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Not so casual sex.......

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Hello everyone,


this is my first post to the forum and I appologize if it gets lengthy. I must also warn you that my story is a bit bizarre. First some background information:


Me: 33 Y.O. male, single - never married, no children, graduate degree, great job, no problem meeting women or getting dates. One big issue with me is that I endured a very traumatic, depressing, and emotionally jarring period in my life these past 8 years. My life was very uncertain and I walled others out and became very unattached. This was my self-defense mechanisim so to say. That is now behind me and my life is finally taking off.


She: 36 Y.O., single - married once/divorced, 3 children (ages 18, 16, & 10), attractive (but normally not my type), no problems getting dates.



I met her around 5 years ago when she was still married. Her and her hubby were experimenting with the swinger lifestyle and invited me to join them. Nothing came of it and I didn't have any contact with her until she had divorced her husband about 1 1/2 years later. It was then that she approached me at bar. Like I mentioned above, she is attractive but not really my type or someone I would have gone after. I have to admit I was thinking with my member and not my head and I used our past encounter as an indicator of what would happen if we got together.


We met at her place and I found her to be a very intelligent, interesting, and we shared a great conversation. From the very beginning, she made it clear that she wasn't into playing games and that protecting her kids was paramount. I also made it very clear to her that all I wanted was a NSA sexual relationship. From here a very satisfying and exciting sexual relationship emerged. We would meet whenever her kids weren't home. We never dated in public, just met for sex and conversation. Although, sometimes it was just sex and run. It was great and exciting. She is a great lover.


Things continued without a hitch and the sex got better and better. One night she freaked out on me and began telling me she needed more than sex from me because she had fallen in love with me. I reminded her that I wasn't looking for a relationship and the night ended on bad terms. I had told myself that I wouldn't have anything to do with her again, but shortly after this incident we were right back at it. Our relationship has continued now for over 3 years with several similar episodes. We have both tried to end the relationship on a few occasions, but we always end up back with each other.


3 weeks ago we got together and she told me she had gotten into a bad situation, but she didn't tell me what it was. We met two more times after that and around a week ago she called me to tell me she wanted to talk to me so we met at her house. She began to ask me what I thought of her and I replied that she was my "friend w/ benefits". She then asked me how I would feel if I saw her with another man. I told her I would be happy to see she had found someone. She then told me that she would marry me if I asked her to and she again professed her love for me. There was a silent moment and then she told me she had been dating a wealthy business man for around 3 months and that he had proposed to her. She went on to say that she wasn't attracted to him and that she didn't love him, but that he treated her really well and spoiled her rotten. She said she couldn't get over the lifestyle she had been living for the past 3 months; the trips to Vegas, shopping sprees, etc. She then asked if she could still see me even if she married him. I told her absolutely not. I just could not have relations with a married woman. She confessed that the night we were together 3 weeks prior was the night he had proposed to her. The night ended with sex.


I didn't really give it much thought. I figured it was meant to end sooner or later and I truly didn't feel affected by it until a few days later. I can't explain why, but some strong feelings began to surface and I couldn't stop thinking about her. My emotions really began to take hold of me and I couldn't really concentrate at work. All I could think of was her and being with her. It's hard to explain, but there is a connection there, some sort of bond between us that I just couldn't and didn't want to break. I have seen her battle back from some very tough situations from a divorce to the death of some of her close family members and through to her career change. She is a stong, resiliant, and intelligent woman and I couldn't deny that I had feelings for her.


Around a week later I sent her a text message asking if she was really going to get married. Her reply stated that she had called it off because she couldn't go through with it. It was too soon and she still loved me. She asked to see me and I met her at her home. We began to talk and I finally told her about what I had been going through for the past 8 years and how I was confused about my feeling for her. She said she finally understood why I was so detached. I told her how these feelings surfaced days after she told me she was getting married. I admitted that deep down inside I didn't want her to marry that guy, but I was really disappointed she would even consider marrying someone she didn't love. I let her know that I didn't want things to change and that I knew I was being selfish. I basically told her exactly how I was feeling at the time. It felt great to open up to her and we talked the night away before we had one of the most intense sexual experiences we've ever shared. The next night we met again and had a very deep conversation about life and our experiences. It was such a cleansing experience and we both agreed that there is deep connection between us.


We have been talking on the phone for the past two nights and have been real up front and honest with each other. Now I am really confused about the whole situation. My friends think I should just break it off and walk away, but deep down inside I think I'm falling for her. She has even told me she would stay away if I needed some time. I don't want to prolong the ordeal, but yet I don't want to rush into anything either. This experience is deeply intense and chaotic. I would appreciate anybody's advice and insight. Thanks.

