Please Can You Help

[SolitarySoul]

Hello

 

I'm so sorry for coming back with the same problem, I really do think I have some kind of issues that need help dealing with......

 

Basically about 8 months ago i left my job of 14 months. I decided to leave my job as i had strong feelings for someone i worked with. This person was my manager and was also female. During my time working there we got on great together and i classed her as a good friend. Throughout this period I'd never mentioned my sexuality but i'll always be certain she knew that i liked her (by what i'd say & do along with the whe way i looked at her)

Anyway it wasn't long after i'd started the job that she started to make it pretty damn obvious she was attracted to me. I keep on pointing this out, but there is no way a completey straight person would have done or said the things she did. It was only ever to me & never to any of the other females in our workplace so it wasn't just a case of that was the type a person she is.

 

So, to cut a very long story short i left my job and not long after I told her how i felt about her. Well things turned very bad and she would no longer even speak to me. She had told everyone what i had told her without even speaking to me frst. Afterwards i forwarded a letter to her apologising but said unless she ever looked me in the eyes i coudn't take full responsibility for thinking what I did.

She never did get back in touch.

 

I hadn't seen her for about six months until November when I had to go and see her regarding my work. I'd heard through a mutual friend that she may have saidsomething to a prospective employer. When I went to see her she was like she had always been with me. She promised me that she would never have said anything bad about me. I know this is crazy, but whilst I was there she was looking me up and down in an obvious and kind of sexy way. I said to her i wish i could believe that she hadn't had a clue and i asked 'so the thought of me and you never once crossed your mind'

 

She looked at me and said no, but i really don't believe her. Don't get me wrong I do accept what she says because that's obviously what she wants me to believe.

 

Last week, I met up with a mutual friend who i used to work with. I meet up wih this person every month or so. When we were out the conversation turned to this person and she told me that she 'really doesn't get on with her anymore'

Apparently, she is sleeping with about three blokes and has said she wants an open relationship. I can't believe this is the same person at all.............I was sick later that evening.

 

This person is in their 40s and I am 27. When I knew her she had told me that it took her a very long time to be intimate with someone and it should always be a friendship first. This was one of the reasons I thought the world of her. She also told me that she had only ever slept with three people in all her life. One of these was her ex husband of 13 years, the other was a woman and the third was a man she had been having an affair with for the pat 7 years. This man was the owner of the company who she only ever saw once in a blue moon.

 

There were many times she told me how the sex was rubbish and how the sight of a naked man made her feel sick.

 

I'm the first to admit that this whole situation from beginning to end has really made me ill. I've been depressed for about 8 months and just recently i have had to tell the only friend i had left that I can't contact her anymore.

 

When I used to work there we all used to go out for drinks or a night out. But since I left that all stopped and there was only this one person who kept in touch with me.

Everytime I meet up with this mutual friend it brings back so many memories for me, Like how i gave up a job that i really did enjoy & how i miss everyone i used to work with. Not only that but everytime I see her I learn new things about this person and it only gives me more things to think about.

 

The person she describes sounds like a completey different to the one i used to know. To this day I still miss her so so much and although she said she hoped we could still be friends when I went to see her, i know she will never contact me.

 

Since my other friends have found out that I am gay, they keep trying to get off with me. Even though i tell them that i still have feelings for this other person and I'm just not like that, they don't seem to understand.

 

The last time I went out with this mutual friend I ended up crying in the toilet. I thought she was listening to me and then she started to kiss me. Not only that, but her sister has told me she thinks she is also bi, but no one knows. This mutual friend brings her sister everytime we meet up and she just won't take no for an answer. Because of this and everything else that is going on with me I have now decided to cut all contact.

 

I have absoloutely no one left which I can live with, but i have so much hurt inside of me.

 

I still think of this other person every day & now I'm not sure if that person ever really existed. This friend said this person seems really happy at the minute & that makes me a little angry.

 

When I think of the way she treated me it's as though she desn't even give a damn.

 

I know many people will probably say I'm just better of moving on from it all, and i do understand that. But there are so many things that i wish i could make sense of & forget about.

 

I'm sorry that if this seems al over the place I just needed someone to talk too.

 

Thank you

[aymee_lee]

You are obviously still having trouble dealing with this situation.

 

I have read and responded to both of your other posts on this issue. What responses were you looking for?

[Ash]

It may be that you'll never really make sense out of a lot of what has happened. So, as you suggested, you likely will get some advise telling you to move on. The way things are with you ex boss, there seems little else to do.

 

Based on what you were saying she sounds like the type of person that simply wanted to gain acceptance and a sense of belonging to as many people as she could. To this end, she may have been telling you what she thought you wanted to hear. She also likely does the same with other people and this in part explains why the story of her being with three men exists. She likely is to them what she thinks they want her to be. It sounds like she particpates in a lot of office gossip which is also a way people are when they are seeking acceptance.

 

Whether she is gay, straight or bisexual is difficult to determine. At this point it may not really matter any more anyway as she's not the right person for you whatever the situation. Perhaps she has bi tendencies and wonders what it would be like but it's also something she's trying to avoid because she thinks men and other women won't accept her so she sticks with what she thinks the majority will appreciate in her.

 

It's good that you're writing all this out. It helps you work through your feelings.

[SolitarySoul]

Thank you Aymee-Lee & Ash for replying to my post.........

 

Truthfully Aymee-Lee I don't know what responses I was looking for, maybe just someone elses thoughts/opinion to help put things in perspective again.

 

Ash, what you have said makes a lot of sense. I certainly believe she seeks acceptance from as many people as she can. I have also come to believe that she possibly immitates the people who she is around at the time, and that's why I thought she was very similar to myself.

 

With the men she is seeing at the moment I do agree that she will try to be what she thinks they want her to be .

 

I am very disappointed in myself that I miss being around this type of person. Maybe I am kidding myself but I always thought she was more relaxed and enjoyed being around me.

 

When I saw her last she did say that she hoped we still could be friends. I have considered contacting her to ask her and my ex work colleagues for a drink sometime, but I don't know what to do.

 

Part of me feels as though i'll always believe that she lied to me, but then i think i might be cutting of my nose to spite my face when a friendship has been offered.

 

I'm still so confused over everything that happened & I don't really know what to do for the best. I certainly wouldn't like it to look as though i'm still trying to pursue her when the main thing i miss are the friendships. If that's what they really were.

 

I would like to think that if she meant it when she said she hoped we could still be friends then maybe one day she will contact me.

 

Maybe that's just wishfull thinking though.

 

I think I'm just still very sad as at the very least I thought i had found a good/true friend.

 

Thank you both for your replies, they mean a lot to me thank you

[Ash]

Based on your writings, I think you'd truly be better off not to pursue her any more. You're likely to get yourself more hurt. That's not something I'd want to have happen, and no doubt you don't either.

 

If she is sincere and she did in fact show her "real" side to you and others are seeing a contrived character then perhaps she will contact you and you can become friends. Before and if that happens though you must answer the question to yourself if being only friends with her will be enough. If it won't be then I'd suggest you not try to become friendly again should the situation present itself.