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Time to bite bullet or am i shooting myself?


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This is probably the 6th or 7th time i have been at this stage with my partner/husband. We met at work and were friends before we dated, after i split with my ex. He was my first 'one night stand' which turned out not to be as we went out with each other after and then got married. Basically, he is a lovely bloke, very clever, well presented, kind - all the things you could want on paper.

But something is wrong and I spend alot of my time unhappy. When we got together, I loved the fact that he was driven and such a sweet person but I wonder if it's just that although he is a good man, he's just not right for me. I have never felt like i wanted to rip his clothes off and never initiate sex. We have sex but it is not emotional for me. I feel unconnected somehow. I have left numerous times in the past - last time was last year - because of the way i feel. I haven't been able to put my finger on whats wrong and I look at my life and think 'what have i got to complain about - whats wrong with me?' So here I am again, in a spot where I feel very little.

We have a beautiful little girl but our relationship seems very platonic in my eyes. Should i shut up and get on with it? I'm terrified I am just postponing the inevitable. Am i just unrealistic about what a relationshipn should be? I know i am in danger area - i have had an emotional affair in the past and i am embarking on one currently. I don't want to become the person i see evolving.

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Are you wanting to be single without ties - or do you just want a better relationship?

If you want to be alone - no dating, men, romance - then by all means take this cue and get started. You have bravery and determination in you to pull through. (And us here at enotalone)


If you just want a fuller, more well rounded partnership, then I suggest working on yourself. Perhaps it is you that lacks excitement - not both of you. Maybe you need to get going on old dreams and goals - reconnect with old friends - deal with past issues in your family - only you can know what needs to be done.

Take a trip to the therapist for a one-time visit and see what they say.


Almost all problems can be fixed if you take your partner out of the equation and focus on you. You are feeling blah - not him. You are feeling unmotivated - not him. And trying to get him moving may not fix the problem.

Maybe he's feeling the same and the both of you are just mirroring each other as couples tend to do. A difficult conversation (one that gets your blood and heart pumping) might also be in order.

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts! My situation is exactly the opposite of yours. I am the great guy who is married to the woman who is already "check out" of the relationship. I have spent a lot of time trying to make her more interested in me - but to no avail. She too had an emotional affair, which I discovered 14 months ago and have experienced an enormous amount of pain as a result.


I think honeyspur may be right; maybe it's you that you need to work on. When I came to the realization that it was my wife that is unhappy - it changed a lot of things for me. Being the guy that wants it to work, it is very painful to be in a situation where you feel your partner does not want to be with you. I spent a lot of time looking at me and what might be wrong with me, but all of the time it was more about how she feels about herself. In my case, I decided that waiting and hoping things will get better is silly. I have decided to let her go (divorce) so she will be forced to either see what she really has in me, or to find the happiness she seeks. I am fine with either outcome. Do you wonder what it was that made you feel disconnected, or could it have been a gradual drifting apart over time? There must be a reason that you keep getting back to this point multiple times. I find it kind of ironic that you wrote what I am sure my wife must feel. It certainly does not mean that you are wrong; you just may need some help in figuring things out.

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