She has a BF in army, and I work with her

[Persol]

I've been out of school about 2 years, and we have a senior who got a co-op where I work (she's 3 years younger). I was physically attracted to her, but didn't really act on it because I worked with her and didn't have a good opportunity. But the more we hang out, the more I actually like her...

 

We went to the company Christmas party the week after Thanksgiving and I sat with her and a mutual (guy) friend who went to the same school. We had fun and went dancing afterwards. When we left, she helped me with putting my jacket on, hugged, and went home.

 

She said she had fun after the party, and setup a party at a club the second week of December for her school friends and invited 4 of the younger people we work with. 2 of the guys are married with newborns, 1 was away on business, which left me.

 

I went to the place after another party and met up with her and 5-6 of her friends. We did the group dancing thing for a while, and her friends slowly went home leaving me, her and a friend of hers (guy) that didn't have a ride home. We started grinding and kept that up for almost an hour, while her friend just kind of stood there dancing by himself. She kept grabbing my hands, squeezing them, and moving them around her hips/stomach. Then she started making comments how people all around us were making out. She pointed this out 4 or 5 times. When I went to make a move, I got bumped into and we effectively butted heads.

 

I asked her if she wanted to grab something to eat (it was about 1am) and she said yeah. When we left she was going to drop the other guy off, but he said he was hungry too. We got the coat check, and she gave me her jacket to put on her. We went to a diner, got milkshakes, hugged, and went our separate ways.

 

Last week I scheduled it so the two of us would be at a work thing from 4am to 1pm. (Yeah, I feel slightly 'wrong' for doing this). We basically had to supervise something, and didn't have much to do. We talked and had fun for the few hours. We were talking with a guy from the client for awhile, and he was telling us how he was in the army. The girl I'm interested in noted that her boyfriend is also in the army. I found out later from a 3rd party that he owes 6 years and will be away until then. This was the first time I really heard her mention him.

 

After work she wanted to get dinner (at 2pm since we woke up so early) and we went to get some food. It definitely 'felt' like more of a date than hanging out with a friend or someone from work.

 

A few days ago, I ask what she's doing for Christmas and she said she's going out of town to meet her boyfriend. During lunch, with another co-op there, we talked about what we all still had to buy for X-mas. She had no idea what to get her boyfriend, so the conversation kind of lingered on that.

 

 

So my problem is, I don't know what to do....

• I know her boyfriend will be away for at least 3 years, with them seeing each other every other month at most. (I was previously in a similar relationship, and don't think it'll actually last). She was also telling a mutual friend that she was unsure if she wanted to stay with him.
  
• She's given me signs that, if I didn't work with her, I would have asked for her number (which I have anyway because of work).
  
• She'll only be working with me until February, and I'm rarely in the office, so awkwardness at work isn't a huge deal.
  

 

So, what do I do? I know we'll end up going out again at some point. I could just bite the bullet at lunch one day, or try to go dancing again, or happy hour, or I could do nothing.

 

While I've been dating other girls, it's not the same. When I'm with her, my head (and stomach) feels like it's going to fracture.

[Hope75]

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I would say

 

#1 she has a boyfriend, long distance or not

#2 she works with you, which alone is dangerous territory

 

So unless you:

 

a. quit your job or she does

 

and

 

b. she decides her relationship with her bf isn't going to work and leaves him

 

the answer seems pretty clear to me-

 

how about you?

[rose2summer]

I agree with Hope, the situation is less than optimal here.

 

She is taken, so she is off limits for you.

 

Even though it would be convenient if she left him because of the distance, she hasn't yet.

 

So you can wait patiently and see if she does, or find some other woman who is less attached to another man.

 

Besides, who wants left overs, that's all you will really get here.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Persol]

But if I wait for an 'optimal' situation, and it doesn't come up in the next 2 months, I have no chance. She doesn't have much time left, and we very rarely work together, so the work thing is a non-issue to me.

