Unwanted Xmas gift from Ex - Ettiquite?

[finewhine]

My ex and I have been in NC at my insistence since I broke up with him in June. He has tried to be in touch, but I always rebuff him. In November, the guilt he felt about the shoddy way he treated me finally caught up with him and he made some weak overtures towards seeking my forgiveness. We got in a heated IM conversation where I told him I didn't like him and that we probably couldn't be friends. I basically let him have it, and his response was that he was going to do something, make some sort of gesture, to try to win my friendship back. I was like, "Whatever!"

 

Last week, he sent me a very expensive box of chocolates without any sort of message. I was outraged. I don't think this was his attempt to win my friendship, but it's just like him - making an empty gesture that costs money but doesn't require any time or thought.

 

My question - should I acknowledge the gift? If so, how? I don't want to talk to him! I don't want to appear appreciative because, well, I don't appreciate his presumption. Then again, I don't know if not acknowledging it is the way to go. It doesn't seem polite. Then again, everyone has reminded me that the way he treated me wasn't polite either.

 

What the heck should I do?

[DN]

What would have been your reaction if he had sent something that in your opinion had taken him some time and effort?

[dogheadma]

Forget polite, forget the chocolates, & forget him.

[lovecrazy]

just eat the chocolates, and dont respond...

[finewhine]

Dogheadma - sounds reasonable. Leaning towards that.

 

DM - I would have been a little less upset if he had been thoughtful, but not much. He can't seem to get it in his head that I dislike him and that I don't want to hear from him. I have tried conveying this in several different ways, anywhere from ignoring him to outright telling him that he's a jerk, a narcissist, etc. He can't come to terms with this, obviously.

 

So! To answer your question, the optimal gift would have been nothing, but I wouldn't have gotten upset if he had sent a christmas card.

 

If he had sent something thoughtful, I would definitely thank him.

[DN]

I think your best bet, if you are sure that you want nothing to do with him ever again, is to return the gift with a polite note of refusal saying that you do not want him to contact you again.

[finewhine]

Oh no - I brought them to a friend's christmas party and we ate them. Too late for that! Now what?

[DN]

Oops!

 

Well, in that case I would just say thanks for the gift but you have still not changed your mind and that you don't want him to contact you again - even for sending gifts.

[finewhine]

Can I just send him a thank you card with no message? That seems pretty cold and could drive home the point. Then again, I don't want to waste the postage, but an e-mail would open the doors to unwanted communication.

 

Gah, I am so mad that he put me in this position! He's such a weasel!

[DN]

No message means the card can be misinterpreted. You may think it is cold - he may think it opens the door just a little crack for him to try again.

[Orlander]

Send him a thank you card saying that you and your new boyfriend really enjoyed the candy. In my opinion, you probably are going to have to be cold to him to get the point accross. I don't advocate lying, so a stern "thanks but leave me alone" would suffice.

 

Orlander

[finewhine]

You have a point. I feel like I'm negotiating with a crazy person.

 

I just sent him a thank you e-mail that said thank you, you shouldn't have. If he responds (which I'm hoping he won't), I will enact your advice and tell him not to contact me again. I am hoping to stop thinking about him alltogether by the first of the year, if possible.

[Orlander]

Good. You've taken that first step. Now, block his email address so you don't get emails from him. If he calls, be strong and done answer and done listen to the messages. You can do it.

 

 

Orlander

[finewhine]

Thanks Orlander. Looks like I have to tell him to leave me alone and to block his e-mails. He wrote back in 30 seconds saying, "More to come!" and then detailed how he tried to get something for me I've wanted for a while, but couldn't.

 

I feel so dirtied by the whole exchange.

[finewhine]

Can I just go straight to blocking? I really don't want to spell out to him again about how much I hate him, don't want to talk to him, etc.

[shes2smart]

Oh, dude...I feel for you. BTDT. Had an ex who just didn't get that it was OVER.

 

In this case, I think the phrase "cruel to be kind" fits. Anything less than a very blunt, direct "Do not contact me again, ever." will leave the door open -- just a crack -- in his mind.

 

I wouldn't go into how much you hate him and why. Keep it direct and simple. Something along the lines, "Kindly leave me alone. Any future contact from you is unwelcome and will be ignored."

 

Then follow through on it. No response from you ever. Because, for some people, even negative attention is attention....and it's enough to keep them hoping.

[finewhine]

The worst part about this - HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND! He started dating her two weeks after our three and a half year relationship ended, and as far as I know, they're still dating! How would she feel if she knew he was on a campaign to win my forgiveness? What is wrong with these people????

 

I can't tell what he's hoping for, and I'm pretty darn tired of speculating. However, I don't WANT to send him that e-mail about future contact being unwanted - I've told him at least ten times! Thing is, I'm hoping he'll snap back into reality and stop contacting me by himself.

 

He doesn't call me. He hasn't done much of anything in the last six months except send me e-mail making small talk. In kind, I have told him I can't be his friend, that he hurt me too much, etc. Then he started in with the whole, "I deeply regret how I treated you" garbage and I told him I didn't like him.

 

And now, here I am, doing my darndest to forget about him, and he sends me MULTIPLE EXPENSIVE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS! I don't think this is about me at all. This is all about him and his massive ego.

 

I want to tell him that this is about him and I resent it, but I can't sink to that level. I want to retaliate but I can't and it's really making me angry!!!!

 

I almost wish the office wasn't closed today so that I could have work to distract me. Maybe a trip to the video store is in order. GRRRR.

[Siriana]

Oh, I just wanted to say: It is insane not to eat good chocolate, so enjoy and ignore him - no thank you note, nothing. That will make you enjoy twice!

 

Oups, you e-mailed him, now I noticed that, and looks like he's having a huge ego! Order something expencive from him and than change your e-mail. Just kidding.

[finewhine]

Thanks, Syrix. Done and done.

 

I am now ignoring him. Hope he goes away.

[Follow Me]

Mail the empty box of chocolates to his new GF. Leave a note saying "Hi my name is finewhine. I am ---'s ex girlfriend. The chocolates your boyfriend sent me were delicious. Did he give you any?" Spend the money to mail it. Or leave it where she will find it. I think if you can't get the message accross to him, his new girlfriend will.

[Siriana]

He will but you need to be persistent - it will take some time, and he'll be boring in the mean time. The most important thing is to be completely not interested in his s.... and not having any reaction when you see or hear him. Like he's a piece of furniture.

[finewhine]

Follow Me - thanks for making me chuckle. I would love to do just that! I know nothing about her, though, and I figure she's pathetic enough for dating someone under those circumstances.

 

Syrix - yup, I think he will go away. Until then, furniture. An evil couch!