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Hey all,


New to this forum, but have been finding really good advice. I didn't really think about the NC thing before, but now see it as the answer to my prayers.


Maybe a little backstory is needed before I get into my question. My ex and I dated for 2 years and broke up about 4 months ago. We were each other's first loves and as most first loves do, we thought we'd found "the one." We're both gorgeous, well off, got to travel the world, and basically lived a life our friends envied and dreamed about. However, all good things come to an end and she got to a place this past summer where she didn't like where her life was going and said that she needed time to figure herself out. If it was only that, this would be a much different story. She did have a lot of stuff happen to her this past year, I don't deny it, yet when she dumped me because she didn't feel like she could handle the commitment anymore, I felt like she was throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Sadly, even though I see now that she just wasn't ready for the type of relationship I wanted, I still feel that she's my soulmate.


Anyways, I'd been pursuing her (stupidly I know now) since she broke it off between us, off and on for the past few months because I just couldn't grasp that we couldn't make this work. An e-mail here, a visit there, basically hemmorrhaging out my loneliness and love to her and leaving myself deeper and deeper in a hole of despair (sound familiar to anyone?). She originally responded well because in the beginning I said how I agreed with the decision, felt great about where I was at (I moved to LA for school), and hoped for the best for her. Of course, once she replied back saying how much she appreciated my understanding and missed me and thought about me, I totally lost it and instead of letting my absense speak for itself, aggressively pursued her. As we all know, this only serves to push the one we love away and this time it was no different.


So, tired, frustrated, and more and more disillusioned with this concept of "love", I decided I would say my goodbyes on Thanksgiving and just be done with her. Of course, those goodbye calls never go as planned and what I wanted to be a strictly cold and indifferent conversation left me asking her why she was doing these things that she and I both knew were only wasting time and that she needed to come back to the only one who ever loved her for being her. I was a sad, sad, broken man.


After failing once again and picking up what little dignity I had left, I decided no more goodbyes, no more contact, * * * * her, I'm done. So, it was hard at first, but I kept at it. And what do you know, SHE calls me about a week before Christmas. I didn't answer the phone (thank you eNotAlone!) and just let it ring. She left a message saying how she was in Boston (we'd been living there for school the past year) and thinking about me. She hoped I was doing alright and that my semester had ended well. She also said that she'd bought me a little Christmas gift she wanted to send and hoped to hear from me later.


I left it at that because I didn't see any point in responding. So then comes Christmas Eve and I get a call from an unknown number. I didn't answer since it looked like it could have been from her. Then I'm going around in my head, thinking it is Christmas, if she calls me to wish me well, I can at least do the same. Let this be a lesson on how all our minds make it so easy to rationalize what we know is wrong. So I called her, find out it wasn't her who had called me, but that she was glad to hear from me all the same. Then she has to call me back since she's still with her family (which I find out later meant she was about 15 min away from my house, only adding to my pain). So later we talked a bit, just seeing how each other's life is going, and I'm constantly pulling myself away from crossing over that line of indifference into neediness. Then I'm asking her how Boston was and commenting about how life can be so unpredictable. I was like "Yeah, and to think that this Christmas I was going to give you that promise ring we had picked out." She pauses and then proceeds to tell me that during her little visit back, she went and bought it!


At this I was speechless. Of all the things to bring up and of all the things she could've done to me, this was by far the most unexpected. So of course I asked why. She said that it meant a lot and wanted it for herself. A $500 souvenier? No way. After this, I just lost it. I go on some rant about what is that supposed to do to me and how can she go and do something like that while dating some guy who's almost 30 (she's 20) and basically just lost all the face I may have gained since Thanksgiving. After that, it really didn't get any better. I got into how I felt so betrayed about how she dumped me (she started seeing the 30 year old behind my back, but that's a WHOLE nother story) and told her that if this was the kind of life that she wanted, she was welcome to it, I was done.


So that was my Christmas this year, fun fun. I felt like I'd broken up with her all over again because I knew now without a doubt that anything I'd been hoping or dreaming about before had been false and based on a distorted perspective (a.k.a. Love). But, at the end of it all, beyond all the bull * * * * and mistakes (on both sides) and everything, I ask myself "Why would she buy that goddamned ring?" To have a constant daily reminder of me and everything we had and promised to have would be insane to me, so how can she do it? I don't think about this as any further exuse to contact her. Once I get back home I'm sending her all of her stuff -- her love notes, her photos, her little trinkets -- in a package I'm contemplating calling the "Box of Lies" (only joking). I'm just left more confused as to her mindset and what that may mean for the future. Is she just a bundle of confusion and doubt and immaturity that I have to let alone or is she trying to play this game with me and my heart and wants me to continue fighting for her? My gut leads me to think the former.


So hopefully you're still awake after reading all this. I could go on, but what to me is just more evidence of her state of mind is to you only more sentences to skim through. How do I solve this riddle of the ring? Just let it be and move on or wait and see what happens? Any input would be much appreciated.


- arch1tekt85

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She went back and bought this ring?

She isnt over you

Shes not actually doing anything wrong, I am sure this 30 yr old is just using her as a piece of bed-bumping action to look good on his arm, so I doubt he actually cares if she still harbours feelings for you.


However, YOU need to move on... She is dealing with things in her own way, which sounds pretty self-destructive, but there isnt anything you can do about it.


Just keep up the NC and stop trying to act like your over it if your not... it just prolongs things

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arch1tekt85 , ok so "she bought" the ring....what is the problem, she paid for it right? .....with her own money right?


She broke off with you 4 months ago, that's make her your ex...i know it sucks, it hurts, but it's her life now...."let her go"...forget about the (30..27..whatever age she is dating)


Go Nc, she is being immature in telling you, from what I see, your better off without her, she's spending money galore right now, imagine if it was your money...count your blessing my friend

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to Eva


That's the thing. I think she's actually the one using him (this isn't the first time she's been some older guy's teenage fantasy). I've even called her out on it and she's admitted as such. She has no feelings for him, doesn't think he's that intelligent, and said he's not even good in bed. Basically, the only thing he's got going for him is he's available and has lots of free time whereas I had to move 3 hrs away and am a full time student. Yes, she's very self destructive and I see that now. Somehow I thought I could change that about her, but guess I was wrong. But God, what a mindjob to go out and buy our ring. It's like your ex getting married in your chapel or whatever that you and them had planned on.


I know I can't read much into it; she's crazy right now and doesn't know what she wants and there's nothing I can do to change it. But still, is she trying to kill me or what?


to evening_light:


Yea, NC is the plan right now. You're right you're right you're right. She is my ex, I'm better off without her, but she's like a cancer in my soul that won't go away. And even though it's been 4 months, working the way I've been at school it seems like only last week. She on the other hand has had tons of time to do as she pleases and can't understand why I'm not over her. I feel like I came back from another planet to find that everyone aged 10 years to my one.


It's times like these I wish that Lacuna from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was a real company; I'd sign right up.

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