Has he stopped loving me?

[1 Confused]

My mate recently disclosed to me that he has harbored doubts about the relationship for the past year. Until today I presumed we had a solid relationship much like any other functional relationship (no cheating, abuse, etc). However, he is torn between experiencing a single lifestyle (I assume due in part to his new male friendships) and investing in the relationship long-term.

 

This is our first and only long-term relationship and I am fairly certain that I want to be committed to him.

 

So how can you not be certain after eight years? Has he loved me at all?

 

I also suspect that he may not be happy with himself as he turned 29 two weeks ago and in reflecting on his life, he expressed to me that he has regrets on not accomplishing various things earlier on in his life.

 

I certainly understand how he feels but it is very possible to have a relationship and experience personal growth. Or is it?

[n83]

Hun it definitely sounds like he's having doubts. After eight years, things things he's saying are a bad sign. He may feel that because he was with you, he missed out on a lot of things when he was younger. I am not sure that he wants to find growth with you. That being said, you absolutely have options at this point. If he's really changing and acting differently, you have every right to move on with your life. It will be very hard after all this time but it's better than staying with someone who isn't even sure they want you in theirs.

[arwen]

I understand that you want to believe that what he is going through is JUST personal growth that is unrelated to feelings to you or wanting to commit. But the to can well go hand-in-hand, I believe. I think you need to listen carefully to what he is saying and tell him that whatever he thinks about the future, you need to know the truth, and not a version that is designed to hurt you less.

 

His friends may be an influence, and also him coming close to 30. You have been together in a time where the life of most people changes a lot (i.e. between 20 and 30, where you first are probably still studying, then looking for a career, starting to think about children etc). It could be that over the years he feels you two have grown apart for a bit. He may feel that he is not committing to the right person. That is VERY painful but that does not mean he never loved you. He can still love you but be confused about settling down with you. It seems that he is at the point in life where it's either committing to you (for good, such as marrying or living together), or going on by himself. Ask for openness. The truth will in the end hurt you less than stories around it that keep you guessing for answers.

 

take care,

Ilse

[flower99]

So how can you not be certain after eight years? Has he loved me at all?

 

Wow I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Has he loved you at all??? I would say YES he loves you...I'm sure he does, But just not enough to KNOW that you are the one for him & to be willing to let go of the other life he wants. You deserve a deeper more real love than that!!

 

I agree, How can you Not be certain after 8 years....I think the simple fact that he is uncertain...after 8years (by this point he should know you inside & out) tells you he's not the one.

 

8 years is a long time. You either know or you don't by this point. And he doesn't.

Question for you...how much longer are you willing to wait to find out?? Are you at the point were you are ready to be married & start a family? If so, are you ready to find a man that wants the same things as you??

[Day_Walker]

If he is having doubts then it may be that he has to experience things before he wants to get to the next level. It may be that he is having those feelings but that lifesytle might not appeal to him. There isnt much you can actually do here.

[Firedancer03]

I agree, How can you Not be certain after 8 years....I think the simple fact that he is uncertain...after 8years (by this point he should know you inside & out) tells you he's not the one.

 

8 years is a long time. You either know or you don't by this point. And he doesn't.

 

I completely agree with this. If he is having doubts after 8 years together, then he probably isn't "the one" for you. In fact, I'd go so far to say that if he hasn't committed to you by now, he probably never will. I'm so sorry you are going through this, its always hard to hear your partner having "doubts" about a relationship you think is solid as a rock. But I really do think that he does love you! How could he not! 8 years is a long time to spend with someone, and a guy won't stick around for that long if he's not in love. However, he is clearly not committing to you at this point. If he is having internal issues within himself, who knows how long it will be before he gets whatever it is resolved. Don't you think you deserve someone who is crazy about you, who has no doubts that you are the one he wants to be with forever?

[Momene]

To add to the others, the 7-year itch can happen any time from 5 to 9 years into a relationship. You can't force him to commit or decide but you can set a deadline by which he has to decide (say 3 months) than you say it's over if he can't/won't commit.