NC and a sordid tale - now what?

[KoopaTroopa]

Uuuugh. I have kind of a long story here, and I just initiated NC. Any input would be very much appreciated, because I have no clue if I did the right thing, I have no idea where to go from here, and I feel like hell.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of September. It was a long distance relationship. She and I had only been an official item for four months, but we had been friends for longer than that, and had secretly been in love with each other for months. Long story short, a vindictive ex-friend of mine scared/manipulated her into breaking up with me. (Before my GF and I had started going out, she was sending all sorts of mixed signals. I fell for her but was extremely frustrated thinking she didn't return the sentiment and was just jerking me around, plus scared out of my mind because I'd previously considered myself heterosexual. I ended up venting to my friend over email and AIM and basically said a bunch of stuff I didn't mean about my future girlfriend - said she was an ice princess, I hated her guts, all the usual claptrap people say when they're trying to convince themselves someone isn't all that great to begin with to make themselves feel better about unrequited love. Whenever I'd start venting to my friend, she'd wind me up, be all like "heehee, keep going you're so funny when you rant!" and was unbeknownst to me, logging it all and saving it.)

 

You guys do the math from here. GF and I become an item, Vindictive Jerk and I have a falling out (Vindictive Jerk, henceforth known as VJ, was highly manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive, had been for years, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I told her I wanted her out of my life. She was NOT pleased). VJ has dirt on me. Again, you guys do the math. VJ shows GF everything, convinced her I never really loved her, was only obsessed with her, secretly hated her, and then convinced GF (who she knows has hardcore issues with commitment, relationships, trust, and letting people close to her) that I had been stalking her prior to us going out, because I'd looked at a webshots album of her and her friends partying that some friend had linked to from a public blog.

 

My GF freaks out and dumps me. Again, she has hardcore issues with letting people close to her, plus she had a bad experience in the past with someone who really WAS being an obsessive stalker, and VJ knew all this, thus knew exactly what nerves to hit. So GF dumped me. I cried like a baby, GF said she wanted to be just friends, I said okay but then I ran away for a couple weeks after she yelled at me for being dramatic and....well...crying like a baby (this wasn't official NC, just me running off for a week or so to get my strength together). We tried doing the "just friends" thing (read: I was too much of a wuss to do real NC) and we were doing fine these past few months, keeping in touch via the phone and AIM, but I just couldn't get over her. We always had such a great time when we talked, and we have so much in common - every time just made me miss her more and more. Last night, I broke down sobbing while talking to her on the phone and spilled my guts, told her I still loved her more than anything, felt like we never had a chance and wished more than anything we could start again, said the happiest moment of my entire life was the first time I woke up in her arms, etc. YES, I KNOW, BIG MISTAKE. But 1) I was drunk, and 2) it had been building for months and I was literally at the breaking point. She told me she'd been seeing someone else for a few weeks, didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, and was still bothered by the stuff she saw in VJ's little show and tell session. I told her that I thought I might need some time away from her in order to get over her, but that I was scared of losing her as a friend, too chicken to do it, blah blah wishy washy crap. She asked if her not talking to me would help me get over her because she didn't want me to be in pain, but said she didn't want it to come to that because she really liked me as a friend. Like a tool, I was all like "no, don't do that", I told her that she was such a bright light in my life, that I didn't want to throw it away over wayward emotions, that I wished her and her new lover all the best and was just happy she was happy, etc.

 

Truth is, talking to her while knowing she's with someone else is just too damn painful. Earlier this evening I emailed her and told her I wasn't going to contact her for a while, because the bottom line is, I DO need time to get over her. And now I feel like I just chopped my arm off or something. She is seriously the single most important thing in my life, and I KNOW it's not healthy for me to feel that way about her when she doesn't want anything like that from me, but my gods this is the hardest thing I've ever done and far and away the most painful. I just...help!!! Please! Any advice, any input...did I do the right thing? Will she miss me or will she just forget about me with her new boyfriend?

 

She went from telling me she loved me (she NEVER says that to her S/O's - I was the first she said it to) and acting like she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me to breaking up with me. She never cries, but she cried her eyes out when she found out I was in love with her, in public no less - something completely unheard of for her. We always did have a special connection, even before we started dating, and it's something neither of us has ever had with another person. It's just sort of an internal synchronicity combined with a crazy amount of commonalities and a mutual feeling that somehow we'd known each other long before we actually met. The idea of losing that forever is just unbearable, and I'm so so scared.

[faydra]

I really feel that when a woman says she no longer has romantic feelings for a man that she means it. Yes, you do need time to get over her and to deal with your grief over the loss of this relationship.

 

(I broke down sobbing while talking to her on the phone and spilled my guts, told her I still loved her more than anything, felt like we never had a chance and wished more than anything we could start again, said the happiest moment of my entire life was the first time I woke up in her arms, etc. YES, I KNOW, BIG MISTAKE)

 

that's not really a mistake made in telling her how you felt - it was heartfelt and honest and it gave her an opportunity to come back to you if she wanted to. Don't beat yourself up over saying this.

 

Regarding that snake in the grass V, you learned a lesson that will serve you thru-out life which is to always be honest about how you feel about a relationship you're currently in, about your friends, or about anything and to not say the opposite of what you feel just to serve your pride. I didn't say that very well but I hope you can understand what I mean.

 

I think everyone is scared of going on in life alone and without someone they felt was their soulmate. Life is an interesting journey and you'll feel that love again, and perhaps that hurt again. We all have to go thru these experiences but time is a healer and a teacher and I wish you a long life filled with love.

[KoopaTroopa]

LOL we're both women, but in all honesty, she's mentally and emotionally quite male, or at least the social definition thereof. Which just makes things MORE complicated.

 

And gods yes, I definitely learned a lesson with good ol' VJ. I had a gut feeling she wasn't trustworthy from the get-go, but I ignored it. Hell if I ever do that again. And I definitely need to work on keeping my defense mechanisms in check as well, and just admit it when I'm hurt or scared instead of trying to pull the whole macho tough girl act.

 

I'm not so much beating myself up over being honest with her as I am causing drama, which she HATES. Drama pushes her away more than anything else, and me crying out of the blue is definitely drama. The email I sent her was kind of emo as well, which I didn't realize at the time, but looking at it now I cringe. The idea of living without my ex horrifies me. I definitely hope I feel that love again, but I'm still at the point where the idea of even wanting to feel it with another person feels both impossible and like a betrayal.

 

In any case, thank you so much for your response, and for reading my long, rambly, and very disjointed post.

[faydra]

Sorry about that faux pas on my part. It is irrelevant.

 

You have every right to be dramatic and emo - you would be a cold person if you were not.

 

I jumped the gun on the last sentence in my previous reply and didn't mean to be insensitive = of course you feel it impossible and like a betrayal to think about the future/another person.

 

I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain.

[KoopaTroopa]

Oh man, i'm so sorry!! I wasn't offended at all, and I apologize if I gave you the impression I was.

 

I was basically just trying to get thoughts out, not trying to imply you were insensitive. I seriously appreciate the response.