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this email is tearing me up inside...

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I got this email from my BF a week after not talking to him after our break up...


Originally I thought it would be much better for us both if I remained silent. That I should just let you go on hating me and thinking of me as an uncaring bastard. This decision was meant for your betterment; you have no idea how much it hurts me. But I want to be strong, be the man, stand up and shut up, take it and let it be done.

Unfortunately I am in a moment of weakness and have convinced myself that maybe it would be best to say what I feel, regardless of the consequences. I never stopped loving you xxxxxx, I love you now and will love you always. The strength in you, mixed with the softness and saddness and pain, still makes my heart dance when I dwell on it. Of course now my heart is doing more of a funeral march than anything else. Many of the things I said on Sunday/Monday was out of pain and reaction to several factors. The fact that you considered us temporary, the belief that I still hold of your desire to return to (your ex husband), the constant reminders that I was not much of a boyfriend, the difficulty in working with you every day, the fact that (your ex husband) was over at your place at midnight, apparently my lack of trust, the fact that (your ex husband) wanted you back and with two kids has more of a hold of you than I could probably ever gain, and the disinterest you had in the effort I put into having a nice Christmas with you. Wrap this all up with my usual reactions to any kind of threat, which I don't tolerate from anyone, and you get my overreaction to you coming to me and saying "I'm just going to go home" on Sunday night. I'll say again, I don't respond well to threats.

So I said some foolish things, mostly lies, to you on Monday. I think this is because of a fundemental difference between us, indeed between all men and women. Women want to discuss a breakup, analyze every moment and pick it apart, I guess in an effort to dissect the pain and maybe lessen it. As a man, I do not want to share my misery (ah how sweet) with anyone. I will wallow in my pain alone, suffer it and beat it, and emerge tougher. And you will never know how I suffer. I thought I was done with my heart along time ago, apparently it was still beating because now I feel it has stopped. The things I said on Monday where meant to get rid of you so I could be alone, nothing more, nothing less. You were a light in my life xxxxx, possibly the only light I have seen, the only warmth I've felt, in a very long time. What is love, but a dream?






PS Over the last few days I have come to realize that my favorite moment was out in xxxxxx. I was sad, tired, so very tired, and drained all around. You feel asleep with me on the recliner at my Grandmother's. Waking up, I don't know that I have ever been happier. I only wish I could share what that moment was like. (This was the day of his Grandfather's funeral)


PSS I've noticed that either you made your myspace page private, or specifically disallowed my entrance. I understand, though I only wanted to see you.


The details of the break up if you care for them: We have broken up before and gotten back together before. This time we got in a fight on Christmas...he told me he had stopped loving me months ago and that I needed to leave.


I need help...is this his invitation to try again, to let me know that he still loves me. Or is the "I will always remember you fondly" and indication that he wants this to be completely over? I love him so much and I want to try again but I am not sure if this email was a "I still love you" or a "final goodbye"


Some points of clarification:

1) The "threat" he speaks of is me wanting to go home because he wouldn't get off his video game and it was Christmas Eve.

2) He feels he was a bad boyfriend because he doesn't do the usual boyfriend stuff - flowers, phone calls, emails...anything of the sorts. The inadequacies are in his head because I did everything to show him I love him and don't care for that stuff anyway.

3) He feels threated by my ex because my ex DOES do all the romantic mumbo jumbo and he feels I want/deserve someone to do those things for me.

4) I only viewed us as temporary because we kept doing this song and dance with the breaking up and getting back together. I did everything I could to convince him otherwise, that I wanted to be with him...we even spoke about having kids and buying a house

5) When he says he lied to me Monday - he told me he stopped loving me months ago. Told me he hated my every touch.

6) All these problems are ancillary if he would just discuss them with me. He'd much rather run away. That's why we keep breaking up. But then he realizes I'm not his typical go relationship, that his feelings are strong for me and we always end up back together. If only he can realize a fight doesn't have to turn into a break up we would be golden...

7) Yes...he seems a bit unstable but I love him despite. I know it's stupid but I want to be with him more than anything in the world. My question here is...does he still want to be with me?

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Lady, this guy sounds like a case. Either he was a case to begin with or the breakup made him a case, but still! Sheesh! Some of these lines are really ham-handed and melodramatic! I suspect, however, that you didn't come here to get a critique of his prose, so I'll stop criticizing him.


It sounds to me like he is through with you. He's letting you know that he is not going to talk to you and he's explaining why. He's letting you know that he's in pain and that you are the cause of that pain and that he's trying to get away from that pain.


