Need ur help! Had upper hand with ex now feel I messed up!!!

[reborn]

Hi Guys,

Need your support, help, advice again. I had been doing really, really good. It has been 5 months since my ex dumped me. Told me he was not in love with me, yadah, yadah, yadah. I guess the details don´t matter much at this point. He moved back home 2 months ago. During this time he has emailed 4 times. The last 2 mails came one right after the other preety much and in the last one he said how he wanted to call me to see how I am doing first hand, but he called my old number. I didn´t tell him I had changed it. I didn´t change it for him, though. JUst changed to a cheaper system.

In any case. I have been playing really cool. Aloof but nice. I guess that did get his interest. But then was so tempted when he sent me that last email that he wanted to call me. So after some days I answered him, making up some lie that I had been away on a short but fun vacation and had not answered any emails at the time. Then I told him I had gone back to using my old number for a while now, Then proceeded to write my old number. Then I said well, hope you are doing good, and working hard. take care.

That was it short, and ok. Yet that was 2 days ago and he still hasn´t called. Now I am a reck. I don´t want to look into meaning of why he has kept in touch. but now I can´t help it. Also I keep wondering why he hasn´t called me after 2 days of giving him my number. Help, help, help!

I need to gain some sane perspective on this. Why do you guys think he is up to by wanting to say hi? Calm me down please. Thanks a lot. Do reply.

[digitaldiva]

I commend you for being able to hold your own when you did speak to him... Speaking to someone on the phone is very personal. He may not be ready for that. Seems as though e-mail is his most comfortable form of contact..I say, don't be rude but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how anxious you are to hear from him. If he e-mails you again speak to him politely but don't interrogate him about not calling you.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Be Careful,

 

To much aloofness will make him think he has lost you forever....you have to first understand and try to take yourself out of the situation first..then you can see where his mental is. If you have been acting too aloof he may feel like he will seem to desperate if he calls you again right away..Give him (and I know this is going to feel like forever...but) a whole week. I would be utterly shocked if he didnt call you by then, and even if he didnt call him in about a week and ask him how he is doing, (no sooner then a week though or you'll look deperate and all you have been working on will be for nothing) tell him you were just wondering how he was and keep it really short and sweat. Then say...well hey "I gotta run, but I just wanted todrop you a line sinceyou crossed mymind. Leave it there. This will say two things to him.

 

1. She's not desperate,....she waited a whole week to call me and

2. She said I was on her mind.....there maybe a chance...

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Scratch that.....DOn't call him, in a week email him in a week...but only email....if he doesnt seem to be interested then ...you may need to go through the grieving process for real this time and move on without him. Surely you dont think thisis the only man who will ever love you. Hey who knows the next guy might actaully love you and stay there!

[reborn]

Thank you Sweety Pie and Digital Divas for taking your time to answer my request. Your advice was really helpful and much appreciated.

To those reading, please keep the advice coming. I am still sort of stress and need people´s support at the site.

Question: Do you think he may be interested if he wants to call? Could it just be that there were no hard feelings between us at the end of our breakup? Please keep in mind that He broke up with me, and seemed to make it clear at the time of the breakup that he wasn´t interested in the chance of continuing a romantic relationship with me. Do you think it means something that he has kept the contact?

Thanks for the advice.

-Reborn.

[Genesis]

The same thing happened to me. My ex broke up with me then started to contact me. He said he would call but then did not call! I figured he just wanted to know how I was doing? I did not call him because I felt like if he wanted to be more that just "friends" he should be a man and call me.

 

Well a month later he called. He said that he loved me and should have never broken up with me. He thought that if I gave him another chance things would be better. Well I asked him why did he say he was going to call, when he did not call. He said, "I thought maybe you would call me." When we were together I used to chase him and call all the time! When we first broke up 5 months ago he told me that he was"In love with me but not , in love with me" and that he "loves me like a sister", then he retracted that statement the next day. Now five months later he wants me back? I do not see how you can go from "love ya like a sister" to I want you back. This is the reason why I am skeptical of getting back together with him.

 

Now we talk on the phone every 3-4 days. Sometimes we talk everyday too. I am just trying to be cautious with him b/c I do not know if he will do this to me again. I am NOT playing hard to get, I am just being skeptical of him right now. I want to take things slow, it is like we are dating from the beginning again. I want his love to be geniune so we both must be patient with each other.

 

Reborn, you are in the breakup phase right now. He is not going to call you right on the spot like when you were dating, give it some more time. He may be scared to call you? Give him at least two more weeks to call. If he does not call in two weeks send a email. There is such a thing as playing TOO hard to get. Let him be the first one to express his feelings, that way you will have nothing to loose. You can call him if you would like, but do not discuss the relationship or the past right now. Just remember he may not want to get back together with you , he just wants to see that you are doing ok. He may not want to send out too many signals that he wants to get back together yet, if he does not know what he wants. He may just be trying to get rid of his guilt for breaking your heart. Who knows do not get your hopes up I did not. He may never call.

