should I stay or should I go?

[sugarmomma]

So I am back to enotalone. I have written several other posts and now I feel I am faced with yet another question I seriously need advice for.

 

Brief background.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and we have faced the gammit of relationship issues.

 

I am his first girlfriend as well as his first lover. He is 28 and I am 29.

Plus he comes from Indian parents whom are insistent he marry an Indian woman in his caste. On top of it last year I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

 

Needless to say the fact that we are still together is a testament to our love. In the beginning I was plagued with insecurities. I was afraid my boyfriend would want other woman and leave me, however I eventually became extremely confident in his love and devotion to me. In fact recently I told him that if he wanted to go and get a lap dance i wouldn't mind at all and he told me that even with permission , he wouldn't want a lap dance because it doesn't even come close to what he has with me and the beauty of when we make love. I tease him all the time about other woman and he insists that he rarely even notices other woman because he is so in love with me. And he has always been hurtfully honest about these things.

 

Then in July he suggested we move in together. I was floored. For him that is a huge commitment. Indian tradition is for the male child to live at home until he is married to a woman his parents choose ( or at the very least approve of) . His family practically disowned him and it caused huge controversy. But he did it. he moved into my place.

 

And for the most part our relationship is great. We had huge communication issues at first but we went to a therapist and now we communicate pretty well. We rarely argue and when we do , they don't last very well. We are extremely different though. And some times it causes conflicts.

 

Either way I seriously can not imagine spending my life with anyone else. My boyfriend is the sweetest, most loving individual I have ever met and we communicate most of the time without even speaking. He takes amazingly good care of me. I adore him.

 

However ( I know get to it already) we have hit a serious problem. From the beginning my boyfriend has maintained that he doesn't want children, where as I am undecided on the issue. I swing back and forth. Lately as all of my friends have babies the issue has become more pressing.

 

So last night I addressed it with my boyfriend and he gave me an honest answer. Basically he told me that he seriously never wants children with anyone, but especially with me. He thinks trying to raise children and take care of me and my MS, would just be too much for him too commit to.

 

Now at first I was terribly hurt. But as I thought about it, I clearly saw his point. Dealing my MS is very difficult for both of us. Some days I am so exhausted I can barely function and on those days , he takes care of me. It would be so seriously selfish to add some children on top of that. It is a good possibility that he may have to spend a majority of the time raising the children alone because I simply can not function. That isn't very fair to him. Or to the children. Honestly I have considered not having children myself because of complications of my MS.

 

But I still can help feeling like there is a chance I could want children and i feel like I am wasting valuable time in a relationship where we will eventually want separate things. During the conversation he also revealed that his parents have been hounding him because they think he isn't happy in the relationship. And he is very negative about relationships in general. He seems to sort of resent them as a loss of one's personal freedom not to care about anything. He also wouldn't directly answer me when I asked him i asked him if he felt trapped in this relationship because I am sick.

 

He also said that he loved me dearly and that I complete him. He said that I am the yin to his yang. He said he would be heartbroken if I left him and that he hates conversations like these conversations because he is afraid that his answers will make me want to break up with him and that would destroy him.

 

Bottom line I love him dearly and can imagine living without him. I also don't believe that you have to be traditional and only be in a relationship which will lead to marriage or children. On top of it I may choose to have children and BAM , problem solved.

 

But part of me can't stop feeling rejected and disappointed. Also I am afraid that at like age 32 I will decide I must have children and then i will have ruin the life we build together and try and scramble to find someone before my time runs out.

 

I do think that if i gave him an ulti matum about having children or breaking up that he would give in , in order to keep me. But I would never do that. I only want to have a child with someone who 100% completely wants to. Maybe finding someone who wants to have children with me would be tough, considering my medical condition. But a lot of my exes says that would never have stopped them from having kids with me.

 

I am afraid that subconsciously I will withdraw from him and allow my new doubts to sabatoge this relationship. I am so confused, please give me advice on whether i should end this relationship or not. May I add we are suppose to buy furniture and a dog together this weekend.

[Scotcha]

I think before you do anything else you need to make up your mind about having children. Like you said, if you changed your mind at 32 that would make things even more difficult. But the fact that you are worried about changing your mind makes me think that perhaps you really do want to have children and are afraid to admit it because of what that will mean for your relationship.

[rocio]

Before breaking up with him, I would think hard about whether or not you are going to want children, realistically. And there are other options. I don’t know what kind of incomes you are living on, but a nanny might be an option. Or perhaps your in-laws would be willing to help out when the children are small. You might also be able to hire a nurse to help you out more, while he focuses on the children. Another idea might be to adopt older children. It would come with its own unique challenges, but once a child is 4 or 5 years old, he has a very small chance of ever being adopted, and may otherwise grow up in foster homes (which, unfortunately, can turn out quite badly for the child). I personally think it would be wonderful to give such a child a better life. And once they are at that age, they require less hands-on care than babies.

