I can't stop crying..

[ShellNeverBeMe]

I am so depressed. I've posted about troubles with my now ex. Basically, in a nutshell I screwed up and realized my mistake. Or he wasn't that much of a catch to begin with. Maybe a little bit of both? I tried to call him yesterday but he wouldn't respond. I text him a couple of times and called him and he finally called back and said if he ever saw me or heard from me again he was coming after me. He yelled at me that he was at work (I didn't know) and that I got him in trouble. He said I blew it. I decided to just write him a letter and I poured out my heart in 5 short sentences. I said I was sorry I did not think he would be at work, I am very depressed because this is the first holiday without my mother (she died of cancer in February) and that I am truly sorry for everything and that I cared for him. I didn't tell him I loved him. He responded "Go eff yourself." I am so distraught. I know I shouldn't have called him and text him but he was ignoring me. He's blown up my phone hundreds of times and when I do it it's not ok? I am so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed and shower. I know I got what I asked for but I am so sad and I have no one to talk to. None of my friends want to hear it right now when it is coming up on Xmas. Someone please help me.

[ShellNeverBeMe]

I'm also bi-polar but I don't take meds because I have no coverage right now and I'm trying to pay for school, car, rent...etc. I'm pretty much broke right now. I think it was too much for him, my mood swings and such. I don't plan on calling him ever again...I'm completely mortified..so nc will be in effect.

[NyGentleman]

Whats important now is not so much him, right now you should be focusing on yourself and your health....sometimes the best things are right in front of you and maybe he isnt that thing...I would def stay away from that since it sounds very negative and do things that will make you happy..remember its your life ...I know its hard and believe me i know what your goin through, my father was bi-polar and i was also goin through some things with a girl who didnt see me, when i was standing in front of her, (she obssesed over her ex who treated her like crap) ...

 

Hang in there, we are all here for you...and have a happy holiday

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry about your mom. That must be very hard. Are you working right now? Are you able to get some coverage for your meds through school? Or if you are working, through your job? I feel your health and state of mind is very crucial and need to be functioning properly before anything else. I believe you are having a hard time getting yourself together because you are not being properly treated, thus sending you down this unending spiral.

 

As far as your ex goes, I would try to hardest NOT to contact him. Everytime you call him, text him sends you further and further back. When you feel the urge to contact him, think about the consequences and how they will make you feel. Take a walk, clean a shelf in your kitchen, call a friend, something to distract yourself until the urge passes.

 

You CAN do this, you are not giving yourself a chance. Try not to do what feels good now, try to think how your actions will affect you in the long term. You do NOT NEED your ex in your life, instead, you need to work on getting your life together.

 

Hang in there, take it one day at a time.

 

(((hugs)))

[ShellNeverBeMe]

I just had this image in my mind that he would be there for me even in my darkest times. And he bails. I pushed him away. I know he cared about me, but I was so nasty towards him. I honestly can say I will never call him again. I am so horrified lol. I work full time as a waitress, and I go to school full time..so my plate is definitely full. I have alot going for me but I have alot of things holding me back...my illness and my mother's death. I love my ex alot...and he's got issues himself so I would think that he understands where I'm coming from. We've been through it before and we always return to each other. He told me yesterday to come around when I'm acting normal and take meds. I'm so hurt..

[ShellNeverBeMe]

Oh and my health coverage doesnt kick in for another month because I just started working for the company. Was it a bad idea to email him a letter pouring my heart out? It wasn't really creepy or mushy, just saying that I did care despite all the nasty words we exchanged and that I was having a hard time.

[ShellNeverBeMe]

And it doesn't make sense. He came to the restaurant I worked at one night and told his waitress to tell me he said hi. When I didn't have anything to say back he got really mad. My coworker said he still wanted me. So I came back to him and he throws it all away. Did he just want revenge...kind of an ego thing?

[Skippy]

sorry about what you are going through right now.

Listen to what everyone else is saying about basically focus on yourself now.

