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my fiance's an alcoholic

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I have been wanting to talk to someone about this for so long now, but i never knew who i could confide in. none of my family members know, they all love my him, and wouldn't expect it. We have two children together, we have been with each other for three and a half years. Before me he was married to a women for 9 years and he says she always used to yell at him and lecture him for drinking too much. he said she used to call him all kinds of names and pretty much verbally abuse him. But from all hes told me, it was a pretty unstable marriage to begin with.


Anyway, because of this, i feel like i really can't confront him about it. Hes got such a complex about it anyways, and i feel like if i did confront him, he would only try to hide it even more.


Its to the point where every night when he comes home from work, hes gotta have half a bottle of brany and two 20 oz bottles of beer(at least) Hes spending around 60 dollars a week on alcohol. We really don't have that kind of money, especially with two babies.


I love him so much, but i am really scared for him. And i know no matter what he says, he knows he has a problem bc he tries to hide it from me, like if i;m in the bathroon he'll practicall run to the cabinet where he keeps his brandy and suck some down before i get out, or just whenever he thinks i won't catch him he does this. I just have no clue what to do. I want him to be around for our children, i mean hes not a big man at all. Hes probably 140 lbs soaking wet wearing working boots. What should i do?

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This is an extremely complex topic, and based on the information given here, its hard to give precise answers.


But please remember, that it is very easy to end up being a co-dependent and 'enable' his behaviour (f.ex. by hiding it from his family).


I dont have any short answers, but try to look at some of all the littererature written about the subject. There are also organizations for relatives of alcoholics (I think Al-Anon could be a possibility).


Does it affect your family-life besides the money?

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Hugs. You must feel so vulnerable, so stuck right now. But you two can still save your relationship and avoid the ugliness of his earlier marriage.


When you love someone who's dealing with an addiction (as you almost certainly are), there's really only one way to save your relationship, only one loving response. That's to separate until he's no longer behaving like this. Not angrily. Not with accusations. Not even naming his problem for him, just naming what his drinking is doing to you and leaving until he makes the decision and does the work to get back in control of his actions and his health. Leave with love and with the expectation it will only be temporary.


If he loves you, he wants to protect you, but he also wants to protect himself from pain, and his choice of methods for doing this is taking away his ability to act with integrity and compassion. The problem is that being present to observe this will seriously damage the bond between you. Instead of dealing with his own conscience, you become his conscience. Instead of being his equal, you become his superior. Instead of receiving love, you receive increasingly worse mistreatment and incredibly lame excuses, until you're so angry all you can do is scream at him to get out.


Respect him. Be clear that this (the money spent on feeling better instead of parenting, the abusive language, the falling asleep, the lack of energy to play with the kids, the decline in your sex life, the damage to his liver, the missed work days, etc., whichever apply) is his problem alone to solve. Be very clear to him that you know his intentions are better than his behavior, that you still love him and want to be with him. But refuse to risk losing respect for him by being there while he figures out whether the comfort of his drinking is worth the cost to his wife and kids. Be ready to go as soon as you tell him and ready to return only when there's solid evidence he's back in control of his choices again. He doesn't get a say in your departure, only in your return, because you cannot help him make this change in his life and each day you stay is damaging your relationship and his ability to make a full recovery.


Before you make your move, talk to the folks at Alanon (a worldwide, no-cost group for those who love people dealing with alcohol problems) for ideas. Check around with your family and friends to find a safe place to stay (not, for example, with a frail person who might get caught in the middle of an angry outburst as he comes to grips with his problem). Check with your insurance carrier or your community mental health system about treatment options available to him and about what's called an intervention (to help get a person into treatment faster). Ask someone from AA or a treatment facility to be present when you explain that you're moving out for a while.

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my ultimate fear is that i do leave and he only gets worse by drinking more and feeling abandoned, and i loose him for good. I don't know if leaving is such a great idea. We kinda have a history of something like this, before when i was pregnet, he got fired and couldn't find work for 3 months, we had no food and it was pretty hard, so i went to stay with my mom in florida for a little while and it nearly broke us up bc he felt like i abandoned him and didn't "stick by his side" when times were tough. So i wouldn't want to go through that again.

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