[reborn]

Hi guys, well here is a little update!

First of all thank you Genesis for your reply. I was secretly hoping you would see my posting as I really like your view on things when you have answered my postings before. So thank you friend!

So, here is the update. Fridaý night, around 11pm the ex called. I was sort of dozing off, taking a little nap before getting ready to go out with mz friends. The conversation was about 34 minutes long (my cell phone has a timer) and it was nice. We laughed a lot. I am quite a funny person (though you guys only hear me whine here on the forum ). In any case I was just natural. I acted as I would with a close friend in the sense that I was myself. We just spoke about what we have been up to. He did most of the talking. I ended it. Said, well I have to get up and shower now, as I am going out in a while. He laughed cause he knows I usually take long. Then he said he was happy to talk to me. I didn't say anything. I just said thank you for calling_______, glad you are doing well. Say hello to your family for me.

 

So that was it. No relationship talk nothing. I am glad at how I handled it. It is kind of disappointing, because well, there was nothing more than frigging frienship. Then again... I know I cannot change how someone else feels. I will just see how things develop from now on and go on with my life. I have no other sane choice.

 

Sometimes I do wonder though, if that is the right attitude to have with someone that dumped me. I am natural and my self and in good cheer when we talk. Maybe I should be more distant. It angers me somehow that he gets to be my friend, even though he doesn't love me. Then again, part of me feels proud that I can rise above it.

 

Also I think it is the only way to get back together. Just to be friends and let things maybe develop from there. I never persue him. If he emails I don't answer right away either. However I am pleasant and friendly when he calls. He did made up his mind though about not loving me or wanting to ever go back with me romantically. He told me from the beginning he didn't consider this at all. So, what do you think? I don't know if I am letting my self be dragged by my own self into frienship zone with ex?

 

Well thanks for reading this. Looking forward to your comments.

 

-Reborn

[Genesis]

When he called did he say that he made up his mind or was that months ago? My ex said the same thing and now wants me back. The very first phone call was about getting back together. It still does not mean that he can not change his mind again but you never know.

 

 

You can be his friend but try not to talk to him too much, because I think you still want him back. It may hurt youto just talk to him all the time when you want more than he can give. Maybe he wants to come back, people change their minds. Before he did not have enough space to really think about things. Now that he has be on his own for five months maybe he see what went wrong. I do not know all these ex problems we are having are giving me a headache!

 

I think you could be friends your ex. That way he can be a witness to you moving on without him! Like many people have told me he is going to have to work to get you back, if that is what his plans are.

[reborn]

Hey guys, hey genesis//thanks for your reply.

Who am I fooling_ Certainly not me. I know my ex better than anyone. I know his reacitions and even what the tone of his voice means. We had also broken up 2x before this so I know how it is when he wants to come back. I know how he has acted in the past when he has wanted this and the sort of thing he has said.

Last night in his phone call he acted totally normal. Like a friend. Like someone that has been broken up for 5 months. Like it should be.

His life seems to be going very well. He didn't show off or want to come accross as that, but he is a happy with his job now, and it seems that aspect of his life that were not going totally well when we were together (not in any way having to do with the relationship), seem to be going great now. He is even less anxious now about his future, and has a better idea of what he wants to do.

He moved back home 2 months ago (3 hours away), and though he doesn't yet know what he will do and there is a posibility he will move back to where I live now, he didn't mention this.

About me he asked normal questions. But for example when i said I was going out that night and had to leave him, and that they were picking me up. Or when I spoke about "we" going on a short vacation. He didn't ask who was picking me up or who I had gone on vacation to. I didn't say this on purpose. Yet, I do think that if he would have seen me even remotly in a romantic way he may be curious to ask.

So yes, genesis, I admit it I would like for him to want to come back. I am moving on with my life. I completely forget about him and about what happened and do feel stronger and a better person most of the time lately.

I feel I have learned my lesson, but truth is it is difficult for me not expect something else out of this friendship. I know that is a "no/no" and something I shouldn't feel but I cna't help it. I haven't pursued him I have gone on with my life. Yet I still have feelings for him and wished that he did too. I fully understand however that I cannot control another person's feelings.

I wish I could help not wanting more of this friendship. Hopefully I can change my self.

 

This is my dilema. It was very painful for me to go from love to a pseudo friendship in a blink of an eye with my ex. I know relationships deteriorate over time. I am sure mine was no exeption, but I really mean it when I didn't see it coming that it was going to end so abrudly.

