Books about relationships

[LilyXX]

Has anyone read

"Biting the apple" by Judith Sills?

I am half way through it right now. It is an amasing book for women.

The main premise is "Needing men less and loving them more".

It is like no other book I read before, it is not about manipulation ot trying to change other people. It focuses entirely on the woman and her reactions.

I would love to disccuss this book if anyone is familiar with it.

[Batya33]

It's funny when I saw the title of your post I was going to recommend Sills - I read her book on "a fine romance" - something like that - about not taking things personally in the stages of a romantic relationship. I loved what she had to say, how she said it and I am biased against self help books so when I like one it's a big deal ;-)

[LilyXX]

I am actually planning to read her other books when I am done with this one.

I am so tired of trying to change other people, it never works anyways.

 

Batya,

You answers my post before, you sound very wise. I am just curious, are you in a relationship with anyone? How old are you? I hope you don't mind me asking.

[Batya33]

No problem - and thanks for the compliment. Who knows what I know, lol - and I have to say, I have stopped thinking that married people are presumably wiser about marriage or relationships, etc. But for what it's worth, I'm 40, been engaged twice, never married, no kids that I know of (I know I know obviously I would know if I had any), and in a serious relationship with someone for almost 1.5 years. He is my age, also never been married and we've known each other for 12 years.

 

It's not perfect - but it's fine (a bit up and down sometimes) and hopefully we will decide in the near future where it is going if anywhere (it is long distance starting today until May but we probably will see each other just about every two weeks - it also was long distance last year from right around now until May and it wasn't too bad).

 

I am sometimes baffled as to how I reached 40 without being married or having kids. On the other hand I look at my many friends who accomplished those goals. Some have very happy marriages and families, some most definitely settled, some are miserable and some are divorced. Luckily where I live there is very little social stigma to being single and 40 - there are oodles of single men and women in my age group - very high quality people - so I am in good company.

 

When I am in a "not baffled" phase I realize that much of it is my choice and some of it is bad luck/timing. I've been proposed to several times and declined and have declined relationships with men who clearly wanted to get engaged to me in the not too distant future. I won't settle - meaning, I won't settle for no passion/chemistry.

 

The great thing - perhaps I am in denial over this - but I truly like and enjoy men - I have had mostly positive experiences with men and I say that even though I've been rejected, "dumped," etc., I have and have had close platonic friendships with men over the years, and I have acted consistently with my values and sense of self-worth (for example, I decided early on that casual sex would not be for me because of my values and emotional attachment reasons and I have never had casual sex despite many opportunities to do so ( I say that not to brag - I think it is very easy for a woman to find a man to have casual sex with!).

 

So, I hope that is a nice looong answer to your very concise question!

[LilyXX]

Thanks for answering.

 

I actually followed your advice earlier in regards to infidelity. I told him about it. It is not easy for him to deal with, but we are now rebuilding our relationship, instead of me ignoring & living with the issues, and him having no idea. This is why I am now reading books about relationships.

 

I am one of those people who ignore problems, pretend everything is wonderfull and then explode one day. (exactly like my dad) I am working on being nore in touch with my feelings and communicating them better.

[Batya33]

Good for you! I found - and have heard - that while books can be very helpful and inspiring - counseling - individual or couples - is really the way to go.

 

ps - another book I like is Out of the Box for Life - I believe the author's name is Berland.

[LilyXX]

Thanks, I will check it out.

 

I have done individual counselling before. I only did it for a very short time, it helped me let go of a bad realtionship that I was living with because I refused to admit that it failed. It only took 10 minutes of therapy for me to realise this.

I am thinking of doing it again now.

[LilyXX]

I just looked up "Out of the box life", sound very interesting. I like books that are deep & spiritual.

[Batya33]

I like books that bring out the spiritual depth in me - which sometimes doesn't work - or has the opposite effect - with books that try too hard to be spiritual. From what I recall this one is straightforward and helpful (I happen to know the author but I am not biased).

 

Sometimes it takes a truly objective outsider to hold up a mirror. The problem I find is of course I tended to go to friends or acquaintances who had their own agenda and even despite their well meaning intentions it wasn't "helpful."

 

My cousin/close friend, who was a psychologist (trained as one but honestly, we noticed that from the age of 7 or so she had this incredible insight) once said about relationships that you should go for what you need as opposed to what you want. Interesting, huh? She had a happy but very brief marriage as right before her wedding she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and died at age 34 2 years ago. So tragic.

[LilyXX]

It is very tragic.

 

I wonder what she ment by "going for what you need as opposed to what you want"

[Batya33]

Well, it's interesting. She didn't say it to me but to her best friend and her best friend read it out loud to us in connection with the death. I think she meant that, for example, let's say you "want" an exciting, bad boy type - he totally turns you on - but deep down you know what you "need" is someone who is going to hold your hand when there is turbulence on a plane, or laugh at the same goofy things you laugh at, etc.

 

I wish I could ask her, of course.