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Wow! Congratulations for opening up to her about your feelings, that is very brave and honorable.


It sounds like she was testing you by announcing to you that she might marry a man she does not love. 2 things: She was testing you because she was unsure of how you felt. And also, she was making it very clear that she DID NOT love this other man. For all you know, she made it up. But, besides the point, you two obviously have feelings for eachother.


You should not listen to your friends, it is not their experience, nor their heart. It is yours. Be honest with her, as you already have, and tell her you need to not rush into this, if that is what you want.


I guarantee she will appreciate it and reciprocate!!!!!

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Well, my advance apology for being nosey, but what to do next depends on how your current emotional state of mind is and if you're truly have over come the issues of the last eight years. My question thereforeeee is why and how was your issue so traumatic to your life? And, what are you doing to continue the "fix" for this issue?

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Personally, I don't think this woman is very healthy (emotionally), reliable or loyal. I would like to know if how she is conducting her life regarding men is how she would like to see her daughter or son regard relationships. I think you are feeling vulnerable right now and I wonder how much of your feelings are love and how much is it that you got used to a regular sex partner. She had sex with you the same day someone else proposed to her. That is pretty gross. That she would even consider marrying someone just because he gives her a luxerious lifestyle shows you how shallow she really is. Yes, she may not have gone through with it in the end, but the fact that she even thinks that way is a big red flag.

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Thanks for your input CaliGirl!




I am ashamed to admit it, but 8 years ago while attending college I roomed with someone who was engaged in illegal activities. We were both arrested and charged. I was looking at 10 - 15 years minimum in State Prison for something that I had no involvement in. After spending 3 years in the state courts, the case was transferred to a Federal Court because of new evidence which had been uncovered. after 5 long years I was cleared of any wrong doing this past May and he was convicted of the crime.


Throughout the ordeal I was on the verge of losing everything. In fact, I suffered a heavy financial loss defending myself. I could have plead out on several occasions, but I was genuinely innocent and was bent on proving it. However, I knew that going to trial was all or nothing and that if I was convicted I would be going upstate for a long time. This would have definitely ruined my life.


I had to pray for the best and prepare for the worst so I began to build barriers between myself and people. Especially women. I just didn't want to risk falling in love with someone and dragging them into the hell I was living. My life was filled with uncertainty and I didn't know what the future held for me. The ordeal was very stressful and emotionally draining. I spend every waking hour thinking about what might happen to me and how I was on the verge of losing all that was dear to me in this life. I battled anxiety and bouts of depression on occasion, but I knew I had to remain strong if I was to have a chance. So for 8 long years I trained myself to be detached and put my life on hold. This past May the prosecution dropped their case against me and the monkey was finally off my back. It took awhile to finally sink in, but since then my life has changed for the better. I was able to complete grad school and landed a great job that is both rewarding and fullfilling. I will concede that I have some emotional baggage from that experience, but I've been able to deal with it by just talking about it and allowing myself to "destress".


However, I have questioned whether such a huge change in my life is a bit overwhelming for me at this time, but I must tell you the change has all been positive up to now. I don't know if it's somehow clouding my mind with respect to my feelings for this woman. Spending time with her was a refuge from the stress of my life and she was there with me for a large part of it without knowing. I have also thought that maybe I'm just afraid of losing that "safety zone" by letting her go. Like I said I'm really confused. Thanks for your insight.

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CaliGuy, thanks for opening up. You're well on your way to healing this and now you can put it behind you. My suggestion is to take it slow as you find your new identity in your positively hopeful life before you start to work on her emotional issues based on her past actions.


Now the question is: Is she emotionally ready for a healthy relationship? This is a question that only you can answer and if there is anything I can say is do your homework. As with you, her issues can only be fixed by her, so, you can lead her to the source for her answers and give her time to fix it. Just be there for her if you truly care and she will love you more for this help.


As for your friends, remember that when you vent to them you may show them a biased view of who she represents and thereforeeee affect their advice. Follow your gut feeling since it's the sum knowledge, experience and intelligence that you've acquired through out your life. I'd suggest to work it out with her in private and leave your friends out. After all she is the future best friend that will truly care for you the most.

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In light of what you just added, I would really caution you to be very careful. I wonder if your new found feelings for this woman is really just the relief talking. It is great that you are making positive changes but make sure this whole relationship thing is about loving the woman she is and not simply about gratitude or the notion of "wow, I am really free now to love a woman so she is here I may as well love her". There are plenty of good women out there, women who would not be dating a man for three months while still engaging in a sex with benefits relationship. Also remember that she has three children....if your relationship moves beyond what it was, you will now be in contact with them. How do you feel about that?

