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Married 5 years - having affair with old boyfriend


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I have been married for 5 years. I had called up an exboyfriend to see how he has been (have not seen nor spoken to him for 17yrs) I called him because out of 4 boyfriends I dated before marriage, 3 are now deceased.

We met for a coffee to chat about our lives and I could not believe how much I really 'liked' him. My marriage was just ok - he is a wonderful caring man that is totally inlove with me, but I do not feel the same way(even before I had seen my exboyfriend) When I had a coffee with the ex, the feelings I had were absolutely incredible. We are now having an affair for about 4 months. I cannot control myself. I think of him constantly. He even said that when we dated years ago, his friends nicknamed me 'destiny' ... My ex was uncomfortable with the affair at first (he is separated) now he is ok with it. We fool around a lot but most of all we enjoy just spending time together. I am upset because he cannot have intercourse with me-it just doesn't work(he said because I am not on the pill and it is an intimacy issue) Am I getting my hopes up to high ? I am contemplating a separation from my husband to be with him, so he can be comfortable with the situation... Seriously, I know he really cares for me and its not just for sex ... we really get along fantasticly! We talk about everything and he even changes his plans with his daughter to be with me and his extra curricular activities. I know if it was just for the sex...I would be able to sense that ... and its not like we have sex every time we see eachother...(when I mean sex, I mean, kissing and oral) Please help me sleep a whole night .. I need your advice!)

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Hey i was reading your post on your affair with your ex. I have a question if i may, How long have you been married for? i know you said you hadnt seen you ex for 17 years...If you feel like that about him and you think its real and it will b the best thing you could do then go for it but you have to keep in mind you have been married with a man for x years that cares about you and you might hurt him, before you keep fooling around think of how you would feel if your husband was in the position you're in, you would probably be hurt , so (in my opinion again ) you should talk to ur Ex and tell him how you feel and see if he can wait till you get a divorce, if that is what you choose and who you choose to be with, Remember marriage is a big commitment you made and if you feel you cant cope with it n e longer and feel you are in love with some one else let your current Marriage partner know, Im sorry if you think this isnt a very good advice/comment im just trying (this is my first day here i wish the best for you..Good luck...And remember you should try by all means to be happy with your decision



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Hi purrin, i just want to reiterate what Micksbabyboo said. You didn't mention much about your husband. I hope you haven't forgotten about him. You should really consider what effect this will have on your husband. If he still loves you, you are going to hurt him terribly. Other than that, just make sure that if you do choose your ex, that it is for love and not lust.

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Hello and I hope that someone can help you through this time. I sort of agree with some of the others in that you should think of your husband but perhaps not in the way they are thinking.


You need to consider whether or not you want your marriage to work. As you have said he is a caring considerate man who loves you very much, but obviously for you to contact your ex there must have been something missing in the relationship. You can have the most fabulous husband in the world but if he actually doesn't rock your boat any more then you need to let him go to find someone who will love and care for him as he will do for them.


Now, you seem to have a few problems here, your husband being one, which I have briefly talked about and your bf and impotency. I very much commend you on the fact that right now sex does not seem that important because you both get on so much, but step back a little because sex is important in life and you need to check that if this problem went on for a long time would this affect you? Right now you will say no, but think ahead...think long ahead.



I personally think that you need time to think a little for what YOU really really want in life. Is your old bf a way of escaping your husband? I personally had a fabulously terrific husband, who loved, cared and did everything for me...and I knew I had to let him go to find someone else...because although what you are doing is wrong, if you were to string your husband along for a further 5 years not really loving him, but being more of a companion, then to me that is even worse.


Take time out and think of what you really want....talk to a counsellor and see if they can shed some light on the situation for you.

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I really can't understand how people can talk about marriage as if it's a business transaction. We're talking about people's lives here. What happened to the commitment we promised our spouse. Why do some people find it necessary to go outside their marriage to find their "happiness" when they should be looking for it within themselves. Speaking as a man who's wife left him I can tell you your husband is going to be extremely hurt by what's happeneing. Have you tried any counseling at all? I'd hope that you'd put as much effort into making your marriage work as you have into your affair. At the very least you should be talking to your husband about what's going on. I'm sure there's going to be a lot of grief & anguish in whatever you do.

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