i can't believe this...

[Lost1n7heDark]

truthfully, i am very very annoyed with myself.

 

i have been with my girlfriend (who, might i add, is one of the most amazing people in the world) for almost 4 months now. i know it may seem like such a short time, and seems like i am much too young, but i really honestly think i love her. and i know for sure she loves me. she makes me happy and vice versa.

 

the problem?

 

another girl. first girl i was ever attracted to. first girl i came close to dating. she moved, and now she's back. she wanted to ask me out before, apparently, but she thought i was straight. we knew each other inside out within a week after meeting. then she moved. we kept in touch, but it was somewhat fading, i'm assuming you all understand what i mean by that. then suddenly she just pops right back into my life. we talked and agreed to hang out yesterday. i thought it would just be a friend thing, but i guess my feelings never really went away. we hung out and then it came to be that she stayed the night; she didn't have a ride home. we always got along well, it's just how it was, and how it is. there were just too many signs.

i am rather good at reading people. but the way she acted was so contradictory that i just didn't know what to think. she would often talk about this boy she likes(she's bi, as well as i am), and it really seemed like he was a huge part of her life, but then she'd just do things that would make it seem like she was interested in me. i mean, the night before, she told me, "You're a very big somebody. Especially when we really talked. Now you're a somebody, just not as big(since she moved). That's why we need to chill soon. I don't want to lose you."

she took one of my rings and put it on; one that she's always loved. she, in turn, let me wear one of her rings. she kept saying things; that i was pretty or something about me looked nice, etc. etc. i had my hair up that day and she pulled my hair tie out told me to keep it down, that it looked really pretty down. we sat outside late at night, to smoke and come back in, but we ended up just sitting down and staring out into the night. there were no lights, it was just the night. we sat there in silence for maybe 30 minutes, deep in our own thoughts. then we talked in strange bits, leaving maybe 4-5 minute pauses between each response. then we stopped and sat in silence some more. i dont know how long that time, but i remember hearing her cry silently. we spoke again, and she just had an emotional breakdown. i gave her a shoulder to cry on. both literally and figuratively. we went back inside after a while and went to sleep.

today we woke up and didn't really have plans. we ate and had a lot of fun, just messing around with each other. we had good laughs. i taught her a song on the guitar, we jammed. then we had a playfight, and we just cracked up so hard, cause she was trying to get outside to smoke, but i didn't want to let her, i was trying to break her addiction.

and then we made plans with some other people to go to the movies. while we were getting ready i wanted to keep my hair up, but she wanted me to keep it down. eventually she just let me tie it up, but she did it for me. i wore some new clothes and she said something about how good i looked (which wasn't true. i'm ugly. really.). she told me, "I better apologize to your girlfriend now, cause I'm so hitting on you."

of course i just laughed and said nothing else. we got there and met our friends, the movie we wanted to watch was sold out, so the four of us linked our arms and walked over to a burger place and got some shakes. while we linked arms, our hands touched somehow while we were jauntily walking, and she held onto my fingers. i didn't say anything, she didn't say anything, and the other two didn't even notice anything. we just walked on, but i was very conscious of the fact that she was holding on to my hand, by the fingers, since you can't really hold hands fully when linked arms with four people altogether.

while we were there i was writing on her pants, and i wrote, "My * * * * *."

she said, "You're the only person I'll ever admit to be owned by. I own everyone else." (yes, it was a joke.)

there was a lot of crazy people and things going on in the front of the theatre, and they were all jumping around, screaming and smoking and being....kids, i suppose.

she gets along with those people really well, and i sort of just hung back, but whenever i was with her, she'd always hug me or try to stick her finger in my ear (inside joke) and other things like that. then i dont remember what was going on, but somehow she got a hold of my hand as we were walking towards some other group of people we knew, and interlocked her fingers between mine. i tried to subtly take my hand away; it bothered me a bit, since i already am with someone. but she wouldn't let me. i feel horrible saying this, but it felt...right.