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My thought is this: what's the hurry? I understand that this relationship has been on and off for you two, however, given that you have finally opened up to her this truly could be like a fresh start. I would give it some time, and letting her know fully that there is no guarantee, but that you are enjoying her and the relationship right now. If she truly meant that she would give you time, and truly loves you, then I have to believe that she will understand and accept this. This will allow you time to really determine if your new found feelings for her are genuine, or if they are just part of the healing process of your last 8 years.

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I want to thank all of you for your advice. It has been really helpful.


Crazyaboutdogs, you bring up some very good points about her behavior. Her actions are what hurt me the most. I know she's a better person than what her behavior portrays her to be, but nonetheless, it provides an example of what she's capable of. Needless to say, she does have some issues she needs to deal with and her actions still don't sit well with me. I have also wondered if my feelings are just the "relief" and maybe I'm just trying to love her because I know she has such a wonderful potential.


WildChild, you're right. I shouldn't rush into anything, but I was feeling a sense of urgency for some reason. I guess I just want a quick solution to this issue, but I should know better. Again, it's been quite a ride for me up to this point.


I met with her last night and further discussed the issue. I let her know that her actions hurt me because I know she is a better person than that and because I care for her. She conceded that she was ashamed of what happened and couldn't really explain why she did it aside from being swept up in the moment. Another red flag?


She then told me that she did love me, but that maybe she should let me go because I deserved better. She began to talk about how she had baggage (her children) and how it would probably affect my parents/family negatively. She said I deserved someone younger, beautiful, without the baggage. She was in tears at this point. My heart sank when I heard her talk like that. I told her to stop and to never consider herself as "not good enough" for anybody. I told her she was better than that. I told her that we both have issues and emotional baggage to deal with and we promised to be there for each other.


At this point, I feel great about openning up to her and letting her know why I had been acting this way for so long. I also appreciate her honesty. We now have a better understanding of each other and we both agreed to take it slow and work on our issues. I'm still a bit numb and confused about the whole thing, but I guess time is my best friend at this point.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I had been enjoying getting to know her. I do feel a very deep connection with this woman. However, she just dropped another bomb on me and I guess I'm still a bit in shock. She recently told me that she had been diagnosed with GH about 2 years ago. She knows who gave it to her and has confronted him. She tells me that the news drove her into a crazy depression and that she felt her life was over. Aside from the guy that gave it to her and her doctor, I'm the only person she has told. She claims she's been meaning to tell me but was afraid and confused. She feared that I would disclose her secret and she would be ostercized socially. She was also afraid of what it would do to her kids. Lastly, she claims she was in denial for awhile.


She slept with me before she finally broke down and told me. I don't have any symtoms and haven't had an OB, but I plan on getting tested. As you can imagine, I lost it when she told me. I felt betrayed and scared. Cooler heads prevailed and I told her we could get through this.


I do love her so much, but I can't get over these two hurdles. I ask myself if I can be with someone who is capable of putting themselves before my own health and life. I know that she has also exposed other men she's been with. I just don't know anymore. How can a person just jump in bed with someone she's not attracted too simply because of his money? How can you continually profess your love for someone while at the same put him at such a risk?


I know I'm not perfect and have my own issues and skeletons in my closet, but regardless of how low I've sunk, I could never see myself doing the things she does. Whenever I ask her why she did these things she never has an answer. This relationship was dysfunctional from the get go. She was coming off an abusive marriage and I was going through my trauma. Our relationship was based on NSA sex. Even now Im reminded of how she has professed her love for me since around a year into our relationship, but I rejected it. I played my share of games.


I'm just confused and feel very spent. I love her, but I'm afraid I'm reaching my breaking point. Now I'm worried about having GH which would completely change my life. I have completely changed my perspective on sex. It has it's place and is a beautiful thing, but if abused it can lead to dire consequences. Again, I'm enduring a gamit of emotions and confusion.

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Must admit, after I read the first post in this thread, my reaction was "What's the problem?". By that, I meant it was plain that she felt strongly for you, and although you didn't say so at that point, it was fairly plain that you felt strongly for her as well. I had a real sense that the connection between the two of you was so powerful that you could overcome the circumstantial difficulties that surrounded you.


Now you have a different, and more difficult challenge. Both of you need to change, in some quite fundamental ways. You need her not to to be willing to hide things for convenience anymore (this is the same trait that led to both the things that you rightly object to in her behaviour). And she needs you to be willing to be there for her, emotionally, and no longer subject to repression, which is lowering your resistance, and putting your breaking point nearer than it would otherwise be.


I genuinely think that if your connection is as strong as the impression you've given in each post, then you really should try to work this out, both make the necessary changes, and ride off into the sunset together. There are no insurmountable difficulties here. Take a risk. Live your life. Live it with someone you have a strong connection with.

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