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Try to save / No contact. Are feelings the same?

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Normally when to people part they do not remain on a friendly basis.


The dumper is releaved and happy that the relationship is over, they will happily move on to the next relationship.


However the dumpee is left with all the negative feelings about the relationship. The hurt, sense of failure etc.


It is generally the dumpee who does the running to save the realationship, the depsperate stage we all go through. Or if they are sensible they will do the no contact from day one.


My question is this. If No contact from day 1 or you make the effort to get the relationship back are the negative feelings at the end the same ?

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Hi there,


You may be right: whether you make an effort to save the relationship (to no avail) OR you go straight into NC, you experience the same terrible feeling over the break-up.


Still, wouldn't you say this is a rather moot comparison in that the terrible feelings are prompted by the breakup itself, NOT by NC or by not getting the desired result from the effort you put into saving the relationship??


That said, I am sorry you're hurting right now.


Hang in there and please let us know how we can help.


Sending best wishes your way,


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The pain of the breakup is in direct proportion to how one is broken up with, not what takes place later.


If you are respected and dealt with honestly, and the person breaking up with you does not humiliate you or devalue you any more than is unavoidable by saying "I don't want to be with you anymore," you can come out okay in a reasonable period of time.


If they turn around and lay all the blame for the breakup on you, humiliate you, or otherwise do things to injure your self-esteem, you will hurt for a long, long time.


It is the pain that prompts the efforts to repair the relationship. People who feel okay about themselves post-breakup don't struggle so much with letting it go. Ironically, if the breakup is done badly, the person may need to rescue their self-esteem so that they can move on. To a person drowning in humiliation and feelings of rejection, the lost relationship takes on the status of life preserver in their mind, instead of anchor.

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It depends on the person, I think.


I've read studies of people involved in unrequited love affairs (where one is loved but does not return the feeling) that show that sometimes, the person who is loved develops tremendous guilt from the knowledge that this person has feelings for them, and they are unable to reciprocate. Ideally, no one would want someone to feel guilty for not loving them, because in the end, the psychological damage to the person who is being loved -- the one who is supposedly not suffering -- is greater than that to the person who loves. Apparently there is inherent satisfaction in loving that doesn't exist in merely being loved.


So, most human beings do feel a degree of responsibility for their relationships, even, apparently, ones they never intended. Extrapolating from the study, it's possible to imagine that the person who ends a relationship may suffer similar feelings of guilt and reduced self-esteem -- but theirs is related to having to deal with hurting someone else who cares for them. They have to incorporate that into their self-image, which of course no one would want to do; everyone wants to be a good person who doesn't hurt people.


So there would be conceivably two possible reactions: One would be to picture the relationship in such a way that it becomes forgivable to reject the other person; telling oneself they cheated, they never really loved you, they were just lying to you. The other would be to assume some degree of responsibility for the ending of the relationship and attempt to say or do something (within reason) to help the other person through.


I would imagine that if the person leaving the relationship goes on to have experiences that do not reinforce their self-esteem, but lower it instead (i.e. they can't get a new girl/boyfriend, the person they left you for leaves them, etc.), they will very quickly begin to regret the breakup. If they see that their ex is really suffering & struggling, they'll have the mixed feelings of relief that they are not connected to someone who is not a strong person, and guilt that they created those circumstances.


I prefer sensible breakups where everyone respects everyone, and no one devalues the other person. Everybody stays friends, and nobody feels like their lives are over. Being told, "you're great, we're just not right together" works for me in a way that "Joanne has a better body" just doesn't, somehow.

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Ah. Well. That doesn't work for me, either.


In this situation, he's devaluing you so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for anything negative in the ending of the relationship. Fair enough. Go to other people (friends & family) to get your self-esteem reinforced; avoid going down the road he has of devaluing your ex to make yourself feel better -- it doesn't work in the long run -- and avoid him like the plague until your self-esteem is back in your own control. (My advice, for what it's worth).

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