What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

[nikki blu]

Went to a concert about a month ago by myself and sold my extra ticket to this guy. Ran into him later in the concert and he bought me a few drinks as a thank you. A good buzz plus good conversation lead to flirting and heavy petting and I felt uncomfortable, so I lost myself in the crowd.

 

Two weeks later I get a text from him asking to forward pictures I took at the concert. The chemistry started again with us texting back and forth until he called, we had a great conversation and he asked me out to a concert with him and his friends later that week.

 

When we get to the concert he says he has a feeling his ex-girlfriend is going to be there. They were together off and on for about 4 years and they just broke up 3 months ago. Turns out she is there, and it's his first time seeing her since they broke up.

 

He was uptight most of the night because his friends would go up and talk to her or they would poke fun at the situation. I did'nt know this was going on, he told me later.

He says he decided immediately after they broke up he was swearing off women for awhile and he just wanted to be by himself, but meeting me was like fate.

Yet he wants to make sure I don't fall for him, because he's not quite ready.

 

He invited me to a Christmas party, we had great time followed by intimacy that has been going on for a few weeks now. He has been the most considerate, but apologetic guy I have ever met, hard to describe...like a perfect gentleman with self esteem issues. He claims he is a jerk and he doesn't deserve the way I treat him so nice. Then it seems he tries to act like a jerk to make me angry, and I just laugh at him because it seems so unnatural.

 

We agreed things have moved a little fast. I respect he is not ready...I have had so many bad dating experiences over the past few years...I want and deserve a real relationship, the chemistry is there but the timing is so wrong and I can't figure this thing out ....it might be hard for either one of us to break it off...what should I do?

[BrokenHeart82]

Sorry to say this hon but red flag, red flag..he is SHOWING and TELLING you that he isnt ready to get into something.

 

He might like you very much but his heart and head arent in it.

 

I suggest backing off, being a friend without benefits if you feel so inclined.

[arwen]

Hey Nikki,

 

I think this is kind of a red flag too. The chemistry is right, the feelings are right, but I think the TIMING is wrong. So for the time being, I would try not to be intimate with him. Get to know him first. When people make comments about being a jerk, they are telling you something. Maybe not the literal message, but it hints at a certain history maybe, or at a low self esteem.

 

What do you know about the break up and the relationship with the ex and what do you know about his recent past? Is he also dating or seeing other girls, etc. Intimacy is best shared when it's exclusive.

 

Arwen

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Nikki - Maybe you could just back off a bit?

 

Maybe if you're not AS available, it will spark him into the chase. Maybe....

 

If nothing else, at least he'll have more space and things will slow down as he requested.

[nikki blu]

I know there are two sides to every story...but from his actions I gather she was pretty high maintenance. He said he basically did everything she wanted to do and pretty much pouted when she didn't get her way. This might be because she's in her early 20's He's in his late 20's... I just turned 30.

 

I know age is just a number, but in this case...the things he apologizes to me for are like silly comments of nothingness only an immature drama queen would ruffle her feathers over. Or maybe I'm just laid back, and he's not used to that.

 

We had a serious discussion. I don't do open intimacy. And made it clear that if either one of us meets someone else of interest...it's over. That likely won't happen with me, but I guess it's good to back off to give the impression that I'm not so available. It's so hard when you enjoy someone's company.

 

Damn, why do I want to see him?...I wish I had a lightswitch in my brain called "Play the Game"....](*,)

[arwen]

Well, maybe his ex used to be very upset with tiny things, and that is why he is afraid to do things wrong all the time (hence the comment about being a jerk). In any case, I think that he is not ready to start a new relationship right now. Maybe it's best if you take things really slow and be friends first.

 

Arwen (ilse)

[nikki blu]

Thanks for your advice everyone...I texted him yesterday and said I needed to talk to him. Hopefully, I have the strength to break it off, keep the friendship and maybe have a second try at it later.