via text message. NC is great for all situations (if its possible) because it helps you to heal and get over the breakup and start getting YOU back again. When you are getting constant (or occasional) attention/contact from your ex, there is no way for you to heal because you will still be clinging to the hope that they will want you back simply because they are still talking to you. But many times this is simply not the case, the ex just wants the attention and the security of knowing that you are there for them whenever they want until they are healed and find someone else. Then you will be yesterday's news.


NC gives your heart the chance to heal and move on from the breakup and as a potential side effect, NC also allows the ex to experience what life is like without you in it. This may lead them to realize any feelings they have and/or a desire to be with you again. But this should not be your main focus of NC at all. If you want to stop the pain and heartache of a breakup, NC is for you! If you want to regain your sense of self back and stop thinking about them constantly, NC is for you! If you want to heal and get on with your life and be happy again, NC is for you! Thats how you know if NC is right for your situation.


There are a few exceptions though, like if the two people share children, then complete NC would be virtually impossible. If you two work together in the same vicinity it is also hard to maintain complete NC. But in those situations, NC is still possible if the conversations and contact are used ONLY when necessary for professional reasons or the children's affairs. That is, only talk to each other when you need to discuss something important pertaining to the children or something at work. Otherwise NC for the rest of the time! Good luck!

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