I can handle rejection, but not being creepy

[No, useYOURname]

I was cheated on and lied to in my last relationship. It was to a degree that would shock Saddam Hussein. That has seriously affected my confidence and perception of my attractiveness to females.

 

I lean toward the "build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door" philosophy of dating. What I mean is, if I was that good looking or attractive to women I would have been scooped up by a decent girl by now. I'm 6'4 and in good shape. I know my looks are on the positive end of the spectrum but I guess I must not be hot or else I would have had more action in my past. My evil ex who was a habitual liar (but a good actress) told me how hot and sexy I was. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever known and we were with each other for 2.5 years. Some other girls I've "been" with were definitely considered attractive by most guys too.

 

Now to my question/point. I am trying to get my life back in order after being dedicated to marrying my now heartless, lying ex. Not only that, but I haven't had sex in a really long time and I need some you know what. I can handle the rejection of being turned down when I introduce myself to a girl, but I've always had this fear of being considered a creepy weirdo. I am afraid of coming on to a girl and her not liking me and then her and everyone she knows labeling me as "that weird guy who tried to talk to me." That may sound stupid, but it's very real to me. I'm starting to think that I am actually less good looking than I think I am or that I have some really unattractive quality about me that women just aren't interested in me. Ladies, if a guy tries to talk to you that you are not attracted to, do you label him and avoid him like the plague?

[doyathink]

Ladies, if a guy tries to talk to you that you are not attracted to, do you label him and avoid him like the plague?

 

Of course not. Maybe your confidence is shot and thats why you feel this way. I'm sorry you were burned like that, it doesn't help the ego much. There are women out there who are looking for a guy like you, dont let your past ruin it for your future....

[Anotherday]

No, unless he were to say something like...hey baby, wanta come back to my place tonight? I've had lots of male friends I wasn't interested in and, unless they come on too strong, they don't creep me out. I think the thing to do is to remember, friends first.

[GeneralLee]

Hey man, you gave me advice, heres some for you. You just gotta bite the bullet and do it man. I know that after the way your ex did you in, you feel like all women are evil and only want to hurt you, but thats not how it is. In my experience a women is not going to trash you to her friends unless you pull a pretty creepy stunt like sitting down and going at her, never saying a word. Of course you're going to get shot down, but most of the girls I've been shot down by don't really give it a second though once you leave. But back to what I said, you just have to bite the bullet and go do it. Find a girl whos alone in a place without alot of people to re-cut your teeth on. Kinda like how most high school and college football teams start their seasons out with a game they are more or less guarenteed to win so their players have a confidence boost going into the season. Do the same thing, start out with a girl who you have a pretty low chance of getting burned with. Hope you can get past your problems and back into the game.

[coooolsome]

This is how you become creepy to a girl. 1. If you confess all the feelings you have and put a lot of unwanted pressure on her. 2. If you seem to be stalking her. 3. Say inappropriate sexual comments. No girl likes to talk about sex if she doesnt know the guy.

 

There is nothing wrong with talking to a girl. Go up to her, say hi, have a smile and just have some fun. Talk to her like she is a guy and you couldnt care if she doesnt like you.

 

Also, your confidence could use a little work. I know I had to work really hard to get my confidence back up after my ex dumped me. Without confidence you won't get anywhere so bring that back up before you start jumping into the "dating" scene.

 

How do you get your confidence up? Work out. Accept who you are, be proud of your accomplishments. Those are a couple but there are more.

[Fisch]

This is a good point, many women (even if they dont want to admit it) will consider an otherwise completely normal guy creepy if he hits on her and telegraphs a certain frame. It seems like an instinct sometimes. So you have to have the right frame, that is one that you are an individual of high value and they would be lucky to meet you. Also it is not always good to telegraph sexual or romantic interest when you immediately meet a woman. They want to know that you are interested in them for more than just their looks. If a guy walks up to a girl that he doesnt know and he makes a sexual comment she figures he is A. only talking to her because of her looks and B. he is socially unintelligent because nobody but a low self esteem head case would go for that. So the first thing comes first, and that is your perception of yourself and your inner confidence/beliefs.