My ex did a 180 on me. He is a good man, he never mistreated me, he didn't cheat or lie. He just felt overwhelmed at one point from his life preassure and from problems I was having in my life and poured into the relationship that he just withdrew from feelings. They seemed to suddenly change. And he acted accordingly.

You can't blame someone for not loving you anymore, for feeling they love you as a family member all of a sudden and not wanting to continue in a relationship with you. Love is not an obligation.

I accept my responsability of the relationship and accept it was not a good relationship// otherwise it wouldn't have ended, right_

But this things did hurt me profoundly and also the fact that in his last month in my city he decided not to see me because he was not in love with me. For me he was a very important person here. The whole thing doesn't make sense anymore, but the thing is I was deeply hurt by this. Again, you cannot blame someone for wanting to distance themselves from you. I understand he did what he had to do and this was the best he could do.

However, he stopped loving me, pushed me away totally yet I still responded politely to to his emails or phone calls. In this way I showed I had my dignity also respected his decision. Since the breakup he has been the one contacting me and does so at least 2x a month. In a way I have sort of blended into this psedo frienship. Whe he has contacted me I have never been rude. Neither have I thrown my self at him. I have handled it, and wanted him to see I was "moving" on from this. And not givng him the satisfaction of seeing me suffer. So, I have been curtious, polite and friendly to a the appropriate degree whenever he has made contact. But all he seems to want is strictly a friendship. Since the breakup, I feel I haven't had a break. Again he does not contact me all the time but one or twice a month.

Whe he called I am still friendly and natural and funny and laughe with him like I used to.

But part of me, feel cheated. Even if it was not his fault he hurt me. He rejected me, he withdrew his love and presense from my life abruply. He pushed me away and kept me at an arms distance because I felt feelings for him.

Feelings are not like a frigging light bulb. I had no indications it was going to end.

Three wasn't a deterioration in the relationship. we didn't have fights, we can still relate very well and still can enjoy each other's company. Even the physical attraction is very strong. but I guess it wasn't deep enough from his part. I don't know. It was a shoker to me the extend of his withdrawal of feelings.

And here I am being friends to him.

I don't want to in a way. Part of me feels like I have been so understanding and mature and diplomatic about it. He gets all the best part.

Oh, relationship too stressful, goes out. Well, I still like "reborn" she is funny, and nice and I really like the positive part of her personality so he calls me and there is "reborn" the friend.

Yes, I do want something back. And yes a part of me wants to deny him my friendship and tell him to F///k Off.

But then again, how can you blame somebody for not loving you anymore. Love is not an obligation.

I don't know what I am going to end up doing. Sometimes I want to write him a letter and be totally honest. But my friends tell me not to be foolish and make him feel important by showing him how he hurt me. That besides it has been 5 months. That I should just block him from my email and not answer his phone callsl

But part of me WANTs to let him know how he has hurt me. Part of me feels that being diplomatic,and friendly to him is letting him down easy for hte crime he has commited against my heart.

Ok guys, this was quite long. Thanks if you have read this far. I actually don't expect replys to this and didn't write it for that purpose//however do feel free to comment if you want. MOre than anything I wanted to let it out. Thanks again for ur time.

[Genesis]

I loved my ex very much but it hurt me too much to stay in contact with him. With one of my ex's I contacted him by e-mail for many years , and I felt like by doing this I was not getting over him. I only send him an e-mail on his birthday now. If you need your space to get over this relationship then you should do that. I think he does want to relieve himself from his guilt , and he thinks he is doing that by remaining friends with you. I think you should just not anwer his calls you can reply to his emails 1-2 weeks after the date it arrived.

 

Talking to him is certainly not going to help you right now!! I do not know how long you guys dated but it takes half of the length of the relationship to get over it. I think he wants to be the good guy , but he must realize by talking to you all the time he is just re-opening your wounds. The best thing you can do is to , not be his friend(right now, maybe in the future) b/c now you are just being fake. You really are not his friend, you want more, and you resent him for not wanting a relationship with you. I would feel the same way.

 

I told my ex that he really hurt me , but it still hurts today. Even if you told him how he hurt you it is still going to hurt, it will not make you feel better. He would have to be a fool if he did not know how he hurt you already. I told my ex even before we broke up that I do not remain friends with my ex's. It really hurt him b/c our friendship was what he treasured so much. I did not talk to him or e-mail him at all, until recently. I think you should give yourself a month or two to think about if you really want him as a friend right now. My advice would be to speak to him less, not every 2 weeks. You can talk to him maybe every month or so. He may want you back who knows he may just be playing it cool. Not all men are jealous or nosey about your where abouts. Right now his friendship is hurting you. I think you should stick to the e-mail and avoid the calls until you are ok with him not wanting to get back together.