I was entirely too direct -- help

[Lily04]

Ok well I am completely clueless when it comes to dating. Completely. I just met this guy like 2 weeks ago, we went on one date. I suspected a lot about him -- that he only wants to use me for sex, is a player, etc....and basically told him directly. Although I was still interested in him in dating I asked what he's looking for in a relationship (which he was completely shocked by -- 'why are you asking so soon??') and told him I suspect that he just wants me 'on the side' as a supplement to the other girl(s) he's dating. He was like 'why are you being so defensive. you're crazy.'

 

Do you think I was completely offguard with asking these leading questions? I felt if I posed it to him like "I suspect you're doing this... or only want this (i.e. only want sex)" it would be easier for him to accept/deny than by saying "so you just want this right??" in a more defensive mode. I thought I was diplomatic, and as I am also a trained justice mediator I am always honest with my feelings, and can be forthright. Perhaps too honest... this isn't court I realize, but still.

 

Can anyone tell me if I was completely out of line to say my suspicions like this (basically: I don't trust you...please tell me if this is correct) or was he right in that it was completely unappropriate at this stage in the game? I haven't dated much....perhaps that is only too evident, so others thoughts would help. And please be gentle in saying them as well.....I am feeling a bit down right now. Thanks.

[arwen]

Well, it's certainly not the best strategy to win someone's heart I'd say. But all is not lost. I think the main issue is WHY did you suspect him to be a player? If you had plenty of reasons to do so, then why did you date him? I understand you feel down now. I'd say take this as a lesson. Maybe it helps to see a next first date as an opportunity just to get to know who the other person is, don't attach so much weight to it!

 

To be honest, I think he was right in saying that it was not appropriate. I think if someone would start the first date and tell you this, you'd feel the same. Do you feel you will only end up dating guys who are players? Why do you suspect this?

 

Ilse

[Lily04]

hey ilse,

 

thanks for your honest input. why do you say 'all is not lost'? we are still chatting online now actually....at almost 5:30 am. He's stayed up all night to help me with an essay I have due even though he has an exam today at 10:00 am. He used to be a politics TA before going to law school.......this is for a polisci essay and he's entirely brilliant. He asked if I'd basically agree to: he'll write the essay/help me with it, and i'll have sex with him.

 

it's crazy but i'm feeling so desperate and i am so attracted to him, i sorta jokingly agreed.......but of course it's up to me. right now i'm using his convenient services but if i don't want to, i won't. at the same time i'm totally into him and i think it would be completely hot.

 

but he said he doesn't want anything serious, just take it as it comes...maybe i should do that too.

[whenamansloveisreal]

"I asked what he's looking for in a relationship"

 

what's wrong with that question? i would ask that as well. makes sense to me.

[Cardinal]

Let me get this straight. At first you accuse him of being a player and using you only for sex (doing so indirectly but clearly getting your point accross that you don't trust him).

 

Now you strike a deal with him offering sex for essay help? He comes through on his end of the bargain, doing what he can until late in the morning to get it done for you. And to top it all off, you are now considering backing out of a legitimate deal you struck due to pregnancy fears and poor planning (oral sex would be the clear option here and he would probably agree to avoid pregnancy risks).

 

And now I read that your also a virgin?

 

Yikes. I am not sure if I know what to say.

[Lily04]

yeah that does look sketchy. but no, it was more done jokingly. i was more saying in the event that it actually happened, and it would be by consent. We didn't agree on any specifics, it's not like an actual deal it was just like 'hey i'll help you with your essay since u already think i'm a player, if you want to that's fine."

 

it's up to me. there are no consequences if i don't, he's just helping me. i was just considering it, and realized even if i wanted to have sex with him it's not an actual possibility until january so i'd have time to talk with him until then and date other people, etc.

 

edit: but now that it's 6 am and he has a law exam today at 10:00......i would feel really bad to cop out of doing anything. He's obviously doing this for me because he expects something in return....I don't know.

[CluelessGuy321]

It's a valid concern. I know one guy who's a player, but he's an honest player, and all his girls know that they're not the *one*.

 

However, you suspect but didn't really know. So accusing him, if not true, kinda puts him into a spot where he then has to defend himself when he really hasn't done anything.

 

Not a confortable position

[arwen]

I said that because you won't always feel this way in dating, if you take steps to see what is at the root of what happened with this date.