 

I think it may be better to ask and be rejected than to not ask and regret it. At some point, you always need to take a chance.

 

(Then again, I'm slightly biased... which is why you've viewpoints help.)

[rose2summer]

You want to ask her out despite the fact she has a bf?

 

Doesn't that constitute you being an accomplice in cheating and how do you feel about that?

 

Is it acceptable to you based on your own boundaries?

[Persol]

Well, it is her boyfriend... not mine.

 

If she decides to cheat on him, I may an 'accomplice' for giving her an easy out... but if she's going to cheat on him they aren't meant to be anyway.

 

Of the two of us, only she knows how she feels about her boyfriend.

[kellbell]

You know, I am going to be a bit blunt here, I apologize in advance but...

 

She is taken. Bottom line. Let us think about her man in the army, fighting for our country, and he has NO IDEA what the heck is going on. How would you feel if it were you? Stop thinking about you and consider how your actions will affect others. I truly do not understand this, not one bit.

 

And this girl is showing what she is capable of, if she can do it with you she can do it to you. I truly feel bad for her boyfriend.

[Persol]

If she's willing to cheat on her man, then something is wrong between them, and he isn't losing out.

 

I've been on the other side of this same situation. People change over several years, and sometimes this leads to them being a better match with someone else. I was engaged at one time. We both knew that things had changed over time, but she acted on it. We're still friends, but I believe we are both better off than if we had stayed together.

 

I suppose my point is that I don't see how giving her an opportunity to cheat is more 'wrong' than waiting for her to end it for some other reason. I'm sure she's previously had opportunities to cheat, and will have them in the future. Likewise, because a girl cheats on someone she is having second thoughts about does not mean she can not be faithful.

[DN]

You can rationalise all you wish but most people will see a move on her as unethical at best. It is your conscience and you will do what you want to do but I doubt that you will convince many people that what you would be doing is right.

[Hope75]

You can rationalise all you wish but most people will see a move on her as unethical at best. It is your conscience and you will do what you want to do but I doubt that you will convince many people that what you would be doing is right.

 

 

You got it. Making a move on a girl that is taken is selfish and disrespectful- not to mention that you risk your job by getting involved with her.

 

I know I respect myself and others too much to try and make a move on someone who is taken. But that's just me.

[Persol]

Making a move on a girl that is taken is selfish and disrespectful- not to mention that you risk your job by getting involved with her.

The 'risking your job' thing is unrealistic and simply a non-issue.

 

Making an unwelcome move on a girl (taken or not) is selfish and disrespectful. The only selfishness I see in play is that it may make her feel akward at work, for something that wasn't her choice (being hit on). With cheating, she'd have a choice.

 

I realize I'm biased, but disagree with you. That said, thanks for your viewpoint.

[kellbell]

You can rationalize to your heart's content, all in all, what you are pondering is totally disrespectful and wrong. And I believe you are trying to justify your actions because deep down you know what you are doing is not cool. I wish you all the luck.

[Hope75]

The 'risking your job' thing is unrealistic and simply a non-issue.

 

Making an unwelcome move on a girl (taken or not) is selfish and disrespectful. The only selfishness I see in play is that it may make her feel akward at work, for something that wasn't her choice (being hit on). With cheating, she'd have a choice.

 

I realize I'm biased, but disagree with you. That said, thanks for your viewpoint.

 

Does your work not have a policy against inter office dating?

 

Let's say she does agree to cheat on her bf with you- and then feels guilty and breaks it off. How awkward will work be for the the of you then?

 

Do you not see anything wrong with attempting to date a woman who is taken?

 

How would you feel about a guy who knew your girlfriend had a guy, but didn't care and hit on her anyway?

[Mark1016]

She not only has a boyfriend, but one in the Army. These guys are putting their lives on the line for us all the time. Take it from a vet. The worst thing to receive is a Dear John letter.

 

Go find someone else to grind with and leave her for him when he comes home.