My heart still hurts (veeery long).

[Hannahleh]

And it's scares me.

Because I feel like it's getting worse, instead of better.

I didn't really think a 15/16 year old could really understand what being "in love" is... I always laughed at the high school couples who claimed they were in love each other.

 

And then I saw Charlie. And I wanted him for months, and he finally asked me out. It was perfect, just like I'd imagined it... The only problem was I was always a little insecure about us, because I didn't think he could possibly feel as strongly about me as I did about him. But I didn't want him to know, so I pushed away everything negative that had messed with past relationships and tried to give him the best of me. But it still... really bothered me. How he seemed to be okay going a week without calling/seeing me (he was 18 and had graduated and worked opposite shifts than me at the same restaurant, so we were both busy... but he didn't seem to make much of an effort.) I spent 70 bucks on his birthday, and when mine rolled around he didn't get me a thing. He said he was 'working on it'... and I didn't let it get to me at first, because everything was so, so perfect when we were together. It felt real. I had been depressed for a long time, and even though he never knew it he kept me going. We never fought when we were together. But it started to build up, the not calling, not seeing him. And then on our six month anniversary, about three weeks after my birthday, he blew me off an hour before we were supposed to meet up to "go help his buddy move into his new apartment". I'd cancelled plans for that night already, and I'd been... just so excited to see him. A few days before he had done the same thing, but when I almost dumped him he had texted all night, saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he didn't know what to do without me, that he was just a screwup that didn't deserve me. "But please let me prove how much I love you and give me another chance." And I did, because he doesn't usually put himself out there, and it felt like he meant it. And then he blew me off again, and I dumped him over the voicemail because he didn't answer his phone. We exchanged stuff, and we kissed goodbye, and that was it... we both told each other we loved each other and it sucked, but he didn't try to convince me again (even though I really wanted him to deep down and I wasn't about to run back to him, even though it broke my heart. He was my first love, first time having sex, first boy that really meant something to me...

 

We didn't talk after that. A few weeks later, I went to this party with some kids from school that I didn't know very well. To make a long story short, I got very drunk and high to the point where I didn't know up from down, and while I was drifting in/out of consciousness some boys carried me to my car... the next thing I know, I wake up the next morning to find all my clothes scattered everywhere, with blurry memories of been screwed in the backseat by these boys and then (I guess, I don't remember this part well) covered with a blanket driven to some random parking lot and left there.

 

Charlie texted me that next night, he said he heard about the guys I was partying with and was pissed off because he thought one of them (who didn't touch me) was a nark. We ended up getting in an argument, I ended up blurting out that I'd paid for it already... he put it together, flipped out again when I wouldn't tell him exactly what happened, who hurt me, blahblahblah. That was the lowest day of my life... I didn't have enough money to get the morning after pill, I was sick to my stomach with the thought of seeing those boys in school again... they did things to me I would never, never... Eh. I'm still not over it. Anyway, when I wouldn't tell him, he said whatever happened was my fault, for partying with a bunch of guys I didn't know. I was hysterical at this point, and pretty much told him I didn't want to live anymore (which I didn't). I know that's such a petty thing to do, I wasn't in the best mindset. He didn't reply, and I ended up overdosing on pills and in the hospital.

 

I don't think he knows that I actually tried to kill myself (most pathetic thing I've ever done. I know.) And I don't want him to know, I feel embarrassed enough that I said anything to him. But I'm also kind of hurt... that he would have let me die, for all he knew.

 

It's been a month since then, and I keep missing him more instead of less... I ran into one of the cooks who works with him, he didn't realize I was the one Charlie was dating. He said, "So you're the girl he'd been saving up money for a birthday present for? He sounded like he really cared about you." I guess he had been working on it... it's little things like that, that shouldn't hurt so much but they do. He also said that he was getting clean, he'd stopped doing crack which I think he might have used towards the end of the six months. And I miss him so, so much right now... since we broke up, I've made the same mistakes over and over again... Been used in about every way possible, I don't want to think about how many guys I've done things with since then just because I want to feel the way I did with him. But the more I let it happen the more I get scared, because I feel completely apathetic towards every guy I mess around with... every time I let a guy touch me, I just feel like crying because I want my Charlie so bad.