 

I'd be VERY careful in proceeding with him from now on. Just take it very slow, i.e. I wouldn't start sleeping with him until he has told you he wants a serious thing with you.

 

Please don't let your feelings for him get in the way with this, he may feel like a no-strings-attached thing and him telling you he is not looking for anything serious is a sign that serious business like sex should not be part of whatever you have now. It's just dating and it could become more, but he has said he is not looking for anything serious. That could mean either:

 

1. I don't want a relationship at all at this point

2. I don't want a relationship with you, but I won't exclude the possibility of having sex with you.

 

I am sorry, my experience would lead to the conclusion of 2., not 1.

 

Sleeping with him while he still has a no-strings-attached view on things is precisely what you should NOT do. Sorry for repeating, but can you see what is happening here? You go on a date and immediately think and express things about him being a player. Then you stay in touch. Then he tells you that indeed he is not interested in anything serious at the moment. Then he 'jokingly' says that he will help you with stuff if you sleep with him.

 

So the next scenario could be that you do sleep with him, then he may loose interest, date others, hence: a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I am not saying that he IS a player. I am just saying that by these kind of jokes about wanting sex but no relationship, there is usually a truth to it. It is clear to me that he is not interested in a commitment. So if you are looking for a commitment and not for sex without that commitment, be friends with him but not more.

 

Ilse

[renaissancewoman101]

In a way, you have the upper hand here, you just "jokingly" made a deal with him for him to help you with your paper in exchange for you sleeping with him. In a way, you pulled one over him since you don't plan on sleeping with him and yet you got him to help you with a school assignment.

[Lily04]

Hi Ilse. Thanks. I think if I weren't a virgin i'd sleep with him as I wouldn't view sex as being so important and important to save. but I am, and so I don't just want to give it away like this...I'd like commitment. More than that, I'd like to feel comfortable with what i'm doing and with him, someone who is so experienced but likely also a player, i'm not sure I would. I'd need someone who would understand that it's my first time, be respectful about certain things, etc.

 

Anyway.....I basically told him no to sex. He tried to ask again -- he helped me with one of my papers for today, i have another due tomorrow that i haven't started at all. He's like "I'll help you with that today....before i leave. but i'm too tired to meet at school, let's meet at my place."

 

I didn't trust that. So I said no, and logged off the conversation.

 

I guess that's the end of that.

[Lily04]

RNwoman, you're right!!! hahaha. he started a ph.d in polisci and had some amazing ideas for my paper. he obviously tried hard for that since he was trying to get me to switch sides lol. oh well.

[a2000]

Hi Lily I just wanted to say that I am in the same situation.

I haven't accused him of being a player I have just assumed he is as he doesn't want any commitment.

We dated for abit (about 4 times) its kind of complicated because we never spoke about being bf/gf, I realised he wasn't bf material.. we were 'just friends' and then we ended up not going on dates anymore just me going over to his place and 'hooking up' (about 2 times) but no sex. All he wants is sex. I am a virgin aswell. Although we have such a strong connection.. most girls probably do with players like him who have lots of charm.

 

He also used to help me with my university work but I have made sure he doesn't anymore because it makes me feel like I have to give something in return. I think I am too nice.

 

Anyway last month I told him that we hardly ever talk apart from when he asks me round to his flat and he said "if you want to be just friends that ok with me" so I then started No Contact.

 

He tried asking me round again after that but I said I am busy, he also sends me friendly messages like 'how are you? just checking you are ok'

I reply in a nice way but I never contact him.

 

I think he has given up now because we haven't spoken in afew weeks.

 

No contact is the best way to stop a player from playing

 

Obviously I have thought about it because he is hot, but he is also a bit of a jerk and I need to have trust and commitment.

 

Don't give in! Stay strong

 

PS. If he isn't a player, you don't have to read this. You have to find out what he wants first, maybe go out afew times and see how it goes.

