My thoughts on this year, the guy situation... and resolutions for 2007!

[Lily04]

Hi everyone,

 

First off, I wanted to thank everyone who has helped me in my last few posts, as I was going through some complicated things (and still am in the midst of a few, actually.)

 

Admittedly, 2005 and 2006 were not great years for me. In 2005 my mother became very ill with a life-threatening disease, although she has since recovered and I am very blessed for that. And 2006 was mostly about my troubles with academics, along with living on my own and making some tough decisions.

 

Most recently, however, I have been grappling with a situation that impinged on my instincts and trust issues from past relationships. After vacillating and analyzing constantly to the point where it became obsurd and possibly unhealthy... I really decided to trust my instincts. To summarize my position now... as much as people have said I judged too soon (possibly), I think that I had justified reasons for asking what and when I did, and for suspecting the guy who I started dating was a player. The proper etiquette may have been not to ask straight out and I now realize that...

 

Looking back though, I am a very perceptive person and there were definite signs that I picked up on, that he likely thought I would overlooked. I asked when I did because I felt he wasn't treating me seriously, and thought he could 'get away with it' so to speak, and I don't let anyone take my integrity or intelligence for granted. That is a rule. So that is why I asked -- to refute any such notions and essentially render *them* stupid. I wanted to be one step ahead of him.

 

Anyway, if we go out again I get the feeling that he really does just want me as a screw-buddy, which isn't my thing. I could potentially have fun and flirt with him, while telling him I realize this is all he wants, so I have the one-up on him (i.e. players usually don't think girls realize this) and I could even say that I realize that he didn't think we'd be long-term (which I agree) because he doesn't think I'm intelligent/mature enough for him. That is not due to my own insecurities but only because I got the impression that he wasn't treating me seriously and maturely, for various reasons. He wasn't respecting my opinions and feelings from the start. He just wants *ss. It is not due to my own insecurities because I've dated Ph.D students, and the other guy I'm interested in is also a law student and likely even smarter than him and yet I do not feel intimidated by him. So yes, I could tell him this, and lead him on, and I might for a bit in fact, just for fun.....but ultimately drop him because I know that's all he wants.

 

Lastly, that leads to my goal for 2007 -- I need balance. I also need to trust myself a heck of a lot more. I am a smart and reasonable individual so I shouldn't have such problems coming to decisions and just making short-term plans and acting on them. My constant vacillation is a real problem for me that I want to resolve. And secondly, I need to learn to balance academics a lot better because it is ruining my personal relationships with people and jeopardizing what could potentially be. My prof. actually wrote me today and said my new year's resolution should be to get papers in on time, and I think that's a good plan as well.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with people who have helped and might care about some of my thoughts, and hope that 2007 will be a successful and fulfilling year for yourselves as well.

 

Best wishes,

 

Lily

[Lily04]

Also, I have to say, the amount of time I put into this (exhaustive) simply reflects the type of person I am -- the type who values principles over emotions. I would never date a player or want to feel manipulated... I had justified reasons for feeling the potential for that. So I was cautious and wanted to reassure him of my intelligence and insight to see beyond what he was hoping, if that was the case.

 

I realize many people may just say (as many of my friends did) -- "don't think, just do. Just go out with him and whatever happens happens." That's certainly one approach.....but I put a bit more thought into my actions as I don't want to be hurt and certainly do not want to be taken for granted -- that is, my intelligence and integrity, which are things I pride much more than the things he may favor.

[Lily04]

And also, contrary to what people may think.....the reason why I hadn't had past 'relationships' (I have dated quite a bit though) was because the right person just hadn't come along....it wasn't so much because of trust issues, but more because they weren't the right person and I could see that from the beginning. There were only 2 guys who I would have seen as long-term potential (well mainly one, the other I was obsessed with but as a result I only would have seen it as short-term...) And one was already in a long-term relationship at the time so it wouldn't have worked. I really very much trusted him though -- we got along perfectly, our personalities meshed well, we were friends, although he flirted with me.. and then admitted he had a gf. If he weren't dating that could have potentially worked, although the fact that he was travelling a lot would have probably made it too difficult.

 

Same with other guys -- one I dated over the summer was a player but I also quickly detected that and dumped him.. the other originally i think just wanted me for hooking-up but I could tell he was sincerely open to something more long-term (as he stated... he was honest with me) and we dated for about 3 weeks but then I decided i wasn't really attracted to him.

 

So.....my past isn't that bad. it's less to do with trust in general than it is to do with the fact that I didn't trust him specifically. I think I was easily blaming it on the fact that the few guys I did really like didn't work out in the past, but that's not really the problem. the real problem is that I am an impeccable judge of character and can usually perceive early on if I'm really attracted to him and if it will work......if he's a player or not.

 

thats the truth and i'm not changing it.

[Caterina]

Stop dating players. The guy who didn't respect your intelligence--why even give him another chance by going on a date with him?

[Ash]

I think that's part of what dating different guys does. For somebody like you who is a thinking as well as a feeling person, dating will help you learn what the correct balance is for you. You need to do some learning first before you'll really know where that balance is, and the only real way to learn that is to date these different men, both the players, and the sincere long term guys.

 

Sounds like it's going along okay. There will always be false starts, good times, bad times, elation and hurt but they're all moving you along in life believe it or not. But you already realize all that.

 

Best of luck in 2007 and your prof is right, personal life aside it's always good practice to keep the business end of things where it should be!

[Budman]

One part, by leading the guy on, isn't that in a sense doing the same thing as he does? Aka manipulating people.

 

It just sounds like a bad thing to do. Better just to let go, and live and let live.

[Lily04]

Thanks Budman. I read your PM -- it's quite long and I can't respond to it now. But I wanted to thank you for your advice with this... I think you're right in that I should date other people, be more distant with this guy, and maybe come back to it at a later time once I'm more stable and confident with myself. I think confidence for me is still an issue I have to work on... dating more people might help with that.