 

This guy sounds like a keeper. I wouldn’t leave him before you are more sure of what you need, and have considered other alternatives.

[RayKay]

I know this is none of my business, but I have a couple friends with MS whom were told they should not have children as it can trigger a very serious episode, so I just want you to really educate yourself on those risks to you and the pregnancy/child if you do choose that route. Some of my friends chose adoption, or to not have children as a result.

 

I think your partner is just being honest about his fears about bringing children into the situation, particulary when your health is never guaranteed at this point. Of those friends I mentioned, I know it is VERY hard on their partners too to be caregivers much of the time, when episodes come to pass. It sounds like you have a great guy there whom is prepared to help you when you need it, but is wary of bringing children into it for his own reasons, and partially due to your health.

 

I think you need to first decide if you do want kids, educate yourself, and then determine whether this is a dealbreaker or not. No one here can tell you what you should choose if you want children and he does not, so that is something YOU need to really decide for yourself.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

Your post made me think long and hard about a few things - it's a difficult dilemma, I can appreciate that it's tough. It triggered a few things in me, I suppose, because I have been seeing someone who wants children, and I don't feel ready - because I think I would end up by myself supporting them, and I just could not do that.

 

For your boyfriend, I can see his point of view - he might end up supporting you and the children, and having to work. It would give me pause. But are there other options? For instance, do you have family close by? How would you manage financially? What sort of care packages are available where you live? (If you're in the UK, I think there is quite good social care provision made). What I'm trying to say I suppose is that it might not necessarily be so black and white, but to explore exactly how you both feel, and look at all the different avenues open to you.

 

I would also suggest you go to Relate (Couple Counselling), and talk this through with trained counsellors, because this sort of issue is one in which they will really be able to tease out what is going on, and what you both feel. Because sometimes I think we all do things without clearly understanding our own motives or all the options that are available to us.

 

It seems such a shame to me that you might end a really positive relationship over something that you haven't really worked through. It was only last night that you brought it up - sometimes it takes time for you both to really understand where the other is coming from. Especially if you're both unclear yourselves, if you see what I mean.

 

I really hope things work out for you - communication has to be a key part of any decision you make, and exploring ALL the possible options in a friendly, supportive environment, rather than making a panicky quick decision.

 

Take good care!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hmm, this is a tough one! This guy, based upon your post, sounds like any woman's dream.

 

He defied his parents for you, he takes care of you and sticks by your side through your illness. He won't even take a lapdance with your given permission (and dare I say, most men would be knocking down the strip club's door if their woman said they could have a lapdance without any consequences). He sounds great.

 

The only problem is that he does not want kids and you might.

 

Or might not.

 

I definitely, definitely would not end this relationship right now, Sugarmomma. You don't even know if you want children yourself, and like RayKay said, there are serious risks for women with MS. Of course you could adopt, but maybe that's not an option you would want to consider. I don't know. All I know is, don't give up something wonderful over this, just yet. Wait until you've made your decision on whether to have a child or not, and if it's worth the risk of losing what you two share. You never know, in another year or two, he might change his mind about having a child.

 

Good luck.

[Rabican]

You have to decide if you want kids, and if he wants kids.

 

If you do, and he doesnt... break up. Giving him an ultimatum, either have kids with me, or its over is a bad idea. He might go along with it, grudgingly, while not really wanting the kids which would be horrible for you, him and them in the long run.

 

Having kids isnt like deciding fried chicken or chinese for dinner... its a big big deal. Something you either both want, or dont. Its one thing if he says if it happens it happens... but if hes flat against it, and you are for it... thats a big difference.

 

Another option you could go with, would be to suggest, if you got married and wanted kids, would he be willing to adopt? Maybe a slighly older child for example that may not be so difficult for you to handle. I dont have kids, but im sure a newborn is a lot more to deal with than a kid thats a little older.

[sugarmomma]

wow thank you all so much. Your words really helped me to stop and think.I would def consider adoption, in fact I would prefer to adopt. And I guess I could always hire a nanny.

 

I don't think my boyfriend will change his mind, but who knows. I guess only time will tell. but I am extremely lucky to have him in life and I shouldn't make any rash decisions just because he hurt my feelings by being honest.

 

when i thought again about adoption options , i felt relieved. All of the pressure of neededing to decide disappeared. Thanks again for your help!