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Is this usual/is it strange this makes me feel weird?

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Hello people! I've been reading the forums on eNotAlone since earlier this year and they've helped me gain more of an insight into people and their relationships, but this is the first time I've actually posted.


I'm not certain I'm posting this in the correct place, so apologies if it needs moving...


A bit of background I'm a UK male in my late twenties and I've been with my girlfriend for about four months now. When we met I'd been single for about a year, having previously been in a (nearly) seven year relationship which my ex ended. Perhaps because of this I've been fairly cautious not to rush this time around.

The situation I'm at home with my family over Christmas, my girlfriend has been at her flat and had a lot of friends come over today for Christmas dinner, etc. I spoke to her online late last night and she told me she was in the living room because her flatmate was in her own bedroom with her boyfriend, and that a (male) friend (who I've not met) of my girlfriend's was asleep in my gf's bed. Not really thinking anything of it I asked where she was going to sleep and she said: "in my bed, next to [friend]."

My reaction: I didn't say anything at the time (probably went a bit quiet) as she's had a hard time over the last couple of weeks and I really didn't want to bring up any kind of emotional issues that might spoil her Christmas. The thing is, I find this very strange. I trust her completely and there is no question in my mind of her cheating on me or anything like that. I just feel that this is strange and I don't feel comfortable with it - it is something I would never do.


My question is is this something other people would consider normal? I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as another person's girlfriend, or in fact of any girl I wasn't in a relationship with. But I know that I am different from most people in that I am quite averse to close physical contact with people I'm not extremely close to. I suppose I feel as though it diminishes the 'specialness' of being close to that certain person.


What I do know is that I love her - in fact, I'm amazed by just how much I care about her. I also know that she feels similarly about me and I've been quite taken aback by how much she seems to like me. I'm sure that it hasn't occurred to her that this may be an issue of any kind - she is much more tactile with her friends generally than I am with mine.


This has been preying on my mind all day. I'm not even really sure what my feelings about it are - confused, hurt, slightly jealous (?), upset, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, and so on and, to be honest I don't like the way I've reacted. We are both very open and honest with each other and I will mention at some point how this has made me feel, but I would like to know if people here think I'm over-reacting, if it's strange for me to have this kind of reaction or if perhaps others also think that it was a little insensitive. I don't want her to feel like I want her to change or that she has to behave differently around her friends now, but I do feel like my feelings haven't been considered here.


Any opinions are much appreciated.

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Communication is an awsome tool.


Your post is clear, well structured and coherent.

Considering those facts, I think that you should talk to her about it and if everything goes well, you should normally get to know her point of view in addition to let her know that it made you feel some way incomfortably.


What do you think about this ?

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I used to sleep over with other students where people did that. I chose to sleep on the sofa instead (I'm English) even though I knew it was perfectly innocent. These were students I knew well, and trusted.


I think you could ask her about it, without implying you are condemning it. You could even say, honestly, that you did not know people did that. Then she has a chance to re-assure you.



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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks guys - good to get other people's perspective on things.


BYOB - I'm glad you thought my post, "clear, well structured and coherent" - I used to be an English teacher! She is far more tactile generally than I am, and I know it doesn't cross her mind that there might be any suggestion of inappropriateness.


PaulMn - it's something I associate more with students and their lifestyle, I suppose I would probably expect it more in that context. I think the difficulty I have is how to explain to her that I'm not comfortable with it, without sounding like I am criticising her or making a negative judgement of her behaviour.


Thanks again for your input - those of us who are usually mere 'lurkers' gain a lot from these forums and appreciate the posting members greatly.

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