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I really have been with an abuser and just need to get through Christmas now

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I'd written another thread trying to figure out if I was with an abuser and really appreciate all of your responses. I'm starting this because I have to get this out of me.


Right now I want to call him and BEG him to come over and just hold me, but he is what has gotten me in this spot so I just have to focus on getting through Christmas without causing myself damage. I get self-destructive in these situations and especially during a time like Christmas when I am alone. I have a GF who was also with an abuser flying in tomorrow night, so I will just have to keep thinking about that.


This MUST BE the end for me in this relationship. What happened was that we had disagreed about Christmas in terms of spending time together (Christmas Eve is the worst for me and I had wanted to be with him and go to midnight mass but he refuses to be with me today). I told him I'd just spend all of Christmas alone if everything had to be on his terms. We argued and then for some reason he decided to come over that same night (Thursday) at 11 p.m. to spend the night. We talked and things went ok. The next morning he got up and took a shower and asked me where his ring was (the ring I'd given him). He said it had been on the nightstand and it wasn't there. He accused me of taking it and when I told him I had not, he called me an F'ing lying sack of Sh*t. I was crushed. He left for work and I starting tearing everything apart to look for the ring. He called me several times that day and told me I'd better find it or "cough it up" and that he'd be over later to look for it himself. I told him it wasn't a good idea and he said he would anyway for a bit. Well, he fell asleep Friday night and didn't come over.


He was to have come over last night to look for it and instead called me at 6 to tell me he'd found it and wasn't that wonderful. It had been in his pants pocket. I told him that was great but reminded him he'd called me a lying sack of ..... and also told me I was f'ing conniving and manipulative. He hung up on me. Of course, I got the wine out and shut off my phone. He ended up coming over and it wasn't good. He ripped up a letter I'd written to him and I just ended up drunk.


The obvious answer is for me to never talk with him again, but I feel like I should call HIM and apologize for my being so UTI and not looking very good when he was here. Now he'll just tell himself he's better off not being with someone like me and I at least wanted things to end when I had myself at least appearing to be together. I know I am acting and feeling pathetic. I hate myself for drinking wine to cope with my feelings and know I have to stop, but in moments like last night it seems to help.


I'm wondering if he didn't set me up Thursday night, knowing he was going to mess with my head about the ring on Friday morning. The irony is that he said the ring meant soooooooo much to him and was a symbol of what I felt for him, while he's verbally degrading me. I know it doesn't matter either way. The outcome is the same.


Thanks for letting me put this out there. My biggest concern is how to get through the hours without getting self-destructive. A glass of wine is on my mind right now, but typing this helps.

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Verbal abuse is known to leave deeper 'scars' compared to the actual scars of physical abuse. Verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse. I do not think you owe him an apology. I think it's the other way around. But I am sensing that he is not going to apologize to you.


Additionally, although wine 'numbs' your pain, it's not the solution to this. Using alcohol may numb your feelings temporarily...but this type of alcohol use can snowball into alcoholism. A recovered alcoholic (who is now a well-known therapist) once told me that you know you have a problem with alcohol--when you start having problems with alcohol.


You are going to need the support of loving friends/family right now. It's a good thing that your friend is flying in tomorrow.




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I went back and re-read that thread and it's all sinking in and I can see how things could get dangerous.


Survivng Victum, I am glad you got through your situation. I live 1800 miles from my family and have no one where I live to talk to. One thing that happens over time is that it becomes impossible to even share what is going on with the acquaintances I know here, as they don't want to hear it and I don't want to admit it. So he hasn't had to isolate me, I've done that all by myself.


I don't think I mentioned this, but he has a daughter who is ten who he hasn't seen in four years. He says the mother is a demon, "tricked him" into getting her pregnant, and he threatened to shoot her if she didn't leave his family alone. He told her he'd kill her and then turn himself in the next day, except that would leave his daughter alone. He's waiting for the day she turns 18 and thinks she'll be in his doorstep, but hey, I grew up with a father who didn't have time for me and we don't have much of a relationship now. Sad thing is, the time my father was nicest to me was when he didn't know who I was (I took care of him for ten days when his Alzheimers was really bad). He asked who I was and told my mother I'd been kind. Yikes, I should not be thinking about that today but I can see where I am used to men who don't value me.


Yes, I have issues and will seek help as soon as the New Year comes. What is embarrassing is that I worked in a DV shelter myself, so I should have ended this before. There were women there of all backgrounds, and I felt like a poser being there, with a nagging sense I really had no business working there, although I didn't start this relationship until I started that job and he was "Nice" back then. I actually quit the job as I started getting very angry over being in that environment, but I now realize part of it was my own stuff projected onto the people there, if that makes any sense.


So in spite of the fact I'll be mortified if I run into some of them, I think a woman's support group would be a good thing to do. I cannot let my pride and ego get in the way.


So, I am hearing all of you and will take your advice. Sorry for typing so much, I am just trying not to think about whether he will call me or not, whether to shut my phone off or not, stuff like that.

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