[No, useYOURname]

I guess I need a new place to meet women. Lately, I've been spending too much time at the same old spot. There's a dark alley that people use to go from this hip restaurant past the dumpsters and then to a parking lot behind an adjacent movie theater. I usually just hang there behind a pole until a girl comes along and then I say, "Hey! You like clean sheets?"

 

O.K. so I that was just a joke. Truth is, I can talk about anything to almost anybody. I am close to a true know it all, but I don't act like it to people I've just met. I just ask insiteful questions. I am respectful of women to a great degree whether they deserve it or not. No foul-mouth or sex talk when I meet someone new. Yes my confidence has been dealt a blow after being lied to and screwed around on for so long only to find out she's now engaged. 2 years ago I had the gf, the fun friends, the budding career, the whole package. Now I have no gf, friends are married, and my job is as boring as watching someone watch paint dry. When I met my last gf I was younger (24), more in shape, and had a visibly together and happening life. She saw that and wanted me cause I already had my together. She just wanted to destroy it and now I'm trying to find out where my is so I can try and get it together again. I really need some new . I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think no girl is going to want me since I actually want and need one in my life. I'm not desparate, I just want that good feeling of loving life that comes with a smiling face and a sexy body.

[Luke Skywalker]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think no girl is going to want me since I actually want and need one in my life. I'm not desparate, I just want that good feeling of loving life that comes with a smiling face and a sexy body.

 

Maybe due to the phenominon of psychological projection (look this up in link removed), it's likely that you are projecting your own insecurities on the women you are approaching and you feel, in your mind, that they think you are creepy. If you've already come to a conclusion that no girl wants you, and have strong feelings that are backing those thoughts, then that will affect everything.

 

Best to do what I do in the "Internal Politics" thread in the Emotional section. Create a journal entry book, and simply mark each person's interaction between (-10) and (+10). If it's a fairly normal interaction that's going somewhere, then leave it umarked - if I'm getting what I want in the interaction and it's progressive then it gets high mark. But if I get rejected or the interaction ends very badly, the mark it a (-10) beside the name. If you dont even have a name or remember it by the time you log it in, the interaction doesn't count.

 

I dont recommend you cloning this idea or copying the concept, but this particular methodology has helped me 'objectify' things and put interactions into perspective, because you feel you are in control as you are doing the marking.

[Fisch]

Hey,

My advice: win your own respect back first. Forget about "finding" a woman for now. The path to finding the woman you want is in rebuilding your life. This is because having ambitions, an active lifestyle, a stimulating social life, interests and hobbies, caring for and taking care of yourself, being proud of what you do and who you are are the top things that attract a woman. Once you become a person that YOU think will attract woman your confidence will follow, and so will they. Get into life, rise above whatever wrongs your ex has commited, she is an immature joke now, unimportant to improving yourself. I can tell that you are the type of person that knows when he is in a rut and has the desire and drive to help yourself, so I am telling you where you should start. You seem like a competent person and I am sure you know where to get started. If you can understand the type of attitude I am trying to communicate, than you will surely succeed. Good luck

[No, useYOURname]

Good advice. Thanks. I actually never thought my life could get so bad. The weird thing is I have almost no debt and I am making more money than ever. I don't say that to brag, trust me. I'm just saying that I have obtained many of the things I worked so hard to obtain like a high-paying job and financial stability. The kicker is that I worked so hard to have this WITH my now ex gf. I'm sort of left holding the bag. It's a nice bag, but I just don't have any interest in holding it anymore. Papa needs a new bag to paraphrase James Brown may he R.I.P.

 

I often feel like I need to start over and leave my current career behind. I would love to get back into welding and making things with my hands as opposed to my current white-collar job. Right now everyday, it is a disappointment to wake up in the morning. I can't remember the last time I had a fun day or I had something I genuinely was looking forward to. It's scary to think I may have to rebuild from the ground up, but if I do that can be a topic for another thread. Thanks for the great advice.

[Fisch]

Great man,

you just need to do what you feel will aid you in accomplishing your goals. You should have internal goals as well, how do you want the things you do to make you feel? It is internal and external, the way your lifestyle makes you feel is not something to be undervalued, so if starting over is an emotional or mental need than it will bring you great resources if you believe in it.