I shouldn't be feeling this way...

[jessicake]

There is nothing wrong with my life. I know I can have a bright future, I have wonderful friends and a mostly supportive family. I am relatively smart, not unattractive. There is nothing wrong with me physically. What is wrong with me is mentally.

 

I suffered from depression on and off since i was 15. I had an addiction to self mutilation for a couple of years. And stopped completely when i was 18. (i am now 21) I am in a down faze at the moment. I am dealing with the loss of a 3 yr relationship that could not have gone anywhere. The break up was a month or so ago. It was a good break up and I know that we are not compatible (there was nothing else wrong with the relationship) and is excited for him that he can focus on his career and other aspects of his life.

 

My problem is that everyday I think of ending my life. I try to stop such thoughts by reading articles on battling suicide and watching inspirational movies. But i keep having these unhealthy thoughts.

 

I have been having really vivid thoughts of stabbing myself in the chest. Or overdosing so that there is not much mess.

 

What is hindering me from doing it is because I feel really selfish and cowardly. I do want to die, but at the same time, I want to live for God, for my future, for my loved ones. It is really contradictory but I want to die and live at the same time. I don't want to die in this festive season because I don't want to taint it for my loved ones... I want to be strong, but i am not.

 

 

Why am i feeling this way?

 

I have so much to be grateful for, yet why do i have suicidal thoughts everyday? It has been going on for 3 weeks and it is messing with my head...

[CynicalGuitarist]

I can relate in a few ways. I've been suffering from depression for a while, myself. Well, at least be glad you have a bright future, because I !@#$ed up in school, have no job or job experience, no relationship, no money, just my guitar. I now spend my time trying to tell kids not to end up like me. I always seem to catch myself thinking about jumping off a really high place, slitting my throat, or hanging myself. In fact, I keep having re-occurring dreams of falling (sometimes I don't see anything, but I feel myself falling) and apocalyptic dreams (oddly enough, based on "revalations" in the bible) of the world coming to an end. I have the schizophrenic thoughts of ending my own life while knowing I could never muster up the courage to do so.

 

All I can say is, keep living. Try a new hobby or something. Just keep working to tide off this depression, or you'll end up a hopeless loser like me, which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Don't kill yourself. It is not the end of the world. You could make it.

 

My sister is also has depression. She is currently on medication. You are not alone.

[mylastwords23]

It's interesting whenever you tell someone that you are feeling this way, they so often tell you simply not to act on it. They point out all the objective things that you have and that you know you have even now. When, in your mind, all you want is to stop thinking it because it goes against everything that is rational. You almost want them to argue with you until it goes away, but what makes this belief different from all others is that it is not one that can be argued away. It isn't rational and it almost seems like it's not your thought but one that has simply been dropped in your head by someone else. For some, it's a thought that simply disappears one morning and never returns, but for others it may never go away. Only time will tell you which type of person you are.

[jessicake]

Thank you so much for all your replies/ support.

 

mylastwords: that is exactly how i feel... what you wrote seriously summed up what my feelings are in a paragraph! its like the other thought just won't shut up no matter how much i tell myself its not right..! and i think it makes the depression worse.. its as though i dont have the willpower to fight it completely even when i am trying so hard!

...i hope that i will be the person that ends up waking up one morning and then the thoughts disappearing...

 

Taomagicdragon: i believe what triggered them is the loss of my last relationship (ended about 7 weeks ago) as well as increasing tension in my family (unrelated to last relationship). i really do hope that i can grow out of this 'disorder!!'

 

I still have very vivid suicidal thoughts. although they have been less frequent in a day, they are still there everday.

[MissTee]

I sometimes toyed with the thought when I was in my teens but never seriously...

 

I've never been clinically depressed BUT I have had my down days.

 

I noticed that you are 21 years old. It absolutely breaks my heart to see so many young people in a similar state of mind as yourself. Beyond everything you've been through, there is such a beautiful world. Losing love or even ending something that isn't working is the hardest thing a human being will ever have to endure. It is the worst pain we can feel... a broken heart. BUT the greatest thing about humans is that we are resiliant beings that heal and love again. I just pray and hope that you and others out there can realise how precious and fragile life is.

 

Ending it yourself is final. There are no second chances. There's so reconsideration. Your dead. That's it.

 

Please realise and work towards how wonderfully happy you can be! Stand up as a human being and use your power as a human being and make a conscious decision to have full and happy life. It's all in yourself.

 

I don't want to seem like I'm preaching at you but I do feel very strongly about this...

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello jessicake,

 

When I was a little younger I had the same thoughts for a lot of reasons. You know, life has not improved a great deal, and most of my dreams and aspirations have not come to fruition.

 

I think that such thoughts are almost a natural part of self exploration, and are actually common , although a lot of people don't have the candor to admit it. (Just those with guts and heart.)

 

I am not a psychologist, but I can at least say that I care, even though I don't know you, (and you don't know me.) Everyone has value.

 

At least give yourself a fair shot at working it out. Wouldn't you feel bad if you didn't give yourself enough of a chance to communicate and maybe work this out?

 

Get with some of the others who express the same feelings, I bet you (us) all can find some really good reasons to want to live.

 

One of the best ways is to help (and relate) to others. Just expressing your feelings in this forum must help some. (I know it helps me, alot.)

 

Anytime you want to talk or blow off some steam, I'll (we'll) be here for you.

 

Write anytime. [/email]