remember how she took my ring? well of course we were going to switch back, but tonight while we were out at a theatre with a whole bunch of people, she said, "Hey, now you have to spend the night at my place sometime, since I stayed over last night....And then you can get this back."

she was supposed to give me back my ring tonight. then when i told her i had to get away from the huge mass of people because i knew my parents would question about them and they were smoking, and i didn't want to smell like cigarettes when i went into the car. i told her that i had to step away because of it. well, a couple of us just walked over to a bench and sat down, talking and such. when my parents finally came, i pointed it out and told her that they were here and that i had to go. she sort of hesitated, then asked, "Do you want me to walk you to the car?"

i just shrugged; there really wasn't a good answer to that question. so she just walked with me, gave me a goodbye hug and as she was walking back she yelled, "Call me!"

it was a far walk from that particular bench to my car. i was surprised she walked me.

throughout the whole time, might i mention, whenever we looked at each other, we didn't even have to talk to communicate. i don't know how to explain it.

another thing? whenever she introduced me to people, it would either be, "This is my cute and pretty little ____" or "This is _____. She would've been my girlfriend if i'd stayed but i moved and now she's got another girl."

 

things like THAT. i just dont know what to do.

 

i love my girlfriend. please don't doubt me when i say i do. we understand each other completely and we talk about so many things. she told me that i knew her better than her own best friend, who she's been best friends with for 3 years. i've only known her for 4 or 5 months. she has been so wonderful to me and i know she loves me a lot. i know how to completely change her mood from very, VERY depressed to happy. in a matter of an hour or so. and we just shared a lot of things with each other.

 

i think, though, the reason this has become an issue is that the other girl; even when i only knew her for a week, knows almost as much. and i know them both. inside-out.

and lately, things have been so weird between me and my girlfriend. we haven't spent any time together since thanksgiving break, and for some reason, she'd been acting so strangely. everyday all she would really say to me was "I feel like * * * * today." "I'm tired as * * * *. I need sleep." or "I don't care." i tried to keep a straight face and help just be there for her, i didn't want to be a burden, but unfortunately i was having a lot of problems, too. i have clinical depression...and many other things. i just became extremely suicidal one particular week, but i couldn't SAY anything. i didn't want to add onto her problems while she was "feeling like * * * *".

things smoothed over before xmas break, but we still haven't seen each other since it started, since she's visiting some relatives.

it's as if we don't really know each other anymore. sort of stranger-like.

 

pretty much i feel like a horrible, horrible person for having feelings for this other girl.

but i don't know what to do. i can't leave my girlfriend. she's been cheated on and hurt so many times that i just couldn't. and i dont want to be another one of those people. not only that, but she's got major depression, too, and i remember her telling me one time that if i ever ran off with some other person, she just wouldn't know what the hell she would do.

 

i am so terrible. i can't believe i feel this way with the other girl. when i'm already with other person, whom i love.

 

if anyone would please, please give me any kind of advice?

 

i know that this is not the worst in the world, and i am nothing but another person out of billions; i am just asking for someone who understands to tell me how to handle this without hurting someone else.

 

thank you for reading through this. really. i am truly grateful.

[mister clever]

you have two people as friends/lovers/interests. be friends with both. see who you are comfortable with and who likes you. see where you find trust. look for trust. trust is love. who do you trust? who trusts you? where are you comfortable. do not take any of it too serious. be safe. do not be led where you do not want to go. slow down. get to know yourself.

[coffeeformylover]

I agree with what they said. You need to figure out what you want. One thing that you shouldn't do is stay with your girlfriend just because you feel like she needs you to. That is one of the worst reasons to stay with somebody. If you don't have feelings for her then move on. I know you still have feelings for her right now, though. Maybe the best thing to do would be to break it off with your girlfriend and figure out what you want. Like you said...if she has been cheated on before you certainly don't want to do that to her again. One thing about people that have been cheated on...it's hard for them to trust others easily because they have been hurt in the past.