Did you wrong him in some way? If you did, this e-mail makes sense. If you did not, he's a real jerk who's trying to manipulate your feelings.


Aside from the unsubtle lines ("makes my heart dance?" puh-leez!), this letter sounds like something I would have written to my ex after I broke up with him (if I had been the letter-writing type). He knows it's over. He feels wronged. He's looking for an apology.

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Before you analyze the email and what it means in terms of a relationship-- think about what he said- the reasons that you broke up.


Why is he afraid that you will return to your ex husband?


How recent is that breakup?


There is obviously alot of history between you and your ex husband, with two kids- is there any desire in your mind to work that out?

What sort of reminders did your ex have that he was 'not much of a boyfriend'?

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no...i didn't do anything to him. he doesn't know how to handle arguments. he just runs away from them. he's never had a long term relationship...this is his first real one (almost a yr). I am the first girl he's brought to meet his family. We've done this before...gotten into a fight, he told me it was over and a week later professed his love for me again so we got back together. I agree some of his concerns are real like my friendship with my ex, but it's only because we have children together...but the other things, he just doesn't know how to handle tough situations.

In that case...it means he's a jerk trying to manipulate my feelings.

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hope75: he doesn't do the "romantic things" that my ex used to do all the time. I guess it makes him feel inferior but I love him despite all that. The only obstacle we face is that when we have a fight he needs to learn to leave it as a fight and not turn it into a break up.

Is this even worth pursuing? I know I love him and I have been in so much pain these past few days. My heart fluttered at the thought that maybe this was a way back together...but then again, I was worried it was the final goodbye.

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Melodramatic cliches aside, I would say that these words are very telling. Obviously his wish to end things has a lot to do with his feeling that you are not into the relationship and still have strong emotional ties to your ex husband. He is clearly feeling insecure with his place in your life. Also, he mentioned he does not tolerate threats. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but I think you need to look long and hard at the words above and see what role you may have played in why things went sour. If you want to be with him, you need to discuss this with him. He is clearly in love with you and hurting.

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Hope - she does want to be with him.


Lostinlove - yup, he's trying to manipulate you. Since you did nothing to hurt him, he has no right to send you this e-mail. This is the e-mail of a victim. He's trying to get you to beg for his forgiveness. Whether or not he'll take you back is irrelevant - he sounds like a seriously mixed-up dude. I wouldn't trifle with him any more. He broke up with you, remember?


Speaking as someone who used to get lame, emotional e-mails from her ex all the time, do yourself a favor and block him.


I'm sorry you're in pain.

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but the problem is that i DO want to be with him...i am questioning whether he wants another shot at a relationship though. I would be more than willing to approach him to start again but I am so very afraid that it's not what he wants and he is trying to tell me that in this email.


kr356: I have never tried to make him feel inadequate. I have done everything in my power to show him that all I care about is being with him. His inadequacies are in his head. And i love him despite......

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Hey lost-


Well, reading this letter reminded me of letters I have written in the past. The details are different but the underlying theme is the same: the man is a mess. I have been a mess before and this man is a mess. Full of contradictions, expressions of pain, sorrow, blame, love, 100 other feelings, philosophic renditions of man vs. woman, and grandiose metaphors, yes, I have done this before. Grief has kicked him in the and out comes this, spewing from every orafice of his body...


It sounds confusing because it is confusing because the person who wrote it is confused. In hindsight after doing things like this, I have always asked myself why it took a break up and grief to be able to see all this and motivate action. The reason I came up with was that I was trying to avoid the grief by making go away by returning to the familiar place of the relationship. I was confusing and mistaking pain, grief, and "missing her" with "if I feel like this, we must be meant for each other."


A couple of things that really speak to me here are the facts that you guys have broken up and gotten back together before and the laundry list of reasons he threw at you for what happened recently, i.e.,


The fact that you considered us temporary, the belief that I still hold of your desire to return to (your ex husband), the constant reminders that I was not much of a boyfriend, the difficulty in working with you every day, the fact that (your ex husband) was over at your place at midnight, apparently my lack of trust, the fact that (your ex husband) wanted you back and with two kids has more of a hold of you than I could probably ever gain, and the disinterest you had in the effort I put into having a nice Christmas with you.


When I read this, I see a ton of issues upon issues to work out here from both sides. Why did you consider it temporary? Why wasn't he much of a boyfriend? Why didn't he trust you? And a bit later on, he says he lied to you. And why do you want to give this another go? What makes you believe logically that anything has or will change?


