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How do i leave him alone when he's angry?

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Hey everyone... so i just wanted to say that i really appreciate all the advice everyone always has to give. Everytime i have a problem or a conflict, i come here to see what advice there is and how can i better myself. So, I was wondering if you all could please give me some good, solid advice.


Here's the situation...


My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years. We both love each other very much and we're insanely crazy about each other. We truly have the best time when we are together and we both make each other very happy. However, just like any other couple out there, we do have our fights every so often. Basically, regardless of what we have an argument about, it always ends with me making the fight worse and making him more angry because I can't leave him alone.


For example, this past weekend, we got into an argument on Friday. It really doesn't matter what the argument is about, what matters is how I handled it. Now I know that when he is mad, he wants to be left alone, he doesn't want me to call him or try and talk to him... he'll call when he's ready. I just don't understand why I have such a hard time just leaving him alone. If I would have left him alone the rest of Friday and Saturday, by Sunday he probably would have called me. But no, i tried calling him Satruday, Sunday, and even today... each time he kept rejecting it. Finally, he comes online tonight and yells at me saying that i know not to call him when he's mad, yet i still try and make some stupid excuse to call him (which is true)... he said that he wanted to talk things out tomorrow, but since I called him today for no good reason, he doesnt want to talk anymore. I know he will come around in a day or two, at least I hope so, but my problem is that i am very anxious and impatient, especially when it comes to him.


I wish that after we had our argument, he would have told me look give me a couple days, we'll talk about it later. Instead, he didnt say a word, just that he was mad... and I was left feeling frustrated, sad, upset, afraid that i hurt him, and insecure.


I really want to know how I can overcome this because we always have this same fight almost once a month. Basically, we will have an argument about something or other and instead of me just leaving things be for a day or two, and waiting for him to come around so we can talk about it... i keep trying to call him, text him, go to his house to see him to work things out. And then things just escalate, and i start a new fight altogether. I feel so stupid, i know it's wrong, but i dont know why i cant stop myself from doing it. Even today he was like you tell me this and that... how about you start appreciating my needs and respecting what i want? And the thing is, I know he is totally right, but yet I can't change. Last time we had this fight, I told him ok next time i'll leave you alone, next time i'll let you be... but then next time comes and i'll rationalize/justify some excuse in my head as to why this time is different from last time and why i need to talk to him.


And the other part of this whole thing is that this scenario usually happens when i'm about to start my period... pms gets me soo emotional and he knows it.. and i hate that it affects our relationship that way. I just really wish I knew how to control it and control my emotions. I am a very emotional by nature and this just makes things worse.


Please, if anyone has any practical advice on how I can fix this part of me so our relationship can grow even more and become stronger. He also feels that I need to grow up and act like a mature adult because I sometimes live in this fairyland and not look at things from a mature perspective. I know that I am a strong person, and he does respect me, and he does want me to become a stronger person and I want to change, not for him, but for me and for us... but i just dont understand why my heart becomes so weak when it comes to him.


I've tried all the keeping yourself busy, go out with your friends, do other things... and ya they work. But i really want to get to the root of this so i can permanently tell myself ok, be mature about this and just let it be. I want to change myself for the better so i can make our relationship better. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that this is a pattern in me that keeps happening and he loves me so much he's willing to put up with for as long as he has, but everyone has a limit.


I can accept that insecurities might be feuling this, but how do i overcome it. I can accept that i'm patient and anxious and want things to work out, but how do i learn patience?


Any advice?

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You say that YOU need to change for you as a couple but you both need to change. Think of the future when you live together or are married, what would happen then? It's not good to be that way, with one of you (him) in control. A relationship should be equal and both needs should be met.


When everything is fine and happy between you, THAT is the time to bring up the reason why you feel so insecure and feel the need to talk to him when he disappears on you, and he needs to listen and change the way he acts towards you for this to work out.

Tell him that you feel hurt that when he doesnt want to see or hear from you, as it's the very time you need him most. Even if he cannot 'speak' to you after what has happened, he needs to let you know that he is still 'there' for you. Explain this to him, it's what you need.


If he cannot take your needs on board or uses what you have told him against you in the future, this man isn't on the same page as you and if he does that to you again, you really SHOULD keep away from him.

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smarti84, my bf is the same way. When he gets angry, the best thing to do is leave him alone. Eventually he cools down and then we can talk normally. I am like you, the more angry he gets, the more pathetic and pushy I get. This results in more fighting. I have learned, most of the time, to leave him alone, but sometimes I just cant. When we first started dating, he used to ignore my texts and phone calls. As our relationship progresses, he tries to understand me, and doesnt ignore me. Last night we got into a fight and I kept pushing and he kept saying hurtful things. But, there is a point where you have to be heard and cant keep doing what he wants.


People like this might try to change, but they will never completely change. You either have to accept this about him, but dont think that his behaviour will change over time. This is where I am in my relationship. I hope this helps.

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I think that in a relationship you really have to learn that when you argue, you have to "argue effectively". There are some really good books on how to argue in a relationship, and on how to argue effectively period.


I also agree with Bethany on the points she made.

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