[arwen]

VERY good, Lily! I am happy to hear that. I don't think he's the guy you want to lose your virginity to. Unless he seriously wants a relationship. Him proposing to meet you at home is kind of lame and an obvious way of trying to create a certain setting. My guess? Your suspicion of him being a player... may have been correct. Next dating tip: don't date a guy that you feel is too smooth for your taste the next time. There are LOTS of guys (as you can read from the many postings by our male members here) who are funny, intelligent, attractive, AND looking for a commitment

 

Ilse

[Lily04]

Thanks guys, Ilse I appreciate your compliments. a2000 I sent you a PM about that if you want to check. From now on I'm taking dating more casually and not over-analyzing things in general. If someone doesn't make me feel comfortable or safe I won't go out with them. But I still agree that I probably shouldn't have outright accused him of being a player, wanting me to just 'be the girl on the side', having multiple gfs, and such after the 1st date. That was not a very smart thing to do, as it would send most guys packing!! But I guess I learned... next time, even though it was driving me crazy, just ask him out again and get a better impression... or just go with the flow and not evaluate so early on.

 

Thanks,

 

Lily

[Lily04]

k but just for the record...

 

GUYS: would you totally be turned off by a girl who asks you this question so soon -- i.e. what are you looking for in a relationship, and then ask if he's dating other women, as you suspect you may just be a plaything 'on the side'? Keep in mind that we only had one date, at this point, but there is a strong connection between you two, and you feel like you've known each other for a while (even if not the case.) Just this lack of trust by one of the parties is complicating things. I felt like I had to ask before I moved forward, as I was really suspicious that I was only going to be used for sex and I'm totally not up for that.

[Lily04]

And would you be so turned off that you wouldn't even want to go out with her again? This is completely a hypothetical question because I am not going out with him again, but I'm just curious... if what I did was really so 'wrong' or a dating 'faux-pas' that can't possibly get past. I'm of the belief that almost anything is amenable this soon in the game, and even later, but again, I'm a mediator so my job is related to patching conflicts..........but i'm perhaps the most illogical person ever, as one of my friends pointed out today, so I need some other thoughts here. thanks so much.

[Juliana]

Lily, I'm not a guy, but guys I've liked have asked me very direct, insulting questions, and that's the ballgame, folks.

 

If you don't care about the outcome, of course you can say anything you want. Or, if you're dealing with a type of mental illness (Borderline, Narcissist), they react very well to blunt statements, usually, and tend to enjoy talking to each other for the "cut to the chase" version of events.

 

However, you have to ask yourself: What is this person going to think of me if I ask this question? If it turns out your suspicions of someone are not correct, then you have shown them that you think they are capable of that behaviour, and they may not appreciate the fact that you would think that. Depending on the guy, no, you wouldn't get past that. I know my husband is very unforgiving of random, off the cuff remarks like that. Sometimes your intuition is dead on, but maybe that can be an "inside thought."

[lady00]

I'm not a guy but here's what I think...I think it depends on how you phrase the question. If you accuse someone of doing something wrong without having any information to back it up, he will probably be turned off. But you can get what you want to know in a more subtle way by asking if they are seeing other people or if he dates a lot. Since there is nothing wrong with casually dating multiple people at once, I doubt a guy would feel insulted if you asked that. His tone and answer will probably help you figure out where things are going between you two. If he is evasive or seems uncertain in his tone or answer, it might be a sign that it's too early to ask or that he's uncomfortable with the idea of exclusivity. I've asked before and I have found that even early in the relationship (after 1 date) it doesn't have to be an uncomfortable or difficult (or long) conversation...it can simply be...so how have you found the dating scene around here? And from that simple non confrontational question you can get a feel for how he feels about dating in general and dating you in particular.

[Lily04]

Thanks Lady. Well the fact that he specifically said he's not looking for something serious with me and only casual leads me to believe he just wants sex. I've since told him that I just want to be friends. Thanks. =)

[EvaGina]

To be honest, I think that if you are having sex with someone, you can ask them pretty much anything without feeling stupid.

You are sharing your bodies, you DESERVE to know where you stand.

 

I think you did the right thing, I am always very direct, and although it does scare some guys, the ones I get along with best are always gratefull that I can ask anything instead of being all angsty...

 

As long as you didnt leap down his throat, I commend you

 

Good on ya for not just sleeping with him if your not comfortable with that

[blemished]

Who cares if he is turned off? Get some more dignity, girl! Find some guy who will treat you right and never make you wonder about his level of interest in the first place! Life is too short to date users!!! Good luck.

[JulieW]

Whether or not you were off-base and completely wrong about this guy, your instincts were telling you that this was NOT a good idea.

 

Maybe it was him, maybe it was you. Doesn't really matter, the point is the alarm bells were clanging like crazy.

 

Please listen to them.