I need some advice - its a matter of the heart.

[DBranigan]

This is my first ever post and I am not sure what direction I am going with this but I will try. I want to be as honest as possible when it comes to my heart and love.

 

Here I go; I have been in a relationship for almost 1 year with the most amazing man I have ever met. I am truly happy and in love with him but the problem is me. I have been hurt in the past and to be honest I sometimes have a lot of bad memories and feeling coming back up. I can see that they are affecting my relationship with him but I find it so hard to talk about them with him. Its not that he doesn’t want to talk with me about my feelings, but more about me being ashamed of how weak I can become. I have this strong image in front of family, friends and even him but the thing is he actually knows that I am hurting. I can’t talk with him because I am afraid he will leave me when he sees this side of me. Due to this I am loosing him. Of course my behaviour hasn’t always been that of a loving partner as I am not including him in the matters of my heart. With this in mind we are experiencing a lot of difficulties. It’s my entire fault. Another side of this is he had to move back to Italy 2 months ago. This is making it even harder on both of us. I know he loves me but I need to show him and make him believe me that I love him with all my heart and that I will change and grow into a bigger, better, stronger man. I am so scared he won’t come back to Ireland to be with me as he still isn’t sure if he can do this. I am waiting for an answer and this happens to be the hardest time of my life. I know that feelings of ones heart can take time but I need to have something to look forward to or reach to. I won’t give up on him and us as he is the love of my life.

 

Can someone please help me?? Anything?? Tell me to grow up?? Anything??

[blender]

Well, as much as you "think" you will not be okay, either way, YOU will be fine, and even better, because you are taking a moment to work on your own issues, and HE can NOT be and should not be in the position to be your therapist, so no worries on the fact that you feel you should "talk to him more" regarding YOUR issues, you can work on those for yourself, and there is no need in mature, emotionally healthy love to feel the "need to prove" anything,

 

so what if sometimes you are vulnerable and weak, that's okay, that's just your nature, and you are working on it... that is NO reason that a relationship will break up.. sure it might challenge it at times, but it would not destroy, real, mature, respectful, healthy love.

 

So whether or not he does come back from Italy, you will still be okay... it's all in how YOU choose to make an emotional plan for yourself, right now in this moment, there are so many people, not as strong as you, who are dealing with things that you couldn't even imagine, that test thier strengths, and thier weaknesses, but they make it through..

 

As for matters of the heart, if we think that we can "attain" happiness from being with another person, then we are only setting ourselves up to fall, because love is about "sharing happiness" that you ALREADY possess for yourself...

 

so IF he doesn't come back, you can take the time to dig inside yourself, and to work on your own issues for yourself, and not so you can "win" this so called prize of a man.. c'mon, you know better than that... and you just need to get your heart to follow your head..

 

It might not be easy to "let go" of what you "thought might be" with him, but you will indeed be stronger and okay with whatever turns out to "actually be" with or without him.. you will be okay..

 

it might hurt for awhile, but heartache has a great way of waking us up to discover our own strengths, and to remind us how much we can overcome and discover about our own selves.. it will all work out for you..

 

don't let your mind wander into all bad places of sadness... sure you may be 'sad" for a bit, but as you know in life sometimes we just have to be sad, to know what "happiness" really is, and "happiness is a choice" of being in acceptance of our lives as they are, and just trying to do our best each day... even when it's our worst.. do you know what I mean?

 

Please do not blame yourself for everything, forgive yourself, learn about yourself, and remember that you are not interested in being with a man who can not accept and understand that sometimes you are vulnerable... and yes weak too.. like we all are at times...

[DBranigan]

Thank you for your message. I really do try everyday to be a better person. I don't want to label myself as a sad, depressed, angry person but at the end of it all I actually do label myself. I understand what you wrote but what I don't understand is me. I need to deal with my problems face on. Well this is the first step right? You know I try to do things right in this relationship but it never seems to be right. Am I that angry that I am insensitive to his feelings? Do I miss his heart ache that I and I alone create for him? I will be honest here, I have never questioned my love for him but I have questioned his ability to handle me. He sometimes says to me I am angry all the time. Not physically as I would not harm a hair on his head but more like I have a hump on my shoulder. That kills me. Its not that I be angry with him or life it’s that I sometimes (a lot) be in my own little world. I have always been like this. Example, my parents were afraid to send me to school as a kid because I kept to myself. I was bullied and teased but that changed when I started to play Gealic Football (Irish National Sport). My point is I have a way about me that he really doesn’t understand. I need to reach inside me and get what’s there out. What can I do to help me whiles sharing my life and experience with the man I love & also giving him the love and happiness he deserves? I don’t want to win or be number one I want to be the one he can looks up to when he is sad, lonely or even happy. I say I want a lot I know this but to want doesn’t always mean to say you can have. I have to earn his love. You know I am even talking more positively after reading your message.

[Momene]

I thought Blender's reply was spot-on and can't really add much. Consider counselling. It can be a great help.

 

I expected a lot of support from my wife when I had a crisis in 2004 and the fact I didn't get it caused a lot of friction. I later reflected that it wasn;t because she refused to help me, it was that she simply couldn't, so we were frustrated by each other.

[honeyspur]

I think counceling is a good idea. Simply because councelors/psychologists can do a step-by-step process on how to overcome anger and depression.

If you can't afford it, start researching "anger management"on the Internet, Depression is a form of anger so you will be killing two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Good luck.