Trying NC but now she is contacting me...

[krnelson2]

So for those of you who dont know, after two months of being totally depressed and continously chasing and begging my ex to come back I finally decided to go NC for awhile. Prior to NC I would contact her daily and send her short texts just letting her know I was thinking about her and that I loved her. Most of the time she did not reply at all, if she did she was really short with me. She said she was very confused and that all of the nice compliments were really hard to take (the last two years we were together I never really showed her much affection and love and all of a sudden I was). So I met with her and told her I thought it was best for both of us to not talk for awhile and figure out who we both were as individuals. The first day of NC she wrote me a message on facebook thanking me for talking with her and told me that she really did appreciate all the nice things i had been saying. The second day we ran into each other at the mall, it was kind of weird, but I sat down with her and her friend for just a few minutes to catch up, but I kept it short and then left. Then over Christmas I broke NC just to say Merry Christmas, again she was making excuses to not see me. So last night I dropped her gift off at her house when she wasnt there and left town. I have not talked to her since, but she has been texting me thanking me and telling me how sorry she is for hurting me the last 2 months. This was last night about an hour or two after I left the gift on her front step. I didnt respond. Then today I get the following message:

 

"****, i feel horrible about yesterday. And I know all the apologies in the world will never forgive me but I am sorry. I have been the worst person to you in the last two months and I hate myself for it. We have been through so much and I have been a jerk. I am sorry."

 

I wanted to respond so bad but didnt. Is this just NC taking its course. Is she really missing me? I dont really know what to think about it. Should I say anything back? Why all of a sudden is she wanting to talk? i just dont get it. Has this happened to anyone else, if so what did you do and how did things end up. Please let me know.

[honeyspur]

I would not say anything. I see from your post above that she is going back and forth with you and you really can recognize her confusion.

Clearly you understand her quite well.

But she does not know herself as well and is currently in some turmoil over that.

Her apology is genuine.

But it is important to not contact her until her texts/emails become clearer and more progressive. These statements of how she's feeling are a good sign, so i would allow yourself to feel good at this time. But maintaining NC is going to help her as well as you. Give it another day and concentrate on these triggers that drive you to want to call/text her. Focus on changing the message in your brain that goes off to one of confidence in your decision.

It's healthy to your relationship. It's supportive of her. tomorrow, if she writes again, give her a short reply encouraging her that you are open to what she has to say.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[krnelson2]

Thank you honeyspur! Your reply really made me feel good, and it was what I was thinking as well. If I do reply what do I say so that I dont reopen this line of communication that has been hurting me so much. I want her to know that I still want to get back together, but dont want to sound needy. I have been having a really good couple of days with the whole NC thing. But I feel if I reply to her now I will fall back to where I was, but I still want to I think. I really feel that everything she said is genuine. And I dont want her to think that I am mad at her at all, but I think she really needs some time to think about this. The whole comment about "we have been through so much" makes me know that she has been thinking a lot about us recently.

[honeyspur]

She is thinking about you every day. She probably hasn't stopped this whole time you've been apart. Relationships take so much focus from a person it is hard to give it up.

They say it takes the entire length of the relationship to get over it - which is why we feel so crummy for so long.

sometimes, when apart, we are allowed enough silence to see it was just our own feelings about ourselves that was the problem - not the other person. This sounds like the direction she is leaning in.

It is definitely a good sign

[krnelson2]

So how do I go about contacting her without hurting myself again?

[honeyspur]

Choose to not be hurt. Unconditional love is about showing support and compassion without expecting anything in return. No attention, no comfort, no affection - nothing. It takes tremendous confidence and courage to accept this type of relationship.

Abused people need to be healed and cared for in order for them to learn how to do it for another person.

By remaining unconditional with her, allowing yourself to be free from anxiety and getting on with your own relationships and hobbies - you will literally teach her how to do it.

How to be one who gives as well as receives.

Start thinking about dating other people and focusing less on her. Be there for her as it fits around your daily life.

Show her your love goes beyond the boundary of need.

 

in turn, you will become more comfortable with it as you adapt to the change. You are a good person and, frankly, a stronger one right now.

You have the power to change things around you.

[krnelson2]

Is silence always a bad thing? If she stops contacting me does that mean that its over and she probably wont again. I still havent contacted her even after her message this afternoon (see above). But almost want to let her know that I'm not mad at her and realize that she did what she had to do. But I had such a good day today and the NC is going so well. Just a little unsure here.

[honeyspur]

Well, remember NC is most successful if you can get through a string of days in a row (like a week). Most people are so habitually tied up in the other person they never make it.

If she doesn't contact you with clear explanations and direct questions, it's best not to answer. She may never contact again since anything is possible. But if she goes that route, then it is not a relationship you should pursue - since she is not capable at this time.

Realize not being with you might have very little to do with you. If she's so emotionally wrecked, trying to be involved with her may be too much pressure.

Allow this time to be a much-needed break. Start accepting both possibilities (staying apart for good or coming back together slowly) to get equal thought. Perhaps you need to prepare yourself emotionally and start giving yourself a lot of comfort so IF she doesn't come back, you, at least, are on the road to recovery.

