An Epiphany – I need advice please!!!

[A James Z]

I have never had a functional relationship. I am 24 and I have been involved in 2 longer-term relationships (both 1.5 years) that ended very badly. This 3rd relationship, which was not even half as long, was with someone I truly care about, and I am just trying to figure out what went wrong.

 

In retrospect of the first two relationships, I find a common thread. They both started extremely fast and without much chance to really get to know the person first. Of course, we learned about each other during the course of the relationship, but I think the ultimate cause for failure was not having the proper skills to manage a relationship that moves faster than each person is willing or ready to handle.

 

Perhaps the third time is the charm, because finally I think I understand what went wrong. I again rush head-long into something I was not prepared for. By taking the relationship too fast, I became involved with the “relationship”, but not the person who I was in the relationship with. Activities within my life that were important before the “relationship” began to take a backseat. I had many important things going on in my life, such as preparing for the MCAT, my friends and family, and my pastimes.

 

The fact that I moved so quickly and was so willing to give up my personal space was alright at first, but soon became overwhelming to my significant other. I feel like if I had taken it slow, where we could have had enough time to gently ease into each other’s lives, a bond would have formed that would have naturally lent itself to both of us desiring to be in a serious relationship. However, whenever you jump the gun, serious implications will follow, if not soon then later, which is evident by the dysfunctional nature of my pervious two relationships.

 

I like to think of life as a cake, and relationships are the icing on the cake. You do not scrape off and only eat the icing, but enjoy the cake as a whole. Life is much the same.

 

We were both caught up by the speed with which we were moving, and when it came time for her to focus more on her life, I was left carrying the extra weight of the relationship. We were both moving fast, but as she slowed, I continued forward. I began to get confused and upset that she was not continuing at the same speed.

 

My lack of understanding of how proper relationships work led me to believe she was becoming more distant. Although her feelings may have never changed, in my mind it seemed like I was being taken for granted and that she would rather spend time with her friends than with me.

 

Instead of just realizing that we were going too fast, and we needed to slow down, I began to get lost in my insecurities about her lack of interest in the relationship, a relationship that I had become too involved in before its due time.

 

I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and learn the lessons for myself -- no one can really tell me what to do. I do not want to be in a relationship before its due time. I do not want her back in a relationship. I want to start again, and I want to start very, very slow, so I can understand the dynamics of how relationships are really supposed to work. Maybe this is why girls like older men. Young guys make so many stupid mistakes.

 

When we broke up she said she did not want to be in a relationship, but she said she wanted to see me and still talk with me. I got upset when I heard she did want to be in a relationship, and I told her I could not be with her like a friend. I was kind of harsh and I was mad. I latter called her back and left a message on her voice mail (she didn’t pick up) and told her I was sorry about getting mad and that I would talk with her soon. I also sent a text saying I felt bad and I cared about her. She sent a text back saying she felt bad too, and that she really needs this right now and that she misses me.

 

We broke up a few days ago. I am just trying to give her time and space right now. I am planning to send a text after New Years and just say, “I hope you had a good holiday.” Then a few days later try to get her to talk with me and give her a letter stating the points I made in this post.

 

I also was thinking about not giving the letter and slowly trying to get back in her life, and show her that I can respect her space without telling her all of this stuff. I would text and call every once in a while, and maybe try to get together to watch some TV if things go well, and see where it goes from there.

 

What do you guys think? Would a girl like to receive a letter like this?

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

I think the same sort of thing happened with me and my ex. As we were both struggling with our careers he became more and more focused with his work and I started to react badly about that - was more insecure, needy etc.

 

When I realised how I had been I hadn't spoken to him for just under 2 months. I was about to write a letter to him similiar to what you mention, but he sent one to me instead saying that he missed me.

 

I think it's a good idea to have no contact with her for a while as this will allow you to concentrate on building your life again without her. Also, as you know when you are in contact with her your emotions sometimes get the better of you! This space will give her space to breathe from the rels and from you.

 

Right now, I would just take each day as it comes and embrace finding your feet again. Having time between you, I would see how it goes after the New Year. Perhaps a letter might be too heavy, it might be just the right thing. I would wait until the time comes and you'll naturally know what's best for yourself.

 

Hugs!