Things are as they are, it is time to accept the change of the situation. You were attached andnow you aren't. You are now a single woan with new opportunities ahead of you. It is best and quickest way to move on is to accept the change and not fight it.

About the letter, that is the thing of the past,

about you bf he is now an EX ie the past,

about your relationship, it has ended and now it is the past.

Everything that was yestersay is the past. Today is now tomorrow is the future.

Make this DECISION that it is the past and then you can move on easier.

[kellbell]

I thought you were not going to send that letter via email. My friend, you are no longer with him, you are no longer his responsiblity and visa versa. You need to turn to someone else or find something else to help you through your darkest hours from this point.

 

 

Right now, from his perspective, you are pestering him, looking needy and desperate. I am not saying you are, but you have to consider your actions towards him and how he will perceive them. That makes all the difference. And because he perceives you in this matter, he will exploit your feelings for him and where you stand with him. Do not give him anymore power, any more ammo to do this to you. So he shows up at the restaurant you work at...no biggie. Tell him you are busy, on the clock and this is not the time and place. And go about your business.

 

When your insurance kicks in, get yourself to the doctor and get your meds. I have a family member whom as bi-polar and I have worked with bi-polar patients, it is paramount that you take care of it.

 

You are definitely not alone. Keep posting here as much as you need.

[pinkelephant]

OOOH my lord. your ex is 100% like mine.

 

First time we broke up, he said I was pushing him away. I was so torn. I couldn't live with myself. I hated myself for pushing him away, telling myself he was the best thing that happened to me and it was all my fault. I tore this all down by myself. etc etc. I begged, I plead, I did everything. I felt horrible about myself. Then, he finally came back to me. A week later, I started to feel that there was something seriously wrong.

 

It turns out, he never forgave me for anything. Things I did 5 years ago, things I did last week. He remembered everything and resented me because of them. He then dumped me right when I was going to break up with him. When he did it, he made a point to make me feel as worthless as possible AND over msn. I don't know why he all of this.

 

Either way, none of this really matters. I just wanted you to know there's somebody else who feel something very similar. I'm not sad anymore. I also realized that he isn't even a catch, I am. I think you should try to see that as well. Your ex is acting unnecesaryly cold like mine. Why would you want to be with someone who is lacking so much compassion? to someone who love them? You're better off without him.

 

I'm also bipolar. 90% of the time, I'm productive and happy. The other 10, I spend full out sobbing. I don't know what else to say, but to just hang in there.

[ShellNeverBeMe]

I knew it was wrong to call him but I did it anyway. Now he has the power and he's loving it. I feel like such crap. I knew the whole time I shouldn't be calling him. He's done it to me in the past. We've been on and off two years and we always go back to each other after some time. I am so hurt right now, why did I have to call him. I knew he would use it against me, I KNEW but I still did it anyway. I don't think it was too bad though. I don't think I was that clingy/begging/pleading. It could have been alot worse, but I definitely let him know how I felt. I was never good at expressing feelings and I never once told him how i felt and I thought maybe that would get him back..I think from now on I'll be keeping my feelings to myself...

[kellbell]

"Now he has the power and he's loving it"

 

Not as long you give it to him and let him have it. No one has power over another unless he/she LETS it happen. No one makes you feel a certain way unless you let him/her do so. You cetainly cannot control how others feel or act but you can control your actions and reactions to matters.

 

"and I never once told him how i felt and I thought maybe that would get him back."

 

In a perfect world, yes, this may work but there is such a thing called free will. You cannot make someone come back to you, the decision is his.

 

Now you know how he will react, there is no question. Now that you know for sure, it is time to pick yourself up, dust off your knees and get your life back on track.

[ShellNeverBeMe]

Well I can assure you 100% that I will not be contacting him ever again lol. I am so mortified beyond belief. Just reading his response "Go eff yourself" was the most painful thing. I want to just crawl under a rock and die

[kellbell]

That is definitely a step in the right direction, keep in mind how mortified you feel now and when you feel the urge to call him, text or email, bear in mind how you feel at this moment.

 

Hang in there.