So what I would do is sit with this awhile. No need to act out of haste or emotion here, this isn't a bomb about to go off that needs to be defused now. I know you're hurting too and have strong feelings for him but try to keep your wits about you and distance yourself from the situation a bit before taking action. Let the confusion with him and within yourself settle down a bit before doing anything. Otherwise you are going right back into a mess...

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From what he has written, it appears that he still loves you but somehow thinks that you'd be better off without him. I do not know why he thinks so, hence I cannot comment on whether or not that is right.


You need to sit down and have a talk with him about this. Such matters cannot and should not be discussed over email.

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friscodj: to answer your q's - i saw us as temporary as a reaction to the constant break ups. I always told him that I wanted to prove otherwise but the thought stuck in his head.

he wasn't much of a boyfriend because he never did much anything "boyfriend like" - phone call, emails, flowers...none of that. And I didn't care. I still love him.

He lied to me when he told me he had stopped loving me.

He didn't trust that my ex husband and I were not going to get back togther. We see each other every other day practically but it's only because he lives 5 minutes away and we have kids together. I have no desire to go back to my ex.

As for why anyone loves who they love - I don't know. I know I am happy with him. I know I don't care about all the little things he has such a problem with. I know that all I want in the world is to be with him right now. I dont know why...but I know I do.

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This sounds like a goodbye letter. He sounds like he still has feelings for you but is ready for you and him to move on personally. If you are still curious about his intentions and you are actually willing to try again. Contact him back and ask him directly. It would never hurt to try. Take your time and make the best decision for you.


Good luck to you.

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I suppose I'm only torn because he's written me one of these before.


Heart of my heart,

I'm sorry to have reacted that way to your touch. But I can't be too close to you without being with you, at least not for a while. I don't trust myself to be too close too you. When you're close generally all thoughts and rationale fly out the window. I need to be strong now, at least that's what I'm trying to do.

I know now that I can never make you happy. I wish to god that I could make you happy. Everything tastes like ashes. My head hurts, my stomach aches, how could you think this isn't hurting me? I do want to give you everything you could ever possibly need, but what do we do when our interests conflict?

At first I wanted to be there for you through your difficult times. But I think I went about that in the worst possible way. I think I made a mistake when I added the tug and pull of our love on top of what you are already experiencing in your life. I was stupid and foolish. I regret my stupidity; I regret my foolishness; I regret my pride in believing that as long as I was just with you everything would be okay, that my love alone could sustain you. I do not, however, regret one second of the time we spent together. I still believe, and will always believe, that I am better for knowing you the way I know you. Whatever you may think of yourself, I know you to be wonderful beyond words, beyond any description. I am so sorry that we are not compatible. But I will always be proud to have known you, hopefully to know you, if you will keep me in your life in some fashion.

I will be here for you, despite anything that may happen, I am here. I love you. Please, please, please know that I love you.

Lovingly stubborn,

hopelessly prideful,

forever yours,




This was the letter he sent me back in August. We got back together a week later and stayed together until Christmas. I guess this is the reason why I am confused about the one he sent me today...is he saying goodbye? Or is he wanting me to make another attempt?

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there is nothing in his most recent email about asking for YOUR FORGIVENESS, he doesn't even ever APOLOGIZE, he NEVER asks for ANOTHER CHANCE, so in conclusion that email is all about HIM, and him wanting to alleviate his emotional responsiblity to you, or to himself...


Trust me, you will NEVER cure this man of himself, and yes, I'm sure he's sexy, exciting, a "project" but forget it, as painful as it is, have the self respect to really SEE this man for WHO HE ACTUALLY CHOOSES TO BE and not for who you "hope" he might be someday..


You have a life, a real solid life, you are a mother, an ex wife, you have a responsible good relationship with your ex, this new guy is nothing but another child for you to mother. you already have a priority in that department.


So please try to break this 'bad habit' of the 'addiction" to this guy, this grown man who plays video games, and runs away from confrontation, and who only thinks of HIMSELF even in his email, there is NOT one single word about saying "I am so sorry, I'm sure YOU are hurting".. nope, it's all about "why" HE did this or that, or said this or that, or how HE feels.. YUK, that is all I can say.. and in time you will look back and read this and think...


"what was I thinking putting my precious energy into a man who makes choices to protect his own insecurities at every turn without consideration for MY feelings at all, until maybe "my" feelings effect HIM". ugh..


I hope you take some time to NOT respond, or have any contact and to re-gain your mature gift of clarity, for right now your "emotions" are clouded by being "too close" that you can not see clearly.. protect your heart, respect your heart...

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