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I'll keep this simple for now.....

I am a married man whose wife will not have sex with at all. I work with someone(who is also married) whom I am very attracted to and I think she is attracted to me. She knows my situation at home and has mentioned she has thought about divorcing her husband many times.

My question is, Do I tell her how I feel about her (sitting here on x-mas eve thinking about her! ) or do I not?

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First off, we don't share in the problem, she actually did the same thing to her first husband. all I really want to know is do I let this other woman know how much I care for her. Not a sexual thing, at least not at the moment, I am just comfortable and feel good around her.

I have tried for 5 years to discuss problems with wife and she always responds with "nows not the time" or "I don't want to discuss this". So, I have given up on trying 2 years ago. I would like to have some semblance of a "normal" relationship with someone.

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We do not share in the problem, it is hers and hers alone. She did the same thing to her first husband and he left for another woman. For 5 of the last 7 years I have tried to discuss our problems with her, suggested professional help, and she responds either "I don't want to discuss this" or "now's not the time". Gave up 2 years ago.

Intimacy is what I miss, sex you can get anywhere.

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It is sad that your wife has no desire to improve your relationship. Im not going to jump to any conclusions about how that state came about though. The only good solutions are if you can reach her and improve your relationship get her to open up to you or a divorce. Saying you cannot divorce her but you want to engage in another relationship in any way borderline makes no sense, seeing as you will probably lose whatever it is that you are not willing to lose via divorce once she either catches you, you decide to leave or one of the many other paths that cheating will take you down. Coincidentally did you ever meet anyone that was happy they cheated? I certainly haven't, there is a reason it is generally frowned upon, many actually. First and foremost you will be labeled a cheater, and whoever you cheat with will be aware of this label and they will know what you are capable of. Good luck

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The stages to go through marital difficulties are these:


  • Identify problem
  • Try to fix problem
  • If not able to fix problem then divorce
  • Once you have recovered equilibrium after the separation then you are free; ethically, morally and emotionally to date someone else.

It is usually an error to do that in a different order.

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She is leaving in NINE years? why would anyone stay in a marriage where both of you want out for another NINE years... really, you need to go to a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer...


starting an affair is one of those things that falls into the 'seemed like a good idea at the time' categories. lots of people do it, and it ends up VERY badly 99.9% of the time. if you know your marriage is doomed, why stall it any longer. work on solving whatever problems you need to solve to allow both yourself and your wife get happy lives. using an affair as a temporary distraction just complicates things, doesn't resolve problems.

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Here is what I don't get... If you don't love your wife, why complicate the situation by having an affair? End the current relationship before entering into a new one. It may mean you have to wait longer to get what you want, but I promise in the end it will be better. If you have an affair, then you're a "Cheater"; you're the bad guy. If you end your marriage FIRST, at least no one can say that you acted inappropriately.


Speaking as someone who was recently torn up by a cheating spouse (not my own), I will never ever condone cheating! If you feel it's worth it, then at least be mature enough to do things in the right order. Deal with the problems you already have before you add another and compound the entire issue.

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To cheat is tempting and it takes real strength to just look in the mirror and accept to get out using the front door - the right way, or to go to a therapist, get REAL and try to get better. Both of these are NOT easy but they have hundred times more integrity and decency than giving into temptation. The path of least resistance is USUALLY not the best one....something to think about.

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It seems like the only thing you can do is tell her that she is pushing you away, you are starting to have feelings for someone else, you miss the intimacy she has, and that if she is unwilling to discuss it with you further, you will be contacting a divorce attorney. Of course, there are probably many, many reasons that you should stay with her, but the fact of the matter is, if she's unwilling to discuss problems with you and work them out, you don't have a marriage. You have a roommate.

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