 

I want to call him, but I don't know what to say, after everything that's happened and how dramatic I was that night with that text... Is it even worth it? He has a lot of pride and I know he'll never call me or try to get me back, even if he wants to. I'm so afraid of being rejected by him, I don't know if I could handle it... I'm not in the best emotional shape. I just want him so bad, it's been almost two months since we've broken up and I still feel so raw. I lost my two close friends the same month I lost him, and I don't have anybody now, just people I party and hang around with. I've never been so alone. And I just... I don't know what to do... Would I just be screwing myself over again to try to talk to him?

 

By the way, I definitely don't expect you to read all that, it was more for my sake. But if you skimmed it... any input is really appreciated. Thanks.

[brandon_07]

Wow, that was some story but I read it all...

What those boys did to you in your car was really horrible and I am sorry to hear that happened...

 

Personally I think you should stop trying to show everyguy affection to feel the same way you did with charlie, I know at least for me thats a major turn off for anything long term and makes me feel like its a one night stand.... and it won't make you feel any better about yourself and with all the STDs out there and the possibility of pregnancy even with protection I don't think its worth it

 

As far as contacting him thats your decision it sounded like he really did care about you espessally if he was trying to give up drugs for you its a hard thing to do, but something that you have to decide you want to quit for yourself, not for a girl... If you really want to contact him maybe even just as a friends level is better than nothing sometimes....

[Juliana]

You were sexually assaulted, if not raped. You were definitely too drunk to give meaningful consent. So. Try approaching this from that perspective:

 

1. First you had a breakup that is pretty standard for this age; deep feelings, impulsive acts, standing up for oneself -- everything is abrupt and painful when you're young, but the highs are so high.

 

2. Then, totally unconnected to the first event, you were raped.

 

3. The rape has made you long for some connection to the emotional security of the past relationship.

 

4. If you hadn't been attacked, you wouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed. You need to remember not the past relationship, but who you really are. What is meaningful and important to you. You can contact him if you want, but he is very angry about what happened to you, and that may not be helpful to you. Better to take some time to think about your ambitions and goals for your future, and move towards them, doing good things for yourself along the way. It's not your fault that you were attacked, so don't punish yourself.

[Hannahleh]

^^ Thanks, both of you.

 

I know, about the getting around thing. I feel very disgusted with myself, and I can't understand why I keep letting men take advantage of me... I never did before this, and I don't know why I don't just stop if I don't enjoy it anyway. Most of these guys are in their twenties anyway, if not thirties... And I don't feel right about it, deep down. I realize they don't care about me, anymore than I care about them... Maybe that's why I want him back so much, he was one of the few men (people) in my life that didn't seem to use me or pressure me. I miss that. ;/

[Juliana]

"I feel very disgusted with myself, and I can't understand why I keep letting men take advantage of me... I never did before this, and I don't know why I don't just stop if I don't enjoy it anyway."

 

It's a rape reaction. Rape victims tend to go one of two ways: They either put on a big sweater and sit in their closet watching television, or they go the other way, and become excessively promiscuous. It's an attempt to take control of the original rape by trying to recreate it, over and over. It just re-traumatizes you and sets you back in your recovery.

 

You are moving towards healing by writing this out and stopping to consider what you want from yourself, from others, and from your life. You can have all that back again. Everything you are experiencing, other women who've been assaulted have gone through before you. Think about who you were before the assault in the back of the car, think about what your goals were, and move forward in way that would be consistent with those things, that would not negate them. For a long time now, the rape reaction has been running your life, but it's ending, and it's time to start your real life again.

 

I know you are longing for the past, for your loving relationship, but you are longing for the values and emotional security of that time, not the guy himself. You can move on to another loving and secure relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Are there any counseling services associated with your school or a university near you? regardless of your drugged/drunk state, if several boys took advantage of you, that is rape, and you need to get counseling to help you overcome the effects of this trauma.

 

You could also Google for some rape help lines who could give you some local groups and resources you can take advantage of. I think you need to deal with your feelings with other people who know what to do and have had similar experiences, and trying to return to a former boyfriend for comfort doesn't always work or make you feel better, sometimes worse if he doesn't respond the way you hope...

 

Once you have dealt with this emotionally, you might one day contact him and try to renew your friendship, but please take care of yourself first, until you feel strong enough to handle whatever his response to you might be, and until you have stopped your self destructive behavior like drinking/drugging/sleeping with too many people... that is often an attempt to comfort yourself, but only contributes to the problem.

 

please move forward to get the help you need, you deserve to feel better.