[krnelson2]

Thanks again Honeyspur! You have been great. I totally agree with everything you have said. I just cant get over the fact that she is feeling like dirt for what she has done and i dont want her to feel that way. I completely understand that she did what she had to do, and I cant blame her for that at all. I can't help feeling that the only reason i am feeling better is because I know she is feeling the way I have felt the last two months kind of a "taste of your own medicine" thing. And I know that sounds so bad and I dont want it to be that way. But I really think she needs some time to let things sink in. The message she sent the other day saying how bad she has been to me is the first time she has brought that up during this whole ordeal. She has said sorry for hurting me many times but never that she has been a horrible person to me. It seems like she is just starting to realize how badly she has hurt me. We'll see though. IF she contacts me today i think i will send a short response, but only if one is warranted. From the messages she has been sending i dont feel that any response would help really. Am I right? Its like she wants me to say "oh hunny everything is fine, I forgive you..." But I cant say that stuff anymore. I need to be myself for awhile. Let me know if I am totally out of line here. Is there anything that I shouldnt say if she contacts me? I dont want you to put words in my mouth, but some direction would be nice. Thanks again for all of your help and advice I have really taken it to heart. Peace!

[honeyspur]

You are so welcome and I really think you know what to do now. It sounds like the confusion is fading and reasoning is making the pieces fit together. I have faith that you will go in the best direction now. Just keep us updated and remain focused on yourself and how easily things are making sense since this time apart. Do what makes sense to you - you've got all the answers now.

And I totally see what you mean by "taste of her own medicine."

It's not like your thinking, "Oh yay - I have my revenge" - it's like "Now she understands."

 

Good luck and good work.

[krnelson2]

Is there a possibility that she may be thinking "I have hurt him so much, there is no hope of getting back together"? Or do you think she may be still contemplating it. I dont want things to get awkward not talking to each other, and I dont want her to feel that she has been so bad to me that anything would be a lost cause at this point.

[honeyspur]

I think that a confused person changes their mind every day - so if one day she is thinking 'this is the end!' - the next day she may think differently.

It's not something to worry about because there is no way of knowing.

People in turmoil need space to do their roller coaster ride alone. It evens out for them after awhile and you should hear from her then. Like I said before, it could take up to a week.

 

You said this dont want things to get awkward not talking to each other, and I dont want her to feel that she has been so bad to me that anything would be a lost cause at this point."

 

The thing is, you can't "make" her feel anything. She is in turmoil and unless she writes you with specific questions, she is in turmoil of her own accord. Prompting her or asking her questions will keep her spiraling like this. Taking yourself out of the picture for awhile forces her to slow her anxiety down and see things clearly.

 

 

All is going well - this is going to progress I'm sure of it!

[krnelson2]

Ok so just as I was begninning to think that she wouldnt contact me yesterday, she calls me on my way home from work. I didnt answer and let her leave a message. She just wanted to say thank you again for the gift that I gave her and then she started crying and asked me to call her when I got the message. I really debated whether I wanted to call her and everytime I picked up the phone i put it back down. But I couldn't help myself, I hate seeing/hearing her cry and I wanted to hear what she had to say. So I called her about an hour later and we talked for a few minutes. Nothing about us though just seeing how each other were and what we have both been up to. She was really friendly and its like she just wanted to know that i am still here. She acted like nothing was wrong, but why would she start crying during her message? When I hung up the phone I felt bad again, but only for a short while. So I went out and spent some time with friends and had a good time thinking about other things. I did end up texting her later in the evening with no reply, which I kind of regret. But I dont regret calling her, because its the first time in a long time that she has actually called me and not just sent a text. So I guess I'm back at day one. Did I do the right thing? I think maybe I felt that she wanted to talk about more, and it didnt happen so i was kind of bummed, but today is much better. Everyday is getting better and better!

[SuperDave71]

and

 

 

*deep sigh*

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[krnelson2]

Ha, yeah I am doing the same thing SuperDave, but heres the thing. I am pretty much ready for any news that she gives me, and I feel that I can talk to her now without getting depressed. Its just last night I think I expected to talk about us, just due to the fact that she actually called me. But now that I think back I guess i cant expect anything. That was my one downfall. Oops. This whole thing is just a vicous cycle right now.

[krnelson2]

Can someone explain this to me? Everytime I try and initiate NC she immediately starts contacting me after a day or two. If I dont respond she keeps contacting, to the point where I really want to respond (and usually end up doing so). But then after talking she will no longer respond to my texts or anything. Its like as soon as she knows I'm still here and willing to talk to her that thats enough and then she wont respond. Its like she is going back and forth with her feelings. And then I find myself waiting around for a response and then I begin to miss her and feel crappy again. How can I break this cycle? I really want to go ahead with NC but its so hard not to respond to her messages especially when she calls me (which she does very rarely) and starts crying in the message. It breaks my heart to hear that. I dont want to be her safety net or her shoulder to cry on, but I want to be there for her if she is hurting. Or should I not be? I dont know some opinions on this would be great. Also does anyone else think that her messages she has been sending me sound like she is coming around, or am I just getting my hopes up again? Please let me know. Thanks

 

 

Peace