Why is he keeping me at arm's length?

[melinda1122]

I've had a crush on this guy for about a year and was pretty sure it was mutual. (We'd always flirt when we'd see each other out but never actually spoke). After he came up next to me and smiled, I decided to hand him my number as my girlfriends were leaving, and he seemed really happy that I did.

He called me a few days later and we met out at a bar before the holidays.

He told me he always thought I was attractive as well and bought me drinks for the rest of the night and gave me his full attention. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car but didnt try to make a move (or ask me out). I did have a bit to drink though and thought maybe I turned him off or something by acting a little too forward.

 

After two weeks had passed, I decided to give him a quick text to let him know I would be out at a bar (my last attempt I guess) He immediately texted back and said he would try to make it. He showed up and his face lit up when he saw me. He gave me a big hug and told me he was glad I texted him to come out. He again bought me drinks all evening, gave me his full attention, and asked me twice when I would be getting back from going out of town for Christmas. (I also asked him about his work and he immediately pulled out his business card with his email on it and gave it to me). His hand was on my back for most of the night as well so I was pretty sure there was chemistry. As he walked me to the car though, I felt him keep me at arms length again so I felt very confused. I let him know I had a great time talking to him and he again said he was glad he came out to see me and wished me a merry Christmas. That was it. It's now Jan 1 so should I assume he just wasnt interested?

 

One thing I wanted to add is that this guy has a close friend who is a cousin of my ex boyfriend. Im pretty sure he knows this since he would frequently (up till a few months ago) see me out with him. I am no longer in a relationship with the ex (we are still living under the same roof until Feb 1 when I move out into a new place) so I thought maybe he is aware of this?

I never brought it up to him in conversation and when he asked me about my roomate, I did kind of change the subject and said it was with a female friend. I was afriad if I told him I was still living with the guy, he would no be interested in seeing me, although I did mention to him I was getting a new place Feb 1, and he looked surprised when I said this.

 

 

Do you think this my be why he is keeping me at a distance? I dont plan to contact him again since I have already gone out of my way to show interest. Thanks.

[crazy300]

He probably thinks you're taken or still seeing your ex, or have some other open sort of relationship. Either way, he isnt clear about your relationship status. I think you should call him and be straightforward with him instead of getting drunk at bars and throwing yourself at him.

 

Meet him for coffee or lunch, and just mention that you're single and that you would really like to get to know him better. If he doesnt do anything still, id say hes just flirting around for thrills.

[Batya33]

Hmmm - off topic a bit but what were you doing driving when you'd had too much to drink? And, more on topic, perhaps he doesn't see himself dating a woman who each time he sees he buys drinks for all night - when it comes to a relationship perhaps he is looking for someone who is not as into drinking or going to bars. Did you offer to buy him a drink? Try to pay for yourself at any point? He likely is attracted to you but he may not be interested in dating you. Walking you to your car is a mannerly thing to do particularly if you seemed buzzed.

 

I hope you decide to stop drunk driving.

[melinda1122]

Well, I really suggested meeting him out twice at a bar because we both would see each other out at bars and it seemed like a non-threatening way to get to know someone with no pressure of a date. I did make it a point to only have three drinks the last time we hung out and even stopped drinking before he did and told him I usually only have a few drinks while out, although the last time I saw him, I was a little more irresponsible than normal. We had intelligent converstion all night and I didnt act like a lush or anything. (I tried to make up for the first night I acted kind of sloppy).

The ironic thing is I asked him if he goes out every weekend (since I always see him out) and he pretty much said that he does. (I was actually more concerned that he is more of the going out type than me- usually a sign I suppose of someone who isnt likely to settle down). He always leaves bars somewhat early and doesnt really apporach women though.

[Batya33]

My rule of thumb is that is that if a man is sincerely interested and available he will ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance. He may think that since you are willing to meet him out at bars he doesn't have to put in the effort.

 

I will ask again that you please stop putting your life and the life of others at risk by driving under the influence.

[annie24]

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car but didnt try to make a move (or ask me out). I did have a bit to drink though and thought maybe I turned him off or something by acting a little too forward.

 

agreed. I think the biggest problem here is that you are driving under the influence, potentially putting your life and everyone else's life at risk. He may have walked you to the car to see if you were falling down drunk, not to ask you out. I think you should take a cab if you are out drinking. I think drinking and driving is a far bigger problem than if some guy likes you or not.

 

why he is keeping you at arm's length? maybe you are coming accross to him as a party girl or irresponsible. fine for a girl he wants to hang out with, but maybe he is looking for something more serious.