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Being a MAN......

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Lets just say that I will be 27 years old in a couple weeks and I feel like I am 19. I still live @ home, I am emotionally unstable, I can't afford to move out of home because I owe a bunch of money to credit cards, car loan, insurance, student loans(been paying these things for years and I dropped out). I have a horrible relationship with my mother, we never talk, she tries to talk to me but I just can't talk to her for some reason. I feel like I am getting old and going nowhere.


My father never really schooled me on being a man. How to be strong, confident and all that other jazz. After recently being told I need to grow up and become a man, I feel like crap. And it got me thinking. What exactly makes you a real man???? I am trying to figure this out.


I feel really crappy about life watching my younger brother get married and my younger sis on the road to marriage and already owning her own house. Here I am living in the back side of my mothers house. I still make horrible decisions and let people break me down. I've really had enough of it. I have been single pretty much throughout all of my 20s, nothing serious at all. My first serious relationship when I was 18 that went on till I was 21 off and on was filled with so much hurt and I think that has really made me scared of relationships and stuff though I want one so bad. I want to be this MAN that women speak of.

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2 things:

Why don't you look around for the men in your life you respect, uncles, friends, etc.. and talk to them, ask them for help, see how they are MEN and what you need to do to become like the,

Get some counseling. Get a male counselor.

If you are emotionally unstable, are you depressed? You might need to see a medical counselor. Anti-depressants might stabilize your moods enough to let you get on with dealing with the other stuff in life you need to.

Being a man means asking for help when you need to. You need help.

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Aw wow, are you the male me of the future?




What can I say? Welcome to the club?


Except for not having siblings neither debts, I´m pretty much in your situation. And struggle to get out of it (except that I'm 4 years younger).


What exactly makes you a real man????

So far you´ve been living like a teenager right? I know, it sucks. Always under the command of the parents cuz you don´t support yourself. Well, you gotta start somewhere. Try to start making enough money to support yourself... runaway... I don´t know, I´m struggling with the same issues.


I´ll let you know if I discover something new... Good luck, you´re not the only one...

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I think the key to growing up, and the key to being a man or a woman or whatever, is to stop listening to all the people around you.


I thinking looking around you and feeling the fear of comparison and failure means you can't get anything done. It certainly does for me.


Doesn't help the money situation though. I recommend putting in a year of hard graft. Clear your debts, stay at home, cultivate some (cheap) hobby- and start as a debt free 28 year old. It might boost your confidence and make you feel more focused.


Family groups, work groups, any kind of groups tend to build a pecking order and try to install a whipping horse. The person who always messes up and is made into the irresponsible one- and often that person is playing that game too because it's safe and fairly devoid of responsibility- but whilst its easy and comfortable its also frustrating because you can't break out of it.


So I'd say get out- if its a big money struggle then put in a massive year's hard work!! You'll feel better I reckon

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Also when women say "I want a real man" it sounds a lot like "You're not enough like my father- I want someone to wait on me" I reckon.


Am I going to regret typing that?


LOL... JK hehe


I think what most women mean when they say that is ......they think your immature and want you to grow up...act mature.....see what I'm saying here?


The last thing most women want is to feel like they are with a child.(I'm not talking age here either) Women dont want to be the 'mommy'.....you already have one of those..lol

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Why don't you become the man you want to be? That's probably a lot closer to the ideal women speak of rather than copying the actions of some testosterone fantasy just because you think people will think that's really you. Eventually it's gonna fall apart and the real you will be exposed. So why not work on becoming comfortable with yourself instead of trying to please everyone else?

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Aw wow, are you the male me of the future?




What can I say? Welcome to the club?


i was gonna say the same thing lol.


i'm 21 and i feel like what...16???

my dad died, my mum went overseas, my bro shifted to a different state...all when i was four years old. i was left with my nana, who spoiled me. but i love her.


no one taught me how to be a real man. and now i am dreading my future.


but what the heck, i'll be who i wanna be. i will not succumb to what society delineates as "the real man".

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I want to be this MAN that women speak of.


I have no clue what that is, nor should you base your improvement upon that, however, here a few things (not all) which help define what it means to be a man:


- Honest (don't lie)

- Reliable (be dependable. walk the talk.)

- Funny (make people laugh at times)

- Financially successful (work and work hard (build self-esteem, confidence, etc.), save/invest, manage your debt. It does not mean you need a mansion with a couple of Benz's).

- Gentle (don't be Mr. Macho, we have enough of those)

- Strong (ties in with reliable; don't be fickle. It does not mean bench press 400 lbs and then go clock someone).

- Nurturing (Critical! - Similar to gentle, but it's more than that. Help bring out the best in others, and help them grow. Pass along what you have learned).


By who's standards are you meauring yourself as? If I set my ideal as something which is ridiculously high, then I would constantly beat myself up as a failure, however, if I undershot myself than I would get complacent.


First, pick your good qualities. Cherish them.


Second, make a list of things you'd like to improve upon (not negatives!). Define this list in an order of importance to you, then focus on 1-2 things which you really want to improve, and 2-3 things which need a slight tweaking.


Chart your progress, then revisit this exercise in 6 months and start anew.


There are plenty of books on this topic as well. Go to the library or bookstore and pick up a few. I'm sure they will give you some great tips and exercises.


This is just one way of defining yourself as a man. By all means, you can define yourself as a man in other ways if you'd like to, but my advice is listed above.

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It sounds like your lacking independence. You need to move out on your own or even better with some flat mates to keep you company. When you start paying bills, cooking dinner every night, doing laundry etc etc you will feel more like an adult. If you dont have much money then look in the paper for someone to share with that already has furniture.

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Your problem is not entirely uncommon, actually. I'm 23(going on to 24 soon, myself) and I feel like I'm still undeveloped as an adult. I feel like I'm no older than 18 or 19. I also didn't have much consel when it came to being a man. My father was more petulant than any person in the house when I was growing up so I had no real strong role model for manhood.


However, despite this, I still moved out with buddies of mine at the age of 23. If anything else, this reinforces independance if anything else. Personally, manhood is too undefinable given the myraid examples of "what a man is" for me to give a damn.


So I'd suggest moving out first and foremost. This will give you a perception of what it is like to depend on yourself for the first time. Trust me, you'll thank yourself for it.

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